The Hills S4: 12 - JustinBobby Has Planted A Chip In Audrina's Brain And Is Now Controlling Her Every Thought And Action With A Switch On His Bike

Dear Everyone, ***

This week's ep was sponsored by Brandy (did you buy her new album yet?) and the words "disappointment," and "retarded."

And, LO was back!

Of course no one mentioned that she's been MIA, and who knows if we'll ever see her again, but bitch made an appearance at Crown Bar and, I for one, was happy to see that she wasn't dead.

These rumors that LC is peacing out after this season are hella inneresting, b/c she's srsly been fading into the background quite a bit over the last few weeks. She barely had any face time this week at all and, honestly, I didn't even notice.

The big news, of course, is that Audrina and JustinBobby are together again. In order to win back her affections, JB gave one of the most touching, romantic speeches I've ever seen come across a dude's lips. Just thinking about it gets me all misty eyed.

I've transcribed it here for your viewing pleasure (NOTE: Audrina's responses have been redacted, because obvs they don't fucking matter at all):

Hi

How's it goin?

I've been thinkin about some of the things that happened in Cabo.

I didn't wanna be that guy...you know what I mean?

I think we have something special. I just think that to be in a relationship, you've kinda gotta be together?

We're a big catch 22.

90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.

I will pretty much always be there for you.

I want you to be with me

(cue make up sex).

I hope any boys who might be reading this right now are TOTALLY taking notes. In fact, you might just want to print this post out so you can use some of JustinBobby's moves on your own fly honey.

She Pratt paraded her new BF Cameron out in front of the gang, and was crushed when the dude didn't "take Brody aside" to read him the riot act for making her cry once 4 eps ago. Later on at lunch, Spencer and Heidi pointed out to Steph that this was actually a really great reason to break up with his ass and get back on track to being miserable just like they are.

I'm gonna go way out on a limb, bias and predict the action for next week (and this is after my Tivo cut off the last few mins of the ep, so I did not see a preview):
*JustinBobby and Audrina start having problems (again, again, again, again)
*She Pratt breaks up with Cameron
*LC and Brody flirt
*Spencer acts like a douche (Heidi doesn't notice)

Hey, that's kind of an interesting idea...maybe I'll recap the ep next week WITHOUT watching and see how close I am! (read: this is how fucking bored I am).

the rest is still unwritten,
me

The Hills, S4: 9 - Imagine That All Of The Brain Cells You've Lost Watching The Hills Weren't Really Lost

Dear Everyone, ***

Close your eyes and imagine that you are in a place with beautiful swaying palm trees, gorgeous hotties, slick cars, sunshine and posh, overpriced stores...we'll call it the land of La. Now imagine that you live in this place with all of your bestest friends, and you all hang out all the time, do nothing but spend your mommy and daddy's money, and basically enjoy being the bestest of friends that best friends could be, cuz really: there is nothing like a best friend.

[keep your eyes closed]

Isn't that just beautiful?

[still keep em closed]

BFF's 4 Eva, right?

Now on the count of three, open up your eyes and look at straight at your computer monitor. Get in real close and don't look anywhere but here.

1.......2......and.....THREE:

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shit.

It wasn't all a dream after all.

Thus we have last night's deep, penetrating premise of an ep of The Hills: imagine if Heidi had never met Spencer.

Apropos of the end of the universe, John Lennon got us all to "Imagine" way back when, and Spencer Pratt is obvies the one to quash all "imagining" right in its friggin ball sack.

Indeed.

If Heidi had never met Spence then: LC and Heidi would still be BFF, Audrina would still be a no one sitting out by her pool, we would have no fucking clue who on earth Lo was b/c she would be totally un-needed for the story, Brody would either be LC's fiance or not in the pic at all, Doug would still be the burrioto king, Frankie would still be pointless, Whit would still be boring as all get out, and Holly would probs be the third BFF in LC and Heidi's BFF triumvirate.

Wowzers...now wonder Holly is so into this idea!

In other earth shattering developments: Audrina is not giving anyone else a chance...not even a hot little cutietard she met named Collin who was totally into buttering her buns. Nah, dawg...ya see she just wanted to talk about JustinBobby the whole night and she was really just going out with him to make JB jealous in the first place, so Collin was all: "fuck off, beyotch"...or something like that.

