David Archuleta Was Fucking Robbed!

Dear psychotic screaming American Idol obsessed tween girls, ***

This is pretty much *exactly* how I felt on the day I found out that Clay Aiken was gay.

Le sigh.

xoxo,
me

p.s. it only gets way the fuck worse from here, ladiez.

Here's Some Advice Miss Teen Louisiana USA: In The Game Of Life, Choose 'Smart' Over 'Pretty'

Dear Everyone, ***

There is a very well known, universally accepted maxim at work in the world, and whether you talk about it or not, I'm here to tell you that its totally fucking true. Here it is: you can be smart, or you can be pretty, but you CANNOT be both.

That's right. It's smart OR pretty...one or the other.

I don't make up the fuckin rules here people...I'm just the messenger.

Now, of course not everyone who's smart is ugly and not everyone's who's dumb is pretty, however, you are primarily known in the world as one or the other...like, overwhelmingly so.

This means that if I walked my ass out to Times Square right now, forced 100 random people into a little room and marched myself in there to stand there and talk to the good folks for 5 mins, after I walked away, 98 of those motherfuckers would be sayin' "there goes that smart girl."

This fact was kind of an upsetting blow for the teenaged me who was really just hoping to get banged by a football player, but now it's alll good in the hood. Really. I swear.

Sure, I can get dolled up and slap on the sex every once in awhile, but that still doesn't change the fact that 9 out of 10 sons of bitches know me out in the world as the "smart" girl.

Anyway.

You know who's NOT known out in the world as a smart girl?: Miss Teen Louisiana USA, Lindsay Evans. Lindsay, is pretty much your card carrying pretty girl.

Check this shit out: Linds goes out to grab a bite with her bitches at her local "full service, family oriented" Mexican restaurant, Posados Cafe. I imagine a delicious, salsa infused meal was had by all, but homegirl decides to chip out on her chalupa and "dine and dash" (who the fuck uses that phrase, by the way?? I mean, I realize that I just did, but I'm just doing it b/c everyone else is. Only this is the first time I've heard that in my entire life. Oh yeah...smart girls don't dine-n-dash).

It gets way better, tho, bias.

Not only does this pageant weasel skip out on the check like some hooligan, bitch leaves her purse sitting in her greasy ass booth....WITH A BAG OF MOTHERFUCKING WEED IN IT (Oh, Snap!). And her ID, lip gloss, a bible, a McCain/Palin button and a tube of anal lube. Actually, not sure about the lip gloss.

Her bill was $46.07

Needless to say, Miss Louisiana Teen USA had her title stripped toute de suite as soon as the proper authorities got wind of her shenanigans. Oh yeah, and they stomped on her crown and arrested too for drug possession too.

Pretty girl had to go fuck AWL her own shit up by acting like a complete and total douchetron in front of everyone on the planet.

Le sigh.

As we all know from watching the Spears clan, there are not exactly opportunities a plenty for girls growin up in Loose-i-ana. But this shit was almost as stupid as that guy who tried to cash a check for $360 billion dollars.

Take some advice from a smart girl, my pretties: check yo self before you wreck yourself (and never, I repeat NEVER leave a bag of weed unattended).

stupid is as stupid does,
m.e.

This Time I Mean It: Will You Marry Me, Bo Burnham!?

Dear Bo, ***

I. Die.

You are so freakin adorable, I die.

I'm officially OB'd with your ass. Like in a really scary kind of a way.

And of course the moment I read about you...and how you were Judd Apatow's new golden boy, I decided immediately that I hated you. And that you were probably annoying and whiny and not even remotely funny (kinda like Pineapple Express).

But I was so totally wrong. Like Jim Cramer "buy Wachovia" sort of wrong.

Cause you are hilarious, and brilliant, and achingly adorable. And I think I just tried to lick my laptop screen during your youtube video.

And if you ever sang a song just for me, I would melt all over the floor and drip into a pool of wet, hot Bo Burnham love juice. And I would... [OH SORRY].

Uhm.

I'm back.

Anyway.

I love you.
(like a lot).

Jus sayin,
m.e.

Bristol Palin To Star in New Cheech & Chong Movie!

Dear Wasilla Pussy Posse, ***

I know its been a long time since my last group shout out, but we've got like a major code red situation on our hands.

Shit is getting SIRIUS, and I totally need all you guyzes help.

As my mamz says, "the media has a hard on for me BIG TIME," and they're just not gunna rest until they uncover every last bad thing I ever done did (Y'all can shut the fuck up right the fuck now, cause I ain't in the mood for jokes).

