Denise Richards is So Complicated You Probably Won't Even Understand Any of This, You Idiot

Dear Denise, *

I must confess: based on the title of your new reality show, Denise Richards: It's Complicated, I was a bit concerned that I'd have some difficulty following the action. Always up for a challenge, I decided to take my preparation seriously, so, I reread my college calculus text book, boned up on the current state of the Middle East crisis and learned a few conversational phrases in Swahili in the hopes that this would help me muddle through the ep.

Well, I'm sorry to report that all of my studying didn't help at all! I've watched your entire show three times now and, dangit all to heck, I'm still having trouble following the storyline.

As best I can piece things together, it seems like: you're unemployed, not interested in dating, semi-abusive toward your personal assistant(s), a questionable role model for your children, and unable to read simple instructions regarding the required documentation to get your name changed. OH yeah...and you're also "attracted to hot sexy guys with big dicks"--so there's that.

It's nice to see that you're an animal lover and all, and I wish you much success in mating your pigs, but uhm...I was so bored off my ass about ten minutes into your show, the only thing that was "complicated" about this whole thing was the formula by which some network suit at E! calculated that anyone who was not mentally challenged would be interested in watching this drek.

At this point, I have no choice but to assume that Heather Locklear and Charlie-cakes are probably right about hating your guts.

Looking forward to no further "complications,"
m.e.

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