The best was, when Audrina goes to tell JustinBobby (in a roundabout way, mind you...this IS Audrina after all) that she went out on a date with some other dude but basically couldn't concentrate b/c she was obsessing over JB the whole time, JustinBobby, in some brilliant mind meld move, manages to turn the whole thing around into officially giving himself permission to date other bitches.

Totally. Fucking. Brilliant.

But in the biggest news of the fucking night, Heidi gave Dear Famous Asshole a shoutout!

YES, BITCHES...its true!

She wrote LC a letter! I mean, so its not technically an actual shoutout, but we write letters here...and she wrote a letter there on TV...and VP candidates now give shoutouts, soooo....yeah. Kinda!

Here's a transcript of the letter:

Lauren, **
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I'm so sorry for every negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things didn't turn out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me.
Sincerely,
Heidi Montag

[sniff]

[Is anyone now thinking that Heidi is sort of better at stringing together sentences than Sarah Palin? Le sigh].

The whole thing was pretty sad...and was completely brought about becuz Heidi's sister Holly totally overstated LC's missingness of Heidi and made her feel like she had a snowball's chance in hell of mending her best friendship, when really she so didn't.

And we all know why. We all KNOW why Heidi and LC can never, ever, ever, never be BFF's again:

SPENCER.

[duh].

He's ruined everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He's ruined Heidi's life...he's ruined Holly's life (as it looks like she's about to get thrown out of their apt), he's ruined LC's life and taken away her BFF, he ruined Heidi's mom Darlene's life, he ruined Brody's life, Frankie's life and shit, probably Doug's life too. Oh yeah...and me. He's ruined my life as well.

So, yet again, we're here: Fuck you, Spencer. You're a stupid fucking fuck.

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

The Hills, S4: 4 - Vegas Is My Homeboy

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I caught up on this ep and though I covered most of it in last night's recap, I have a few choice thoughts to share.

1. I think my fave scene all season HAD to be when Spencer got into his car, drove over to Heidi's place of employment, called her ass on his celly, made her march her ass downstairs to the parking lot, and then proceeded to whine and complain to her about how her sister erased 3 ENTIRE shows of his off of Tivo! FUCKING TIVO! L-o-v-e-d that shit like a fat kid loves cake. Rawk on with yo bad self, Spence. Gawd do they have an awesome relationship.
   
2. Brody made She Pratt cry! AWESOME!
3. LC broke up with a dude with a private fucking jet!?
   

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

The Hills, S4: 5 - 'You're Not The Bad Guy Here'

Dear Everyone, ***

First of all, I suck.

In all of the buzz about Russell Brand, Britney, the not-to-be-missed VMA's, blah, blah, blah, not once did I see an ad for the super secret pre-VMA Hills ep...WTF, people??

And so I missed the whole fuckin thing.

Tivo has been set and I will catch up, but as of now I'm relying on my 3 minute "Last week on the Hills" recap at the beginning of the show.

And surprise surprise, nothing fucking happened. Except that LC and Lo, bored with the LA setting of their ongoing Audrina tension, decided to switch it up and move the awkwardness and uncomfortableness of it all to Vegas. Cuil!

First off, my hat's off to Lady Gaga's PR people. I don't know a fucking thing about this woman, but after enduring her painful presence on an ep of So You Think You Can Dance this summer in which she was wearing a very high cut leotard, here she is again on the motherfucking Hills. Bravo people...for reals.

My continually evolving hatred for Spencer and wish for harm upon him and his family is prompting me to think I might need to be in therapy. Srsly...its gotten that bad.

Like the passive/agressive douchetard that he is, he somehow manipulates Heidi's sister Holly into asking him about Heidi's feelings and then tells the (admittedly) dumbass ho that Heidi is just sittin around all day talking about how she wants her to move out of their apt. Mind you this is after approximately 48 hours of co-habitation.

Holly then storms her ass out of there and when Heidi comes home wondering where dear ole sis is, Spencer acts like he has no fucking clue. Like that shit never even happened.