These homos are even posting my fuckin voicemail message for fun.

Gawd.

Anyway, the latest is that SOMEBODY (and I'm not naming names, but I would totally guess its that little jealous slut Lynesia) released a video of me smoking weed. Now, I know all y'all might be thinking "shit...there are probs like 100 videos of my ass smokin weed," but this shit is serious now, people!

I don't care how many fuckin' weed videos there are of me...I just need your help makin' sure that NO ONE else sees em.'

I already got a serious beatdown from the governator over this shit and I'm just panicked that is gonna get like way, way, worse.

Here's what needs to happen: I need you guys to go through all of the video that you might have of me. Look at ALL of it and go through shit with a fine toofed comb. Look for any footage of me OR Levi:

*smoking weed
*snorting coke
*drinking
*smoking cigarettes
*beer bonging
*taking Ex
*snorting/smoking Oxycontin
*buying drugs
*buying booze
*doing keg stands
*etc
*etc
*etc
(LOL!)

And if you find ANYTHING, get that footage to me right away. This is super important guys, and like a lot of you seriously owe me big time, so I really, really, need your help here. I will find a way to pay you for any of this footage and also take care of each you with the usual (wink wink : )

I don't even want to have to say this cuz it will guar-an-tee that my mom will kick my ass from here till next Tuesday, but we need to make sure that NO ONE, never, ever sees that stupid fuckin sex tape we all made after prom. I don't give a shit what sort of a "rockstar" you think you looked like, you all need to make sure that you've pulled ANY footage you have of that shit off of youtube/myspace/facebook, and don't even talk about it with anyone anymore, EVER.

All you bitches need to seriously step up to the plate now and help me keep these reporters runnin.

Obvs if my mamz gets into office with McOldy, this is gonna mean waaaay better axcess to all sorts of shit for all of us (like Jamaica Senior Trip, 2007!!!!), so this benefits you guys too.

I love all you guys, for realz...and I totally appreciate your help.

Wasilla Pussy Posse, Rawk on!

xo,
m.e. (Bristol)

Wow, Lynne Spears Might Actually Be More Annoying Than Elisabeth Hasselbeck

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ATTN Baby Name Book Writers: Step The Fuck Away From Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin, Right The Fuck Now

Dear Sarah Palin, *

So, congrats on the Republican Veep nod-n-all.

Thanks to magic of the Jet Blue back-of-ur-seat TV's, I was able to catch your little acceptance speech on Friday in Dayton en route to my Labor Day festivities.

And so, I've had a few days now to marinate over the fact that you genuinely seem like a crazy, right wing, gun-toting, Tina Fey lookin' bitch...which is cuil. I guess. At least for all the peeps who are into crazy, right wing, gun-toting, Tina Fey lookin' bias.

But that's not what I really want to talk about.

Your shout out to former Hillary supporters was clever (slash ridiculous), but despite your not even remotely compelling argument, I'm not quite ready to abandon my commitment to a woman's right to choose, gay rights or gun control just cuz you both have vajayjays.

Nice try though.

(But that's still not what I really want to talk about).

I also noticed that you didn't give any shout outs to teen pregnancy (Baby Bumps, hollah!) during your acceptance speech, even though it appears that your 17-year-old daughter is a slut totally knocked up herself.

But whatevs...that's not even what I'm really interested in getting at.

I got beef that goes way deeper than all this surface shit...and here it is:

*Track
*Willow
*Bristol
*Piper
*Trig

Uhm.

(I just threw up a little bit in my mouth).

These are the very, very unfortunate names of your five children (like, for reals?) and, quite frankly, this is where I think we should all be focusing the majority of our attention.

Cuz this shit is: Fucked. Up.

Individually, these names represent various levels of offensiveness and ridiculosity (from very very stupid in the case of Trig, to only mildly nausea inducing for Willow), but its the collective impact that the five names together have on the question of your judgment that cannot be ignored.

You are clearly not cut out for making any motherfuckin decisions for this nation.

I do agree that we're all entitled to some slack every now and again, but this shit just pushed way beyond even my own motherfuckin limits for tolerance (and might I remind you that the bar is already set pretty darn low).

Anyway.

Looks like I'm still sittin pretty on team Joe-Bama.

Proven Protection...that feels really good!,
m.e.

Miley Cyrus 'Peeny'-Bopper Candy...Good To The Last Drop

Dear Miley, ***

Oh, Hai.

