SYTYCD Is Reaching Across the Aisle and Bringin the Reps and Dems Together!

Dear Everyone, ***

I offer up an emphatic "TOLD YOU SO" to all you motherfuckers out there who have ever doubted my unwavering and deeply rooted dedication to So You Think You Can Dance. This shit is relevant, people! And it's bringing us all together!

Consider the following as proof:

1. Amy Strozzi, Sarah Palin's traveling stylist is a make-up artist for SYTYCD! She's probs powder puffed Joshua! And Will! And Maybe even Cat Deeley. Anyway. This chick was paid $22,800 for the first two weeks in October to help the governor get her pretty on. This was twice as much money as McCain's foreign policy advisor was paid. Rad!

2. Michelle Obama revealed in a 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer that her favorite show is....

Wait for it....

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!

[insert Mary Murphy rape scream here]

Therefore, with these recent developments, I think it would be totally fucking impossible to deny that SYTYCD is now playing a significant and substantial role in shaping the policies of our great nation.

Jus sayin,
me.

So You Think You Can Be President??

Dear Everyone, ***

Goddammit, do I miss SYTYCD, but this shit is off the hook funny.

That chick has got Mary Murphy's rape scream DOWN. And Nigel!?

Holy freakin hilariousness.

Twitch was robbed,
me

SYTYCD Finale: Just When U Thought It Couldn't Get Any Better Than Gettin' Yo Braces Off, YOU WON, Joshua Allen!

Dear Everyone, ***

So, not sure what's up with you bitches, but that was pretty much two solid hours of hysterical sobbing for me.

Here's a recap:

I cried during all of the favorite recap dances. I cried during the video clips. I cried everytime Cat went goo goo gaga over one of her "babies." I cried because I had to sit through a Jonas Brothers performance. I cried when they brought back the dancers from past seasons and I got to see my girl Lauren Gottlieb. I even cried during Mary Murphy's freakin cougar reunion tour dance with Dimitri.

But nothing, and I do mean NUTHING, could have prepared me for the NYC waterfalls like explosion that erupted from my eyeballs when little brace face, street dancer Joshua Allen was named the winner of So You Think You Can Dance.

I cried cause I was so happy for Josh. And I cried cause I was heartbroken for Twitch. And then I cried for myself. Because not only do I have to wait until next fucking summer to enjoy watching TV this much again, but also I didn't even get any tix to the mother effin SYTYCD tour that sold out in nine seconds flat.

But its totally not fine.

Not Really...I'll be OK.

I promise!(not to do anything crazy).

During tough times like these, I find that stepping into the warm welcoming bossum of a Jay-Z song often helps me express my feelings and deal with my inner turmoil in like a really, real way:

Take the baseline out, uh huh
Jigga uh huh uh huh uh huh

It's the Hard Knock Life for us
It's the Hard Knock Life for us
Stead of treated, we get tricked
Stead of kisses, we get kicked
It's the Hard Knock Life

Indeed, Jigga.

Knock, knock.
Who's there.
No.
One,
mee

SYTYCD Finale: I'm 'Bleeding Love' For ALL U Bitches

Dear Everyone, ***

Wow, it totally feels like the last night of sleepaway camp, right? Like when the whole camp gets together for that queer sing-a-long, and you and all your friends start crying and swearing that you're gonna call each other every day when you get back home, eventhough you never will, but like you don't know that at the time?

Sonofabitch.

I srsly can't believe that this shit is really, truly over. I'm so freakin heartbroken I'd even agree to an all Mia Michaels judge's panel for just one more week of So You Think You Can Dance fabulousness.

Le sigh.

In other news, for like the first time all season, I was not totally digging Cat's look. Her dress reminded me of one of those collapsible plastic cups that you take on camping trips and actually kind of made her look like she had a bit of a gut, which is just insane because, hello, she weighs like 98 pounds at probs 5"10.

And again with Mary...its like one week on, one week off with you. Tonight you looked like you were dressed by Morticia Adams. Was that a dress or a cobweb?

Anyway.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Twitch
Choreographer: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop
Holy fatal attraction fabulousness. I would have loved that dance way more had Courtney not been dressed like Wilford Brimley, but that shit still rocked. Even I'd break up with Court if she'd kick my ass like that...M-E-O-W. [sidenote: Nigel's feeble attempt at a Mary scream was kinda pathetic, but also kinda sweet].

Joshua & Katee
Dance #1
Choreographer: Wade Robson
Contemporary
Gorgeous, beautiful, LOVE. This was the perfect dance for these two bitches and they owned the shit out of it. They have, in my opinion, been the most consistently fab couple thoughout this competition and I love that they got a chance to dance again together one more time during the finale--espesh with this Wade Robson jam. Wade = genius supastar.

Katee & Courtney
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Broadway
Gay dancing...rawk! But, yet again, those costumes were a total disconnect for me. It looked like Mary Poppins threw up all over their asses and I just didn't get it awl. Also, like if you're gonna do gay dancing, let the bitches touch each other a bit more. I don't know, I wasn't feelin' this jam and thought the whole thing was kinda disjointed and meh.

Twitch & Joshua
Choreographer: Youri Nelzine
Russian Trepak
BOO YA! This joint had all of the excitement, fun and chemistry that the girl's gay dance totally lacked. That was off the freakin' chain, boyz and I loved every last second of it. Josh, ur ass looked like you were on a freakin trampoline and Twitch, u were up and down so much I was starting to get dizzy. You guys literally rocked my world with that one.

Twitch & Katee
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & Melanie
Foxtrot
Wow, I think that was the first sexy foxtrot I've ever seen!...and I totally dug it. Twitch's tux just slayed me and those two actually had mad chemistry during that whole number. Katee was gorge and she danced like a princess.

Joshua & Courtney
Choreographer: Jason Gilkison
Jive
That shit was the jammin-est Jive I ever done seen. I know nothing about nothing in the way of technique, so I'll have to take Mary's 5 minute "holy shit, was that hard" speech for what its worth. Nigel didn't have love for this joint, but whatevs....I thought it was cuil.

I think we can all agree that nobody does solo like Twitch does solo.

Also, how freakin' adorable were those one-on-one interviews with Cat? And did anyone else notice how she kinda started to cry right before they all performed their last Mia Michaels Scottish Olympics group dance!?

K, so I barely have the courage to even type this shit out, but I have to, so I'm gonna be strong. Goin home first:
*Courtney
[can't type keys, don't want to say it...]
*.......Twitch??

And final two:
*Katee
*Joshua

And who do I think is gonna go for the gold?: Katee
[But who do I really, really want to win?: Twitch]

There I said it. And I mean every word of it.

Parting is such sweet sorrow,
m.e.

SYTYCD Week 8 Eliminations: 'Hearts Are Breaking Wide Open All Across the World Tonight' for Chelsie & Mark

Dear Mark & Chelsie, ***

I am wrecked.