But because this show is fake, fake, fake, obvies Heidi knows that something happened and so she proceeds to have the ONLY sort of interaction she and Spencer have with one another these days: a fight.

Elsewhere in the land of la, LC is still just wrecked over the state of affairs with her former (but maybe still if she can rescue things) BFF Audrina [FYI, its REALLY HARD to lose a best friend, people, and LC knows this all too well from her first-hand experience with Heidi].

Despite the fact that the producers forced Lauren to be friends with Audrina way back when becuz she was hott, and liked to prance around in bikinis, and that's how it works on The Hills, it doesn't mean that she has not since developed real and true BFF feelings for the bitch. And that shit hurts when its not right.

I mean, if you take the second "F" out of "BFF" you may as well just be an "F," and like what the fuck is the point of that??

So after a build-up that was so tension-filled I was unsure if Jack Bauer was gonna jump his ass out from LC's closet, these two bitches FINALLY have a heart-to-heart and talk shit out.

Of course Audrina ends up looking like the biggest moron to ever hit my flatscreen...and of course there is crying...and of course no one is wearing waterproof mascara, BUT LC and Audrina call a detente and everyone is now BFF Again!!! (except Lo and Audrina who still hate each other and will forever).

Anyway.

As Whitney says, "Yay!"

In other news:
*Lo's still rockin' her side part
*Frankie, Brody & Doug went to "casino jail" in Vegas
*Whit is getting more responsibility at work from Kelly Cutrone
*And I still want to cut myself for tuning into this motherfucking show every week

the rest is still unwritten,
me

I Hate Myself For Watching The Hills

Dear Hills Girls, **

I would have written last night but I slipped into a boredom coma during your finale. The doctors were only able to revive me after blasting Amanda Lorber's Mr. Roboto youtube video on a continuous loop.

Sooo, to recap:

Lauren and Audrina had some tension.

Heidi acted stupid at work.

Lo was borrrring.

Spencer acted like a dumbass chump.

Le sigh.

I think I might actually be ready to ditch you all for Tila Tequila.

Don't call,
Me

Seriously, New Yorker Magazine? You Watch 'The Hills' Too??

Dear New Yorker Magazine, ***

Aren't you, like, supposed to be writing stuff for smart people?

Just wondering,
me

Right On Yale University! Smart People Watch The Hills Too

Dear Yale University Organizer of the "Largest gathering of people dressed as the Hills' Lauren Conrad,"***

You are a motherfucking genius. Honest to blog.

Hugs and kisses from your biggest fan,
Moi

Et Tu, LC?

Dear Lauren,**
I hate to reach for the obvious here (I really do), but HELLO!? GLASS HOUSES!? Stephanie Pratt? Really??

While my deep, penetrating hatred for Spencer has been unwavering over the past two seasons, I'm shocked to discover that after tonight's episode of The Hills, I'm actually sort of on team Heidi regarding the She Pratt issue.

Yep, here I am.

I've seen the preview from next week of you looking all bug-eyed and hurt when Audrina cops to allowing Heidi to come pick her stuff up at the apartment, and yet you see no problemo whatsoever with practically holding hands with She Pratt and skipping to your loo through the quad? I don't get it.

Except that I do.

I totally get it.

You have zero desire to actually be friends with She Pratt--its just that you know, you KNOW that this friendship will incense SPHeidi so deeply, so profoundly, and so insanely that I can actually see the little dribbles of drool forming at the corner of your mouth when you think about it. I know you are fantasizing about Spencer putting his hand through a bathroom stall door at Hyde or Heidi making a scene at Kitson after finding out some juicy detail about your newfound BFF. I know you are manipulating She Pratt with every innocent looking toothy smile and every chuckle at her lame, no doubt, poorly executed jokes. I can read you like a Kindle.

I still hope Spencer gets attacked by killer bees and has a piano fall on his shiny "present from mom and dad" car, but my white hot hatred for Heidi is a bit luke warm these days. I might even go download her song.

It pains me to say this , but I'm sort of over you, LC.

Love,
Me

P.S. Your fifth grade, tantrum throwing tatics regarding Brody's new GF are not helping matters. You need to get a grip pronto.