So I don't know that much about how this whole Hollywood, juggernaut thingy works, but I would guess at this stage of the game you probs have a whole team of people who just sit around brainstorming ideas about further ways to merchandise your ass.

And considering you're more famous than Jesus Christ now, obvies you guys would have all the basics handled like lunchboxes, notebooks, tshirts, books, scuba gear, etc.

But, like also, you're not just a TV star anymore. You had that whole Hannah Montana concert movie that made a bajillion dollars and now you do real concerts too.

So like, OF COURSE, one of your "people" was probably sitting around with another one of your "people"...gettin' high and brainstorming...and someone came up with the brilliant idea of doing Hannah Montana Candy.

Cause, of course, kids will come to the Hannah Montana concert, buy the Hannah Montana tee and the Hannah Montana lunchbox and then they'd be sitting in their seat all hungry-n-shit and be like "Mom...I WANT SOME HANNAH MONTANA CANDY! PLEEEEEASSE!"

Genius.

Fucking, genius.

I mean kids love candy....and always want something to eat at shows...so why the fuck not?

So someone probably pitched the idea, and researched manufacturers, and taste tested flavors and the whole nine yards. This could have been going on for months...or maybe years! And finally, (HOORAY!), after all the hard work, and planning, and strategizing, Hannah Montana sweet and sour candy is here!

Oh, uhm...but the only hitch is: your candy looks exactly like big, hard hairy cocks.

Oopsie.

Well, at least this will serve as a good distraction for peeps should a whole new round of SeXXy Miley iphone pics surface today!

best of both worlds, indeed
me

Miley Cyrus is Better Than Everyone At Everything: Congrats To The Ultimate Dance Off Champion

ACDC Teen Choice Awards 2008

M&M Crew Teen Choice Awards 2008

Dear Everyone, ***

OMG, you bitches totally suck!

How could I have missed this? And how could no one have emailed me/twittered me/or facebook'd me about it??

Miley Cyrus and ACDC had their final, in-person dance off at the Teen Choice Awards this past Sunday, and not one of you mofos bothered to fill me in!?

Sheet.

I've been tuned into this action from day one and (sniff) I'm, admittedly, a little sad that my one and only legitimate connection to the sexy pic, iphone lovin' tween queen has now been permanently quashed. But like also, I'm kinda outraged.

What you don't see in the vid is Miss Fergalicious herself, crowning Miley & Mandy the ultimate dance off champs as the audience cheers on with unbridled, hysterical Hannah Montana glee.

M&M Cru won?? Wha??

I mean, fine. I admit it. I do love me some Miley, but an M&M Cru victory!? That shit is just cracked out Whitney Houston-like insanity.

ACDC rawked the motherfuckin house out at every stage of this dance off, and goddamit, they wuz robbed!

All those screaming teenyboppers done gone and had their brains scrambled up by those hott pix of Miley's abs-n-shit. That's the only explanation.

Or maybe it was just LL.

I mean, that is sort of the quickest way to end any ongoing longterm beef. I believe the Law of LL states: if you can convince LL Cool J to publicly take your side in any ongoing conflict, whether real or imaginary, the other side must immediately concede defeat or risk permanent, unrelenting societal embarrassment.

And so, the biggest online dance battle in the history of the world has, sadly, come to an abrupt and shocking end.

"Mama said knock you out," indeed,
me

SeXXy Miley Cyrus Pics = So What?

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm not really quite sure what all the motherfuckin fuss is about here, but as we try to be somewhat timely with our correspondence, I guess we need to acknowledge the fact that some semi-sexy, but barely any big deal whatsoever photos of Miley Cyrus have surfaced.

Of course, by "surfaced" we mean some perv hacked into her iphone, probably scrolled through thousands of sweet and completely innocent photos and then came up with these few semi-controversial ones. Allegedly, these were some pics that she sent off to Nick Jonas, (one of the Jonas Brothers--but don't ask me to point out which fucking Jonas b/c I have no friggin clue) when they were dating.

Here's what I have to say about this whole goddamned ridiculousness: WTFMF's?

Jamie Lynn Spears just gave birth to a freakin baby at 17; Emma Watson routinely gets snapped wearing see-through panties; Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and half of Beverly Hills High School have been to motherfuckin jail! Are we really all up in arms over a photo of Miley in the shower with her tshirt on!?

True, I guess after the VF controversey this is all slightly more juicy, but COME ON PEOPLE. Really!? You should see some of the pics I have on my iphone! Let's just say that they would make these Miley wet tshirt snaps in the shower look like passport photos.