Completely.

I mean, I'm way more wrecked about you Mark than I am about you Chels, but I'm still beside myself.

There is def some symmetry in you two leaving together. You started together and made us fall in love with you together. And now it feels like you're breaking up with us together.

Mark: This is a bold statement, but what the fuck: you may be my fave SYTYCD-er of all time. I've loved the shit out of you every single week. In fact, your honeymoon period with Chelsie in the beginning of the show--when you two were just dancing circles around all the other couples-- was my tip off that this season was going to be off the hizzy. Your style is fresh, unique and exciting, and to top it all off you're g-o-r-g-e. The last six dancers are all amazing, but your ass is the one that stands out for me the most--your whole "march to the beat of your own drum" shtick just slays me and your future is shinging hella bright. I mean, I've never met you, and don't know a thing about you, but I was literally sobbing last night during your boob hug with Cat. Your dancing touched me...for realzy. And also, now I kinda wanna go to Hawaii to see if there are more people that look like you there.

Chelsie: You've def got a way with those latin men beats. When ur legs get going like they do, I sometimes have to squint to keep up with your ass on the flatscreen. I never quite connected with you on the same sort of intergallactic cosmic level that I did with some of the others (i.e. Court, Mark, Twitch), but I always enjoyed watching you. After you and Mark parted ways, I realized that I loved you way more when you were together with him, but I still loved watching your shit. If nothing else, you should be hella proud that Mia Michaels wants to stab you, because that's like #3 with a bullet on my motherfuckin bucket list.

Also, do you guys go to Cat Deely's house on the weekends for pool parties and potlucks-n-shit? Because never in the history of like ever, have I seen such a loving, caring and nurturing reality TV show host who is so connected to every single one of the contestants (except for Comfort). She genuinely, truly, madly deeply loves all your asses and it makes me want to squeeze her cheeks and rip her blouse off everytime I see her.

I'm still a bit confused over that Lady Gaga shit. If anyone can provide me with a coherent explanation regarding exactly WTF that was, please email me immediately.

Ok, kidz...time to jam.
LYLAS,
me

SYTYCD Week 8: Cat Looks HOtty Hott Hot, Even With a Motherfuckin Grill!

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I'm lazy, and you guys are bored, and Adam Shankman is probs still crying, so we're gonna try something new tonight: SYTYCD in five words or less.

Rather than my full-on long winded play by play analysis, I'm going to give you the first five words that come to mind after watching each dance. It will kinda be like a trip to you shrink's office, except we won't be accomplishing anything and there will be way more cursing.

[sidenote: Mary was off the chain tonight with the rape screams, right?? She looked gorge, tho]

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Mark
Dance #1
Choreographer: Jason Gilkison
Viennese Waltz
Twinkle twinkle little Mark; hottness

Dance #2
Choreographer: Sonya Tayeh
Jazz
Crazy, sexy, cool, funky weirdness.

Joshua & Katee
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tyce DiOrio
Contemporary
Holy.Freakin.Fabulousness.Fuck.Yeah.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Jason Gilkison
Paso Doble
Final two fer sure, fight!

Chelsie & Twitch
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & Melanie
Mambo
Shake those ruffles everywhere, bitch!

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop
Kinda cool, kinda weird. Hmm.

All the solos were pretty rockin, but once again, Twitch = mybitch.

K, so here are my bottom two bebes:
*Chelsie
*Courtney (eventhough I think she seriously rocked it)

And bottom two baby daddy's:
*Twitch (eventhough he RULEZ my motherfuckin world)
*Mark

And goin home?: Courtney& Twitch (le sigh).

If Heidi Montag can fucking vote, so can you people.

Do. It,
me

SYTYCD Week 7 Eliminations: Comfort (YES!) AND WILL (NOOOOO!) Are Duzzo for Realzy

Dear Comfort (**) & Will, (***)

Goddammit, talk about "Bleeding Love."

This is it dawgs. Like, this is my real life intro to the duality of life: i.e we have to take the good with the bad, etc and all that kinda bullshit.

Comfort: Honestly, I don't really have much left to say to you. You are a rad lil' hip hop shorty, but like also you really should have been gone weeks ago. Your litle shoulder touch thing never caught on with me, and I wish I had a tear or two here to shed, but I got nothing.

Will: Though tap class at Miss Mindy's School of Dance did provide me with a broad introduction to the technical aspects of the art, I have never been schooled further in dance enough to know what's really what. However, watching you has honestly been such a treat and a joy. You have such an amazing gift and I have loved almost every second of every one of your jams (minus the Comfort ones). I don't know why American didn't love you as much as my ass did, except for the fact that most of America is dumb.

At least you've got Debbie Allen's bosum to "comfort" your bad ass self on.

Goodnight sweet prince (you too, I guess Comf),
me

SYTYCD Week 7: We All Got Punk'd In Our Shish Kebabs!

Dear Everyone, ***

Goddammit, two more weeks--tha's it?? How did this shit all go down so fast? I got way too much summer left for SYTYCD to already be over, but no bitch ass tears allowed before the motherfuckin' sun comes up.

"Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind."

NOTE to Toni Basil: "I really enjoyed it" is not exactly considered helpful criticism. You seem like a perfectly lovely lady and like obvs are a great choreographer (Bette Midler, etc), but hot damn, you did not add one single solitary second of insight to ANYTHING that was goin on the whole freakin' night...like not once. I think I'm going on record that she was actually the worst guest judge of the whole season. So, there. How ya like me now!?

Nigel and Mary seemed particularly chummy last night. I stopped counting the double entendre/sexual innuendo jokes at three.

Cat looked totally fuckable, as per u'su.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Will
Dance #1
Choreographer: Jean-Marc Generaux
Samba
If I were Courtney, I would seriously never wear anything except for those half dress, body suit, sexpot numbers that she looks so fuckin' fly in. DAYM, gurl! My bitch Court h-i-t IT on this jam. I don't know what the fuck a promenade run is Mary, but I thought these two were smokin' up that dancefloor like a Cheech and Chong movie. Now THAT's how you start a motherfuckin show!

Dance #2
Choreographer: TabPoleon
Slow Hip Hop (wha??)
Ok, the real freakin' photo album was over the top adorable, right? Seriously, I found this jam to be way more touching than that Mia Michaels bit she choreographed in memory of her dad last season that everyone pissed in their pants over. Mary's fakeouts are getting a bit tedious, yes, but this joint was insanely emotional and touching for a hip hop number. And, I'm sorry to keep singing the I Love Courtney song, but that bitch is my shorty...for real, for real. Best quote of the night from Toni Basil: "America will never feel the same again about dance after this show." Preach!

Twitch & Katee
Dance #1
Choreographer: Mia Michaels
Contemporary
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Mia Michael's ego
JK loozers, this one rocked it to the miggity maxx. These two were fantastic together and are both clearly superstars. Katee, everyone loves your ass so much its almost shameful. And Twitch is still my motherfuckin' bitch! Mia...jeezus christ you can choreograph the shit out of just about anything--that joint was fun, funky and good to the last drop.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Broadway
Ok, I hated that hamster on Katee's head that was supposed to be her ponytail. Eww. Otherwise, this jam was cute...and def well danced. I feel a bit more meh toward this one since I'm not generally a Broadway fan and this routine was not quite as Tyce Diorio 2.0 as some of his other ones have been, but it was still really good.

Comfort & Mark
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tab-poleon
Hip Hop
Hot jam of the night alert! Hells yeah, motherfuckers! I gotta give Comfort some props, b/c she has def stepped up her game in the past couple of weeks, and this first dance was a prime rib example of that shit. And hello Mark! HOLY gangsta groovin, homes. I was a little bitter that Comfort was still around after last week, but I think that actually might be fading a bit. Also, I'd still like to eat Mark up with a spoon for dessert.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Jean-Marc Generaux
Foxtrot
Gotta agree with Nigel on this one: it was just OK for me, dawg. Old Comfort (i.e. sucky Comfort) was back with a vengeance on this jam, and its upsetting because this bitch is likely gonna bring my man Mark down with the voting.

Chelsie & Josh
Dance #1
Choreographer: Dimitri
Argentine Tango
*Hot Tamale Train
Well, we haven't had choreographed sex on stage for awhile, so that was nice. These two had amazing chemistry and I have to say, I totally dig Dimitri's choreography. I'm pretty positive that the judges have yet to utter a harsh word about Chelsie, so she's still firmly planted in the "can do no wrong" camp. I'm not quite sure why Nigel felt the need to mention that Josh had the biggest butt in the competition, but as someone who has some junk in my own trunk, it was not appreciated...like, at all.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Dorianna Sanchez
Disco
I love the nightlife, y'all. That was hands down the best disco routine of the season thus far. these two were seriously out of control on this one. That one big lift when Josh lifted Chelsie straight over his head!? Holy hernia. That was insanity. Nigel loves his ass some disco too, so you know he was spooging all of the judge's table with this one.

In solo land, it was ALL about Will for me...that James Brown stuff was hott!.

Goddammit, this shit is hard now. It's like I can't even bring myself to choose to anyone...everyone is that freakin good. You bitches don't realize how hard this job is...sheet.

K, so here are my bottom two Boos:
*Comfort
*Courtney (eventhough I think she seriously rocked it)

And bottom two Boyzz:
*Will
*Mark

And goin home?: Comfort & Mark (FUCK!)

In honor of the best freakin couple to evah hit the SYTYCD stage, I would highly recommend you check out this Mark & Chelsie tribute (sniff).

Vote or die,
me

SYTYCD Week 6 Eliminations: See Ya Kherington & Gev..."For Real, For Real"

Dear Kherington & Gev, ***

Not since Jamie Lynn Spears showed her ass up on the internets 16 and pregnant, have I been quite so shocked. I hate to say it, but I just can't help myself: last night was kind of banoodles.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things (i'm talking like Universe level here), this shit is good because it says this: we, as a society, are willing to give people second chances. This explains why Comfort's ass is right now sittin' pretty on Nigel's lap as Cat serves her caviar and after dinner drinks-n-shit.

Unfortch for you homies, it means a one way ticket on the Hot Tamale Train to nowhere.

Kherington: Don't think we all didn't notice that look you gave Cat when she announced it was your ass that was hittin' the road. We did...and it was kind of funny. And like you, we were all thinking the same thing: WTF? Ok, so you weren't gonna win the show...fine...but there isn't a motherfucker alive who watches SYTYCD that would not have bet their house, car, wife and kids on the fact that it would have been Jess's ass goin' home last night if she hadn't dislocated her vagina like she did. Comfort comin' back and for once, ONE TIME hittin' like she did was unexpected...and unfortunate. For you, at least. So, in summary: while you do have the stupidest name I've ever heard, you are a killer dancer...and I unexpectedly dug you in ways I had never anticipated after you were paired up with Twitch. You definitely shouldn't have gone home last night, but you did, so....yeah.

Gev: I wasn't as surprised about your departure as I was Kherrington's only b/c, again, you were not destined to win this motherfucker. BUT you were rockin' it throughout this w-h-o-l-e competition and we noticed it week after week. Your pairing with my girl Courtney was one of my favorites of the season and your recent solos were seriously off the chain. But bottom line: we were not, as a dance nation, prepared to lose Mark yet, so it had to be u. Hopefully you won't mind going down in the SYTYCD annals as the Dominic 2.0 of season 4--I know we'll be seein' your ass again around the dance-o-sphere, so turn that frown upside down and go fuck Courtney one last time before you're shipped off to the airport.

The group numbers were kickin' and...HELLO NIGEL? I mean, I'm not quite sure what "choreographer" meant behind the scenes since he thanked some other peeps for "assisting him." And true, there was no sophistication or storyline to that guy's dance at all, but still! I'm proud of you Ni-ge!

Despite the fact that it felt a little too Christian for my Jewy ass, Mia Michaels number was also beautiful [sidenote: WTF is the protocol on bringing your OWN damn self to tears with your own freakin choreography?? That bitch was ready to give her very own ass a standing ovation].

And as far as I'm concerned, the more Bollywood the better.

Ok, Gevington, its time. Give mommy a kiss now and go. Quick...like you're ripping off a band-aid. GO!

L8,
me

SYTYCD Week 6: Dr. Spank-En-Stein Was Hoppin On The Love Boat While We All (Yet Again) Got Buck

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so that Jessica bullshit was a little over the top, n'est-ce que pas? I mean, we all knew that somethin somethin went down, so exactly why did she need to come out in a micro-mini to deliver the news that she had two broken ribs and a dislocated vagina? That was so not buck.

After such a hot time at Prom last week, Mary obvs got dressed up for the annual SYTYCD Homecoming Gala. And I think after the loss we all took at the Powder Puff football game this afternoon, I for one was happy to see her glammed up like the fierce cheetah she is. Nigel was wearing one of his Gap clearance rack washed denim shirts, so he clearly did NOT get the memo about the Summer Formal.

Lil' C was an interesting addition to the judges panel, but I def think I prefer him choreographin shit up rather than breakin it down.