I'm a little surprised by it myself, but over the past few months I have developed some mad love for Miss Miley Montana. I think we all just need to leave this bitch alone and let her have her good, ole teenaged fun. If she were my daughter, I'd be dancing a fucking jig..."You mean you're not knocked up? You didn't get pulled over with cocaine in your car? You're not doing horse tranqs with Amy Winehouse in the bathroom?"

Hall-e-fucking-leu-jah.

Also, Miley's in a motherfucking dance off, people, so that's like a lot of pressure for a young girl to be dealin with--show some God damned respect!

Sheesh.

Mad for Miley,
me

Jamie Lynn Spears Is Totally Gonna Beat Out Dina Lohan For Mom of the Year, Y'all!

Dear Jamie Lynn, **

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little girl 4 you-n-Casey!

Maddie Briann is, like, the prettiest name I've ever heard in my life aside from Crystal Destiny or Ashleigh Tiffani...or maybe Brittani with two t's and an i. I'm sure she's so so beautiful and is probs like already primping for her OK! Magazine cover shoot next week. LOL!

I was so glad to hear that Brit Brit was flying down to be with you too, because, like I hear that the first few days after having a baby can get kind of stressful, ya know? And it will be super nice to have someone around who can help with poopy diapers or running out for supplies like Cheetos, Dr. Pepper or those Jack Daniels cuntry cocktails that are soooo good.

Was Casey in the delivery room with you!? ROFL! I'm sure he was! I hope you got some pics of him in those cute little scrubs they let you wear, because I want to see em in your scrapbook! (you BETTER be making one, JL!!!). I was in Wal Mart the other day and they had these little stickers that I thought would be so perf for you to use; they said things like "#1 Mom" and "cute as a button" or my favorite: "president of the hot mom's club!" OMFG..so funny!

When do you think Maddie will be ready to get her first set of extensions? Hopefully by the time you guys do the mag cover shoot!!! JK! But I do think you should use like a really subtle, sparkly pale pink shadow for her when you do the pics--that would be soo pretty! And lipgloss, of course, but like duh!

In the meantime, try and rest up and get some sleep. The baby weight clock starts ticking like right now and you've only got 3 weeks or so to get your hot, sexy, 16-year-old girl bod back before people start comparing you to Kirstie Alley. You might have to go ana for a day or two, but who cares...you're a mommy!

Congrats again, JL! Who would have predicted that you'd go straight from Nickelodeon to the the "hot mom's club" before you you even graduated high school!? Ha. So crazy.

Give Maddie a kiss for me...and Casey too!! (a french one, HA!! LYLAS, JK!)

xoxo,
me

Miley Cyrus, You Are So Danceriffic!: The Battle To The Death Continues...

Dear Everyone, ***

Why every single God damned person on the planet is not talking about this Miley Cyrus/Mandy Jiroux vs. Adam/Chu's Dance Crew (ACDC) dance off is truly beyond me.

As far as I'm concerned, I could take all the Brangelina shit, all the B list baby birth shit, and even all the MTV/Hills/"Bromance" shit, set it all on fire, smoke it, and use the ashes to fuel my macbook battery so that i could run a 24/7 dance-r-iffic loop all the live long day. Guys: its the biggest online Youtube dance battle in history! Are you getting this???

M&M have just dropped their latest joint in response to ACDC, and let's just say stakes have been raised...like with a helicopter...and Chris Kattan.

Two months ago I had no fucking clue who Hannah Montana was, but I swear to God, following this M & M Cru/ACDC Dance off, I'm ready to watch that bitch ass show AND buy me a Miley lunchbox to take to work.

True, thus far ACDC has made M&M Cru look like a special needs kids camp dance troupe, but still, my little Miley my my is steppin' up to the plate like a home girl and gettin' her shit dun. I mean, this sort of a production requires like actual crews, and craft service and shit, right?

un-mother-freakin-believable!

Right? Hello?? Can everyone please get as excited about this shit as I am?? What's wrong with you people?

Dance,
me

Gossip Girl Finale: A Poem to Read on the Hamptons Jitney

Dear Gossip Girl, ***

I wrote you a poem:

Murder was fun
as a plotline
fer
sure
But now we are bored
and
we need way more

Serena is good
chuck is bad
Nate is boring
Dan's love was a fad
Georgina = psycho
Blair
Blair
B-l-a-i-r
B
L
A
I
R
(jenny, rufus, Lilly, blah)

Lydia Hearst...wtf
will
fuck
chuck

Snooze

Have fun in the Hamptons...but not too much fun because you have some freakin plotlines that need to be developed before you show your face around here again.