Also, for those of you who are as out-of-the-closet pathetic as my ass is, I'll see you on November 6th at the Prudential Center in Newark for the SYTYCD Tour.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Joshua
Dance #1
Choreographer: Dave Scott
Hip Hop
Well, well, well, what do we have here?...a hot ass new motherfucking pairing, that's what! Courtney's hair and weird makeup job was slightly distracting, but aside from that I loved this number. Josh flies under the radar sometimes, but he's a serious Spank-enstein superstar. And Court stepped up to the plate here in a gigantic way---I'm sorry but Nigel was WRONG, wrong, wrong! Also, where the eff you been all my life, Dave Scott? Tab-poleon have been holding their own around these parts fer sure, but fina-freakin-ly we've got another hot hip hop choreographer on the scene who doesn't suck a dizzle as much as Cecily and Olisa.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Jean-Marc Generaux
Rhumba
Go on which your bad self Joshie...bustin' out with the tight pants again. Mmmm Hmmm. This was awesome and hot and crazy/sexy/cool. These two had a killer night and they both better be safer than Ft. Knox tomorrow or I will hunt all you bitches down one by freakin one.

Mark & Kherrington
Dance #1
Choreographer: Ronnie & Brandi
Country Two Step
Wow...we've finally uncovered a style of dance that's cheezier than West Coast Swing. I. Hate. Two Step. Also, (and I KNEW this would happen), I miss Mark and Chelsie in a really, really big way. I was not feelin' these two vibin' on each other at a-l-l, so that didn't help matters. I wasn't even really noticing the screw-ups that the judges pointed out just because the whole freakin thing just looked screwed up to me.

Best quote of the night from Lil C re: this jam: "Uhm...Ok...Uhm..."

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Jazz
Despite the fact that it felt like Mark should have been wearing leg warmers, I did dig this joint way more than their first jam. I do agree with Mary tho--at no point did I feel fired up. It was cute...and kinda gay and fun in a Studio 54 circa 1974 sort of a way. But also sort of blah, blah, meh.

Comfort & Twitch
Dance #1
Choreographer: Hunter Johnson
Smooth Waltz
Twitch successfully jammed his hand up Comfort's ass (something I've been wanting to do for several weeks now) for a seriously death defying lift , so that made me happy. But other than that this was just full on weird for me. I think Comfort brought Twitch's shit way down to Chinatown, and yet again there was no chemistry whatsoever between these two. Here's how I'm feelin' about this whole sitch: "Daym, Comfort...now we gots to vote your ass off AGAIN!?"

Dance #2
Choreographer: Dave Scott
Hip Hop
*Buck Alert
2 Hip Hoppers + 1 hot routine = FINALLY I don't hate that bitch Comfort. I'll give props when props are due and these two deserve props. I totally agreed with Nigel--this is the first motherfuckin time we've seen Comfort even show up this whole competition. Personally, its a bit too little too late for me, but I still dug this jam hard. The costumes, however, looked like they were sewn by a village of blind, retarded Asian child laborers...."for real, for real."

Katee & Will
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Broadway
Ok, so if he ripped open his shirt like that again I'd sail away with Will on a garbage barge down the Gowanus Canal. These two worked really, really well together and, again, I was diggin' the Broadway number from Tyce. The judges all got their first hard ons of the eve for these two, so I think we're all in agreement here. (Also can I get a "ding dong the witch is dead" shout out over the fact that Will has finally broken free from the slave chains of Jessica!?)

Dance #2
Choreographer: Desmond Richardson & Dwight Rhoden
Pas de Deux
[sidenote: hearing Cat pronounce "pah duh duh" just slayed me]
*Hot fuckin number ot he night alert!
This was beautiful, gorgeous, lovely and, yep, made Mary cry. I cried too, Mar, and that is the magic of this motherfuckin show. Wow. Wow. wow. These two were off the hizzy.

Chelsie & Gev
Dance #1
Choregorapher: Sonya
Contemporary
This music was alllll wrong for this number. ALL wrong. The choreography was interesting, but also still a little weird for me (and not weird/cool like Mark...just plain weird/weird). These two rocked it pretty well and seemed to sizzle a bit.

Dance #2
Choregorapher: Jean-Marc Generaux
Jive
Ok, so the jive ain't really my bag, but this was def hott. I'm pretty sure there's no one left in the studio who has not prayed at the alter of Chelsie's legs, so let's all give one more SYTYCD shoutout to the gorge-us-nuss of Chelsie: U are one hott, sexxy mama, chica. I didn't notice Gev slummin' it as much as the judges did, but Chels def was def shining bright during this jam.

As for the solos, I don't really have much to say except that they were all rockin. I did think that Gev's solo was off the hook though...and also he came up with a move with his tshirt that puts the one handed bra dismount to shame.

K, so here are my bottom two Honeys:
*Comfort
*Kherrington

And bottom two Homos:
*Gev
*Mark

And goin home?: Comfort & Gev

Let your fingers do the walking people,
me

SYTYCD News Flash: Jessica Has Gotten Her Ass Fedoke'd!

Dear Fellow SYTYCD Freaks of Nature, ***

Wow, bitches.

M-A-J-O-R news breakin wide open all over the internets: COMFORT IS BACK!

Apparently, Miss Jessica, aka Will's Kryptonite, has gone off and injured her damn self. Here's what our favorite leather clad Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe had to say: "I'm afraid I can't be specific. ... I've been instructed not to discuss the injury...We'll be specific on the show."

Ohhh Kaaay.

Let me be the first to make a very SPECIFIC guess about exactly what happened: unable to handle rehearsals for one more freakin day with that dead weight around his neck like an Albatross, Will threw that bitch Jessica down a flight of stairs and she broke her ankle. Boo yah!

Fine, so Will is way too much of a gentleman to have ever done that...but Mia Michaels would! I Knew it! It was totally that bitch Mia Michaels!

Anyway, as a result of these shenanigans, Comfort is back (Jeezus, how PISSED are you, Thayne? Ouch).

So here is our new and slightly improved list of Top 10 Dancers:
*Joshua (do me rag) Allen
*Stephen "Twitch" (ur my bitch) Boss
*Comfort (blah, blah, meh) Fedoke
*Courtney (girl crush) Galiano
*Chelsie (I want to stab you) Hightower
*Mark (u know u want me) Kanemura
*Gev (u spin me right round) Manoukian
*Kherington (I'm as transparent as a window...) Payne
*Katee (big girls don't cry) Shean
*William (free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last!) Wingfield

Tune in tomorrow for the real dramz.

Comfort-ably numb,
m.e.

SYTYCD Week 5 Eliminations: Comfort & Thayne Wrecked Themselves Before They Checked Themselves

Dear Comfort & Thayne, ***

Wow, bitches. Your time has f-i-n-a-l-l-y come.

Your departure, while not at all a surprise, is a teeny bit bittersweet for me--especially in the case of Thayne who, despite the annoying smile olympics, happens to be an insanely talented, kick ass dancer (as evidenced last night in your solo). But when you gotta go, you gotta go, so...

Comfort: I'm gonna be straight with you sis, and tell you this: I never felt you this season--Like not even once. Not even during the auditions when Nigel was all "you may be the best female hip hop dancer we've ever had on this show," and I was all "WHAAAA???" I mean, yeah...you can kick it-n-shit but that's about it for me, dawg. Also all your complaining about your arm and the clickin...and SHUT IT. That bugged big time. But the final telling moment for me, I think, is after you got your ass served to you on a platter last night. Cat was practically humping Thayne on the stage with her goodbye hug but was like not paying any attention to your ass, AT ALL. Cat is pretty much my own fucking moral compass, so if she wasn't shining her heart light, I've got nothing.

Thayne: You did need to go last night, no question, BUT, also your solo was one of the most beautifully danced pieces I have ever seen on that stage. You've obvs got mad talent and superfly technique and it might have just been that they paired you up with the wrong partner and you just weren't getting lucky with your dance picks. I mean, your smiling did not help at all, so there was also that. But now it seems like Mia Michaels has a major hard on for your ass, so like I'm not worried about your future in the least.

In other news: I kissed a girl, and I liked it too. Also, can someone please remind Katy Perry to wear an actual dress next time she performs?

Thanks.

L8 bitches,
me

p.s. OH...opening number = awesomeness. Tab-poleon rock it out, yet again.

SYTYCD Week 5: Beautiful Dynamite & Extremely Erotic Crotch Bumpin'

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I really wanted to get my socks knocked off tonight, and like, that didn't happen. It's weird b/c you'd think, as someone like myself who is totally ob'd with this show, 2 dances for each couple would be my wet dream come true. I mean, more dancing!? It's a no brainer, right?

WRONG.

I think I realized tonight that because there are soo many dances, we are way more likely to see:
*dances we hate like the quickstep
*so so choreographers like Tony Meredith-n-company
*totally spent contestants
*not enough Cat
*not enough goofy video

I dont know. I mean, it was better tonight with two more contestants gone...and I'm not really suggesting that they shorten the show and get rid of the dancing, but I'm also not totally feeling like this current format is a home run during these two hour two dance weeks. What do you loozeers, think?

Mary looked like she was getting picked up for the prom tonight, so I totally dug that. I think Nigel should have given her a corsage though--that would have been sweet. Mia, of course, was decked out in "cool"--or so she thought. Again, she gives us the undercover lez shoutouts as she donned a hat that seemed to scream "I must be on your head, Samantha Ronson" and then spent the biggest chunk of time during the evening waxing poetic about Chelsie Hightower's legs.

Anyway.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Chelsie & Mark
Dance #1
Choreographer: Alex Da Silva
Salsa
Hot Damn! I'm having difficulty thinking of anything in the world that would make me happier than Mark in a jumpsuit. Holy la cucaracha, that was smokin. I think Mia had the best line of the night when she said to Chelsea: "I want to stab you, you're so gorgeous." People say that to me all the time, so like yeah...I could t-o-t-a-l-l-y relate. I know my ass is on repeat, but these two can seriously do no wrong. Personally, I did not think that Mark was awkward at all (as the judges did), but like maybe he was a teeny bit awkward b/c he was WEARING A SKINTIGHT JUMPSUIT?? Just a thought.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Broadway
Well, that was fun! (except for the moment when we were forced to imagine Nigel and Cat knockin' boots). God, I'm already boring the shit out of myself with these two b/c there is just nothing more to say: They rock. Harrrd. Always. And forever.

Comfort & Thayne
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip to the Hop
What a kick ass freakin' routine, choreography-wise. I think we learned two things here: 1. Thayne simply c-a-n-n-o-t handle badass 2. Cat is the most loving and thoughtful of all TV hosts in the history of the moving picture. She tried to go to bat for these two and Nigel was all "uh uh, bizzatch," but the fact that she tried, makes me love her long time. As for their performance: meh...I'm really just done with these two. I've tried and tried, but I just don't like Comfort at all and Thayne is too smiley for a bitch ass ho like myself.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Contemporary
Was it me, or did no one clap for them after they finished? OUCH, motherfuckers. Mandy Moore is the absolute queen of those super cool "touch me at all times" choreography moves--that is so her flava, and I really dig it. But for reals, I think its sort of pointless to even have tomorrow night's show. I mean, can't we just vote these two off right fucking now and have more time for everyone to perform again manyana?

Will & Jessica
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Contemporary
"This piece is so much more than dance." Uhm, thanks Jess, but that was Josh's line from last week, so......yeeah. Ok, true confessions: I was mesmerized by this joint and, for perhaps the first time all season, was even diggin' Jess. This was gorge, from start to finish, so bravo, Tyce. As for Will, Holy mother of Christ. His body is sick--I'm talking like AIDS sick. I feel dirrty after watching that...and I like it a lot.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & Melanie
Quickstep
Can we call this "quickstab" instead of quickstep, as watching it makes me feel like stabbing my eyes out? I mean, it was cute, but aside from the Mary Lou Rhetton stuff in the beginning I was bored to Gev.

Courtney & Gev
Dance #1
Choreographer: Anya & Pasha (woot!)
Cha Cha
*Hot Tamale Train
Ok, this was magic for me too, Mary. These were two sexy ass bitches out there on the dance floor. Nigel thinks they're the best paired couple of the group, and he's not far off (I say Chelsie & Mark are #1), but these two have mad chemistry. They should make some babies together.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Jazz
Where in the world is Courtney-n-Gev? Right fucking here, fools! This Rocked--Nigel what's your fuckin' beef? This dance was loads of fun and these two can romance my stone, anyyyyytime.

Twitchington
Dance #1
Choregorapher: Lil' C
Krump
Kherrington done gone and bucked my shit UP! That was krump-tacular! As per u, Mary and I are on the same fuckin page: 1st krump krush in four seasons. These two knocked it outta the park.

Dance #2
Choregorapher: Jean-Marc Generaux
Tango
Yeah, the lights and music were more dramatic than the dancing on this joint for me. Also, Kherrington's skirt was ridiculously distracting and totally did not go with the elegant vibe of her top. Blah, blah, meh.

Katee & Joshua
Dance #1
Choreographer: Jean-Marc Generaux
Viennese Waltz
As a general rule, I don't like dances with ghosts...so right off the bat, I was not really down with this one. They were both pretty good, and I did dig the lifts, but this was just ok for me, dawg.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Nakul & Marla ?
Bollywood (nice!)
*Hot Tamale Train - Vindaloo Express
Best fuckin number of the night alert, homies. LOVED this. I loved the energy and the costumes and the music. Hot, hot, hot. My face = rocked the eff off.

K, so here are my bottom three couples (even though two of em are not even real picks and are just there because I hafta):
*Comfort & Thayne (again)
*Will & Jessica (only cause Jess NEEDS to go bye bye...again)
*Courtney & Gev (only cause America is stupid)

And goin home?: Comfort & Thayne

Vote big or go home.