You know you love,
me
(xoxo)

Alex, You So Don't Even Deserve Amanda Lorber...Like Not Even A Little Bit

Dear Alex, *

You truly disappointed me last night.

I mean, what the hell is wrong with you these days? You started off as this sweet, smart, teen nerd and in four short eps have morphed into a sweaty, whiny pussy whipped tool. Look at yourself. You actually managed to ruin this adorable Homecoming picture...and Mrs. Weiss agrees!

Your need to be a "cool kid" is getting kinda lame, and its seriously interfering with your rep. I had high hopes for you--I even thought you might eventually come around to realizing that Amanda was the better choice for editor-in-chief...and your one true love (le sigh). Alas, your head seems filled with nothing these days but Alex + Alix montages and Trevor/Gianna orchestrated bullying techniques. It's so very sad.

And don't think this isn't all affecting you. You look like you haven't slept in days and your zit factor is through the freakin roof.

And so, in conclusion, your refusal to dance with Amanda at Homecoming, for me, is t-h-e final straw. I'm done with you Alex...for good.

"She's Amanda Lorber...she's perfect." Indeed.

Lorb-it or lose it,
me

p.s. Aren't you just an eensy bit jealous that ALo will be living it up in NYC...probably interning at the NY Observer and eating magnolia cupcakes all the live long day? Thought so.

If You Wanna Live In the Zip, You've Gotta Live By the Code, 90210

Dear Everybody, ***

You have got to be fucking kidding me with this piece of shit 90210 promo. Have you seen it?? A little piece of me is dying down deep inside because I have to say this, but this show looks like a big, heaping crap sandwich.

Let's analyze:

• The original theme music (BOMP BOMP) def gets the old juices flowing, but a scant two seconds in and we've got our first sign of trouble: Brandon 2.0 and Dylan 2.0's lame ass hand shake slap combo. This is bad. Original Brandon did a faux punch--which managed to make him seem both masculine and good natured. These two look look like two whiny, nine-year old girls at summer camp.

• Next we move on to the show's obvious villain--the bad girl daughter of Portia de Rossi from Nip/Tuck who liked to have cocaine snorted off her belly before she performed kinky sexual acts on men old enough to be her father--like her gay mother's lover's ex-husband. Ok, this chick could m-a-y-b-e, possibly be interesting.

• This is West Beverly High's newest young gun douche teacher. OMG! I wonder how many eps it will be till this chump is fucking the head cheerleader?

• Some dude has his shirt half tucked in and half out and is wearing a skinny tie. I kid you not!

The rest of the promo is crap, crap and more crap starring the new 90210 cast (cool moms, cool grandmas and cool teachers, oh my!).

As if this promo wasn't lame enough, they've managed to come up the single most colosally ridiculously tagline I've ever heard:

“If you wanna live in the Zip, you gotta live by the code.”

I think my ears are bleeding and...yep, I definitely just choked on my own vomit. This is seriously the best you network suits can do? I mean, have you ever even seen Gossip Girl??

Anyway, I hope you make me eat my words CW...I really do. You've got your work cut out for you, but I'm not giving up on you yet.

Bitches for Brenda,
me.

Ali Lohan Hits the 'I Want to Be Famous' Trail...Hard

Dear Ali, (*?)

Man, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

What a devilishly delicious preview this snapshot represents of the celeb-u-tastic, paparazzi'd, hollywood-ified cluster fuck your life is about to become. Big sis LiLo is safely tucked away behind her big camera and you...you, miss thang, are t-o-t-a-l-l-y ready for your close up, aren't cha??

Well, baby doll, I'm ready too.

While everyone else is planning bar-b-ques, getting spray on tans and having their pits waxed in preparation for Memorial Day, I'm relaxing on my couch. I'm not going to the beach because there is no electricity there or cable, and the only thing I give a shit about on Memorial Day weekend is watching the premiere of your new show on E!, Living Lohan.

I am oh so excited to get this party started with you. If Hey Paula was any indication of what's to come, I think its safe to say that we all have a summer of cringe-worthy, inappropriate comments, ridiculous, overblown reactions, and over-the-top bratiness from you and Mama Lohan to look forward to.

Future superstar? Or Future Train Wreck? I can't wait to find out.

Don't disappoint,
me

Let's Unleash the "Bod Squad" on All Your Haters, Amanda Lorber!