(Obama for President),
me

SYTYCD Week 4 Eliminations: Kourtni & Matt Get Sent Back To Skid Row...Where They Belong

Dear Kourtni & Matt, ***

Feigning concern when you really don't give a shit is a pet peeve of mine, so I'm gonna make this brief and to the point. Your "homeless" number above is where you two really jumped the shark for me, and...well...its hard to come back from green leggings and a man vest.

Matt: You would be an AWESOME cruise ship performer. Call Carnival, dust your face with some magic glitter, and hit the decks!

Kourtni: I haven't really been digging your dancing since the auditions, and I'm not sure why. I didn't think you and Matt were a good pairing, but really you just never stepped it up for me....not once. Also, the way you spell your name makes me want to punch you.

So, my towering infernos, in honor of our nation's independence, you both now have your own... from SYTYCD.

Hot diggity dawg,
me

SYTYCD Week 4: Hip Hop on Sleeping Pills, Monumental Stillness & Mock Turtlenecks

Dear Everyone, ***

PHEW, that was a lot of dancing! Even my ass is tired after all that and all I did was walk back and forth to the motherfucking refrigerator for two hours.

Uhm...was it me, or was Mary wearing a sparkly mock turtleneck?? I mean, that was a mock turtleneck, was it not?? I was waiting for her to pull out a gun from under the desk and hop on a motorcycle---she looked like she came straight off the set of Charlie's Angels.

Nigel was all business this week, and almost got lynched by the audience after a series of rising "boos" nearly did him in.

Napoleon & Tabitha: love you bitches to death on the dance floor, but as judges, you're kinda boring. Also, when you're up there being "jujus" we don't get to see any of your choreography, and based on the fact that I am not feelin those other E. Coast hip hop "hard hitting" (wha??) choreographer chicks, like at all, this was a problem for me last night.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Will & Jessica
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & Melanie
Jive
Oh, sorry...did the program already start? Snore. This dance was all about the flips and the tricks. That one leap through Will's legs was awesome, but correct me if I'm wrong: aren't we all just sitting here on our couches, looking at our watches and waitin' for Jessica's ass to be sent home? That bitch is managing to successfully eat away at my love for Will, and I'm not happy about it. Go home, Jessica....pretty p-l-e-e-z.

**Sidenote SYTYCD producers: Who the fuck decided to kick off the show with this Jive!? You can't tip off a freakin two hour show with some pansy ass number like that.

Comfort & Thayne
Choreographer: Andy Something
Broadway
HELLO, TYAYCo. Nowwwww we're talkin, motherfuckers.

Again, my ongoing hatred for the Broadway numbers is nowhere to be found this year. This jam was fun...and sexy...and surprising, and I totally dug it. I thought they mostly did a great job and was kinda shocked that Nigel took a big fat dump on their faces, but he totally did.

Kourtni & Matt
Choreographer: Can'tunderstandCatatall2Night
Hip Hop
This was, perhaps, the worst dance we've seen yet this season. Those two just make me feel weird. Mary totallly hit the motherfuckin nail on the head with her commentary: we felt nothing. Nada. Zip. Before they even started dancing I was thinking about how uncomfortable they each looked in their own outfits. I mean, at least they weren't dressed like homeless people this week, but this wasn't much better. These two need to grab the super saver fare with Jessica and get the fuck outta dodge.

Chelsie & Mark
Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Contemporary
Kiss it out, bitches. I'm saying it here, and I'm saying it loud: these two are the Brangelina of SYTYCD. Their chemistry is always kickin' it at 10, and so far, they can do no wrong. It does seem like they've been insanely lucky with their choreogrographer matches week after week (like almost suspiciously so), but I don't really give a shit, because I love them both so much I'd let either one of them tie me up in a closet and order me around like I'm their little bitch.

Twitchidor
Choregorapher: Tony Meredith & Melanie
Passo Double
Ok, done right, I truly think that the Passo is one of the hottest dances out there. These two tore it up and I was riveted pretty much the whole time. It was passionate, and dramatic and I still love me some Twitch. The judges were mostly so so about it, but these two are still holdin onto their homecoming king and queen crowns, in my opinion.

Katee & Joshua
Choreographer: Mia Michaels
Contemporary
This could, maybe, possibly be my favorite dance of the season thus far. Goddammit, Mia you annoy the living crap out of me but you are a fucking dance jesus genius. I literally started to cry halfway through this number. And then Josh getting so touched at the end like that!?: "it's so much more than just dancing." My heart is in a puddle on the floor...can I use your do rag to mop it up, Josh?

Courtney & Gev
Choreographer: E. Coast Hip Hop Bitches
Hip Hop
This jam was a lot of fun and I thought Courtney was pretty gangsta-riffic. I'm still not really fellin' these choreographers, tho, which is sort of buggin b/c hip hop is normally my fave shit. Anyone else annoyed by those be-yotches?

Will & Jessica
Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Contemporary
*Hot Tamale Train
Will was back for me in dance two, BIG time. He is just so freakin riveting to watch. Jessica kinda, sorta, I guess did pull it out for this one too, but you know what: too little too late for me. Mary put this one on the Hot Tamle train, but Will is really the one that earned his ticket. Jessica could be a waitress on the Hot Tamale train, but that's about it.

Comfort & Thayne
Choreographer: Edward Simons
Smooth Waltz
Uhm, what the fuck was up with this music? I felt like I just got dropped off at a Renaissance Fair. This was def pretty to watch, but also hella boring. That lift was tight and they def have better chemistry with each other than they did with their last partners, but I think these two are still solidly bottom tier right now. I think Mary got way overly excited over this one.

Kourtni & Matt
Choreographer: Alex DaSilva
Mambo
Ok, I think I'm getting ready to kick Matt square in his permasmile. I'm convinced that this dude has velveeta cheez running straight through his veins. Kourtni was so meh, I'm now rethinking my Jessica stance. Thes two just suck balls.

Chelsie & Mark
Choreographer: Edward Simons
Fox Trot
Aside from the fact that Chelsie's dress seemed to be made out of muppet, this number also rocked the hizzy for me. Truthfully, I've been so busy bein all in love with Mark's dancing, I haven't really noticed how hot he is. But his bone structure, those smouldering eyes, and those eyebrows...I'd like to lick them right off his face. Nigel forgot to take his happy pill today (this is right about when the audience almost tarred and feathered him).

Twitchington
Choregorapher: Mia Michaels
Contemporary
Ok, though I didn't love this dance quite as much as Mia's first number, this was pretty fucking spectacular....but, also would have been sooo much better for me without the rose petals. Thank you, though Mia--very much. After watching the dancers week after week in so many numbers practicially fucking each other right out on the dance floor, you went out and just brought in a god damned bed so that they could fuck each other for really reals with all the necessary equipment. Nice work. (Also Cat calling Twitch "ripped" was just so cute, I can't stand it).