Dear Amanda, ***

Just caught up on Monday night's ep and I had a couple of ideas for some new post-it notes you could hang around your room:

• "Gianna is scheming jealous little hussie!"
• "Alex has z-e-r-o backbone!"
  
• "Trevor is the layout editor because he can't read!"
• "Adam is a wittle bitty cwy baby!"
  

Ok, perhaps my post-it notes are not quite as inspirational as yours are, but those loud-mouth, delusional staffers of yours deserve to be punched in the face--every last one of them (except, of course, for Cassia and your other friend--who rocks pretty freakin' hard for standing up for you at the editor's meeting).

Holy freakin' ridiculousness.

That anyone in that entire school is still under the hilariously insane impression that Giana, Alex or anyone else but you should have been editor, is beyond my comprehension. Giana!? An Editor-in-Chief!? That's coo coo for cocoa puffs.

I hate to say it, but I think its officially time to kick Alex to the curb. He's way too hung up on fitting in with the "cool" kids and he totally doesn't get that he's making a huge mistake by hitchin' himself to the wrong wagon. You two could rule the school, but he's far too busy giving Giana a bikini wax and teaching Trevor the alphabet to ever put that puzzle together.

So keep on keepin' on ALo. Because, I cannot w-a-i-t until you have some fab development deal with the network in a few years or some kickass job writing for Samantha Who or the Daily Show and Giana and her bitch brigade can sit around in their community college dorm rooms eating their bitchtastic hearts out all the live long day.

In Chief we trust,
me

Stop Copying Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers

Dear Jonas Brothers, (pls see Miley Cyrus rating),

I know almost absolutely nothing about you aside from the fact that you are teenagers...and brothers. I don't think I've ever heard one of your songs (on purpose, at least) and have zero clue what any of your first names are. And yet none of that stops me from being deeply annoyed by all three of you chumps.

Now it seems that we have a Jonas Brothers 3D concert film to contend with next year?....fantastic. I'm totally looking forward to having my local movie theater clogged up like a toilet with giggling gaggles of twittering teenage girls dreaming of having their v cards swiped by Jonas Brother 1, 2 or (if need be) 3.

Can you just get off the internet already?

Hell to the No,
m.

Miley Cyrus, I Think I Actually Like You Now

Dear Miley, (** ?? I'm stumped on this one),

Wow, slutty pix AND this dancin' machine youtube video? Maybe you're not so lame after all.

Why oh why doesn't anyone ever challenge meeee to a dance off!? So not fair.

Hos before bros,
me

Amanda Lorber, Will U Be My BFF? Pretty Please??

Dear Hollywood Powerhouses, **

I cannot sit idly by in silence any longer: Amanda Lorber needs her own TV show...like, pronto.

MTV's The Paper is one of my favorite new shows on TV and it rocks for one reason and one reason only...and that's Ms "In Chief" herself. Everyone else on Cypress Bay High School's The Circuit staff is whiny, annoying and doltish, but ALorbs--she's a total star.

If you don't believe me, check out this brilliant performance of hers in which she sings the merits of using facebook over myspace.

Maybe she can go work at Jezebel or the New York Observer for a summer internship and you can spin that into a reality show? Or how bout this!?: a teen version of Beauty and the Geek?

Truthfully, I don't care what you come up with...just come up with something ASAP. For realz.

Amanda is my constant,
meeee

**Want more Amanda Lorber-ness?? Me too!

Baby Showers and Little Girls!? Oh My, Jamie Lynn Spears!

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OMFG, I just read that you are having a little girl! Sugar and spice and everything nice (LOL).

This is s-u-c-h AHmazing news...are you just over the moon?? And perfect timing and all with your shower this weekend! Esp since Brit Brit will be there :)

It will be so fun to have a girl, doncha think? You can teach her all about acrylic nails, crimp each other's hair and share your Hannah Montana CD's. You guys can swap clothes (or boyfriends! ROFL! JK...I totally know that you and Casey are together 4 ever ;) and teach her all about responsibility. It will be great.

I'm not sure if you started thinking about names yet, but I thought of a few that I wanted to pass along:
Krystal Khristina
Amber Alexis
Katelyn Tiffany or
Jamie Lynn Casey (wouldn't that be sooo cute?! Uhm, TOTES!)

Anyway, have a really amazing baby shower (don't forget to brush your hair!). Can't wait to see the pics of Brit puking into the bar-b-que and Casey brandishing his gun!!!! (ha!)

kisses,
me

P.S. Have you guys started decorating yet at the new place? Pottery Barn is having a killer sale!