Katee & Joshua
Choreographer: Benji Schwimmer
West Coast Swing
Uhm. Wow. After the mind blowing-ness of their first dance, this sucked in ways I could not have even anticipated. Well, that's not totally true, because I do HATE WEST COAST SWING with the firey passion of a thousand burning suns, but still--this blew. Loved seeing Lacey in the promo clip though (miss you Lacey!!), but the rest of it? Ew. Mary has her "tra la la" bullshit...I've got a new one: "blah, blah, blah."

Courtney & Gev
Choreographer: Andy Something
Broadway
Their timing and coordination was waaay the fuck off in this number. It was super cute otherwise, but they couldn't seem to get their asses coordinated for one hot minute. But I still love these two and this jam was fun.

K, so here are my bottom three couples droppin quicker than Angelina's twinsies:
*Kourtni & Matt (again)
*Comfort & Thayne (again)
*Will & Jessica (only cause Jess NEEDS to go bye bye)

And goin home?: Jessica & Matt

Rock the vote people...I mean it.

I need a nap.

Mia Michaels makes me cry,
me

SYTYCD Week 3 Eliminations: Chelsea & Chris Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200 Benjis

Dear Everyone, ***

First off if any of you l00zers are sick enough to be engaging in some sort of high-level Vegas type betting for this show, I would H-I-G-H-L-Y suggest you stick your asses around here. Notice who was right the fuck on with her week one elimination predictions!? ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Ok, so now Nigel is wearing leather too?!

Also, this dance crew, Qwest, rawked my freakin' face off, you?



So Chris: You're so adorable I might actually submit your pic to that site Cute Overload :) You're flushed cheeks just slay me. On a dance competition on Bravo or somethin', you'd probably totally kill, but this is the pro leagues homes, and you're just not there yet. On a sidenote, you didn't leap enough for me, dude--it started looking like you were afraid to to let your feet not be touchin' the floor. Catch some air! I will always remember your ass as the nilla who Krumped like a champ and got Nigel to masturbate on stage, and that's pretty major.

Chelsea: You were a great dancer and seemed to have lovely technique, but if we're bein really real with each other, it certainly didn't help matters that you were a cute, sassy Black girl with short hair. I'm sure you know that a cute, sassy Black girl with short hair won last year so, yeah...there was that.

On the plus side, you'll both have way more time now to ponder the fact that Jordin Sparks wrote your annoying summer anthem:

"One step at a time, there's no need to rush.
It's like learning to fly, or falling in love.
It's gonna happen when
it's supposed to happen. When we find the reasons why"

Play.
Repeat.

One step at a time,
me

SYTYCD Week 3: Cat-a-Clysmically Cat-Tastic

Dear Everyone, ***

Oh Christ.

Tonight marked the return of Adam Shankman--the one judge I actually find to be more annoying than Mia Michaels. Ok, he does give some genuinely helpful crit on occasion, but also he's like totally in love with the sound of his own voice and it bugs. After kissing up to Cat in all her lacy, just been fucked hair hotness...and kissing Mary's fire whistle screaming lips, I'm ready to take one for the team and french kiss Shaq's ass again if it would mean saying goodbye to this mofo forever.

Also WTF with the opening number? I know you SYTYCD staffers probably have a busy week and all, but can't your asses find some sorta gangsta somewhere to come in and choreograph some shit up!?

Finally, can you p-l-e-a-s-e make sure that whichever bitches you pick out of the studio audience to be BFF with Cat during the opener--you know, standing up there on that crow's nest thing that I keep expecting her to trapeze off of down onto the stage--do not have their friggin' bra straps showing through their tank-a-tinis like some skeezy ass ho?

Thnx.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Twitchington
Choregorapher: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop
Ok, true confessions: I loved watching this sugar sweet sunshine, blondie, white ass Kherrington chick busting her ass ALL over that stage trying to be as ghetto fab, booty-licious as her Aryan self could be. Though, I gotta say, those orange jumpsuits were a bit distracting for me...it almost made them look 3D. BUT, those bitches hit it and they hit it h-a-r-d with this joint. Proof was in the pudding when Mary let loose with one of her rape screams and Nigel faked us all out so good. I bet you a benji you were sitting on the edge of your couch with your mouth all open and your titties knockin thinking "WTF motherfucker!?" till he finished saying his piece and you realized your ass had been played by Nigel like a harmonica.

Courtney & Gev
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & his sassy, fat, red-headed assistant
Rhumba
Slightly Circus of the Stars lookin' opening bit, but holy shit did Courtney look hot in that sparkly blue panty cloth. With the "grab her butt" pre-show antics (I think that must have been said a minimum of eleven times), we knew that this number was destined to be hotsy totsie, but mama mia: that shit was like choreographed fucking right there on the stage on network TV. I loved the crap out of this one, and thank Christ the judges did too. [Can someone please get Adam Shankman on a timer...and tell him to shut his hole after like the first 30 seconds?]

Chris & Comfort
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
African Jazz
This number was brought to us by Bed, Bath & Beyond. Shit Chris, I have a feeling that this might be goodbye for realz this week. First of all, you guys have zero chemistry, like none. I wouldn't be surprised if Courtney got pregnant during her dance with Gev, wheras you two were like a gay guy and a lez tryin' to go hetero with each other. Again, Chris, you're cute as a button, but I wish "kick ass dancer" was the first thing that came to my mind about you rather than "cute." This was really just ok for me, dawg.

Will & Jessica
Choreographer: Doriana Sanchez
Disco
I love the night life, y'all. Ok, here's the straight dope: Jess, you are a sweet gurl, fer sure, but you need to get your ass back to whatever pro NBA or NFL dance troop you came here from. The judges and I totally parted ways here--I thought this number was ridiculously mediocre. I wasn't even that blown away by Will, and you freaks know that I normally love me some hardcore Will. Though I was totally swooning during the promo piece when Jessica was talking about how much of a true gentleman Will is [insert cougar purr here]. But I wasn't feelin' this joint...like at all.

Kourtni & Matt
Choreographer: Sonya Tayeh
Contemporary
Holy, ninja Mohawk! I felt sorry for the homie that had to sit behind that bitch at the show. Ok, I start getting bored with these fuckers as soon as I stroke out their names on my keyboard. First off, those costumes were horrendous. I have no idea what those outfits were supposed to be saying, but to me they said: "I got dressed in the dark...and I'm retarded...and homeless." I know that's not supposed to be their fault, but shit...those costumes were so bad that there is no way in Christ I would ever let my ass be sent out on stage lookin' like that. Again, I part ways with the judges here because I thought that this one was seriously nothing special either. And I have a feeling that the judges were just all too busy kissing the new she-ninja choreographer's ass to notice that this dance was just blah, blah, meh.

Chelsea & Thayne
Choreographer: Heather Smith
Quick Step
S-N-O-O-Z-E.

Let's recap: first week = hot tamale train; second week = caboose; third week = men's room urinal at Penn Station during a heat wave while the air is on the fritz. You two are the second most boring-est peeps on the show (after KourMa).

Chelsie & Mark
Choreographer: Napoleon & Tabitha
Hip Hop
"Please don't go to work, daddy...mommy is so l-o-n-e-l-y." Favorite fucking number of the night alert. These two still rock my world and haven't had a single misstep yet. Adam Shankman loves these fuckers too...which almost makes me feel like I should hate them, but that's insanity. Like crazy with a "K." I'm still missing Wade, but Tabitha and Napoleon are definitely holdin' their own too--gotta give props where props r due.

Katee & Joshua
Choreographer: Tony Meredith and you know who
Samba
*Hot Tamale Train (first class cabin lodging)
These two were on fire...a-g-a-i-n. They are another example of a totally bizarro pairing (a la Chelsie & Mark), but they just freakin' work in every single way. As much as I wanted to punch Katee full on in the face during auditions, she continues to win me over. And Josh is just so damn cute, with those sweet ass braces and those little dimples...he was like a super cool, non-scientologist John Travolta out there. I predict JoshEE will be totally safe this week.

K, so if I had to lay it on the line, I'd say my bottom three with a bullet are:
*Kourtni & Matt
*Comfort & Chris
*Chelsea & Thayne

And goin home?: Chris & Chelsea

I just finished making my calls and voting for everyone else. Rock the votes bitches...voting ain't just for fuckers named Obama-n-shit.

Shank Man no more,
me

My Sick And Twisted So You Think You Can Dance Fantasies

Dear Everyone, ***

Is it Wednesday yet??

Sooo....its probably not going to come as any great shock if I reveal to all y'all that I'm pretty fucking weird. This weirdness results in me spending an inordinate amount of time mulling over all sorts of effed up shit like this, for example: if the choreographed SYTYCD dances were people, which ones would you want in your life and why? Like, I mean, look at the dance itself, not the dancers, and imagine that each one was an actual living, breathing person.

T-o-t-a-l-l-y weird, right? But also kinda fun. Ok, here I go:

Choreographer: Dimitry Chaplin
Dance: Samba
This is the dude I'd want to go home with after meeting up in a sweaty bar, lying about my name, and accidentally taking a hit of x. He'd be Italian, of course, illegal probably, and would whisper "bella" and "cara" to me liberally throughout the night. He'd never call me again, even though I'd see him out with his friends sometimes, and I wouldn't even really care, because that one night we were 'mettere insiemi' would have been totally worth it.



Choregrapher: Mia Michaels
Dance: Contemporary
This is that weird, edgy guy in college who would love that I wear glasses and think that I'm brilliant even though I watch Melrose Place and Real World. He'd probably be gay, but I'd fall a little bit in love with him anyway and we'd kiss one night and it would be really bad. We'd reconnect years later on Facebook...and play Scrabulous.



Choreographer: Wade Robson
Dance: Jazz
This would be my token "weird" friend who has nipple rings and claims to actually enjoy listening to Marilyn Manson albums. He'd love to wear guyliner, but then deny that he's wearing it when you call him out on it. Also, he'd sell me weed.



Choregorapher: Mia Michaels
Dance: Contemporary
This would be that first really hot, interesting, seemingly perfect dude that I would meet after moving, or quitting my job or taking on some other big life altering decision. And this meeting and subsequent one or two or three perfect dates with said dude would be the "sign" that I did the right thing and that my life was amazing and moving in exciting directions. Then he would just stop calling me for no reason and I would cry for two weeks thinking it was because I wasn't smart enough/pretty enough/promiscuous enough/hot stripper looking enough until I realized, after reading some self-help book du jour, that he was an asshole in the first place and that the only one who is ever going to be totally committed to ensuring my daily happiness in this world is me.



Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Dance: Jazz
This would be my BFF who I've known since elementary school. She never dumped my ass, even when I was going through that really awkward stage from 9-13. We would tell lots of silly inside jokes that no one else ever laughed at and even though we would have changed a lot through the years, we would still keep in touch and be bridesmaids in each other's weddings and pretend to like each other's husbands when we really didn't...at all.




Choreographer: Shane Sparks
Dance: Hip Hop
This guy would like t-o-t-a-l-l-y be my husband. He'd be adorable, and cute (but also hot) and he'd know that he's got it goin' on, but also kind have no clue why. He would throw his back out if he ever tried picking me up like that, but he would probably try anyway, and I would love him for it despite the fact that it would end up costing us thousands of dollars in chiropractic bills. He would bring home Pinkberry for me all the time without even asking me if I wanted it, and would walk the dog at night because he was worried about my safety, even though we'd live in a ridiculously safe neighborhood. Basically, he would rock my world...like any good gangsta should.



Yikes, there I go getting all promiscuous and shit online again. I'm sorry about the overshare, but need I remind you chumps that "I am way too emotionally invested in STYCD?"

Probably not.

Twitch, I'm still ur bitch,
me

SYTYCD Week 2 Eliminations: Susie & Marquis Get Jacked In Their Holes

Dear Susie & Marquis,

As Flo Rida so aptly put it: "whoa hot damn, this just wasn't (sic) your jam."

Marquis: you are unbelievably talented and your technique seems pretty freakin' flawless, BUT your name is ridiculous and, for some reason, you def were not as likable as all of the other dudes. I mean, you seem like a way better dancer than Chris, but he's got those eyes...and those adorable flushed cheeks...and you kind of look like Alfonso Ribiero from Silver Spoons. And it just doesn't work.

Susie: as far as teachers go, it just doesn't get any hotter than you. If I were a 17-year-old, Pro-activ usin' World of Warcraft devotee, I'd be jerkin' off to cell phone pics of you e-v-e-r-y night. But let's be honest: you didn't have a jalapeno pepper's chance in Caliente of making it past week three without some sort of divine intervention. I give you mad props for limping through the action as long as you did, and I'm totally positive that the upcoming productions of Grease, My Fair Lady and West Side Story that you'll oversee at your high school are going to be fucking epic. In the meantime, you need to do something about your hair. That shit looks good on NO ONE and as a Hooters-girl-resemblin', pre-pubescent cougar, you gotta keep yourself in check if you don't wanna be mistaken for a tranny at the Salsa bars in Miami.

And so SuMarq, your time with us is dunzo. The cool thing is, we'll always remember you both for going out on the show where Nigel grabbed his junk and Cat went girl gangsta.

We laughed...we cried...we went banoodles.

Asta la vista babies,
me