I Think Punching Michael Lohan In His Fucking Face MIGHT Actually Be Worth $5000

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy shitballs, you guyz!

For the totally reasonable price of $5 gee's, I could win an opp to punch Michael Lohan right in his fat motherfucking face.

Is it kind of crazy that I'm maybe, sorta considering it?

He's doing some ridick charity fundraiser on "lawng guy-land" called Fight For Charity, and for $5000 you can bid to fight him. Like really fight him.

But like also there is some kind of interview/height/weight requirements I would need to meet before we could actually go at it in the ring [sidenote: how fucking embarassing would it be to get rejected from a Michael Lohan throwdown b/c I had too much junk in my trunk. Yeah. Don't answer that].

Who am I kidding.

I mean, the dude is the world's worst father, but also Kevin Federline also already declined to participate...I'm not picking up KFed's sloppy seconds.

Even for an opp to punch LezLo's daddy.

Oh, also I'm a total fucking wimp.

So, forget it.

give peace a chance,
mi

Lindsay Lohan's Rack = Pure P-E-R-F-E-C-T-I-O-N

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm pretty sure Lindsay Lohan has the best tits I've ever seen, in like my whole entire fucking life.

Am I right???

Goddammit,
m.e.

Is The World Coming To An End Simply Becuz I'm Now Getting Political Advice From Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson? You Decide

Dear Everyone, ***

Well, its done.

I'm standing right in the middle of the fucking place that I never thought I'd be.

Yup.

I'm actually suggesting that you all hop on over to myspace to take a look at the wise words of LezLo and SamRo regarding the upcoming election, that insane in the membrane cand that McYou'vegottabefuckingkiddingme picked, and the future of our country as we know it.

And I'm kinda serious.

This makes me feel both giddy and nauseous.

Anyway.

Now, if you'll excuse me I've go to go watch my 401k disappear faster than Willow Palin's virginity.

one love,
m.e.

Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson: U R My Inspiration (Check My Myspace If U Don't Believe Me)

Dear Dad, ***

If you don't already have a myspace page, I suggest you get one tout de suite.

In case you haven't gotten the memo, kids these days have totally embraced technology. In fact, most are now using their myspace pages as their primary means of communication...like with their parents.

I mean, why call when you can just check my "current mood"?? Emailing's aight, but if I've got something to say to you, I may as well tell everyone.

I think this fucking rocks!

And I, for one, am implementing this policy immediately.

Until further notice, I will only be communicating with you via myspace "mood" status updates and Kanye West inspired all caps rants. That's how you'll know I'm talking to you.

Even if I don't say "HEY DAD," you'll know whenever you see anything like this:

BACK THE FUCK OFF, HOMEY...IT'S MY LIFE AND I'LL DO WHATEVER THE FRIG I WANT...

That I'm talking directly to you.

Also, sometimes I'll use songs to communicate what I'm feeling. Like maybe you'll just show up one day to my dub dub dub and I'll be playing a Pussycat Dolls song. Or maybe it will be a Tokio Hotel song. And, like, its gonna be up to you to figure out what that shit means...what sort of comment that is (or not?) on my life right now.

Sometimes it won't just be the song you'll need to analyze, it might be the lyrics. So, don't forget to dig a little deeper.

Basically, everything will be coded in meaning and its gonna be up to your ass to crack it if you have any desire whatsoever to understand who I am as a person.

Fun, right?

Hopefully things won't ever reach the point with us where I need to call you out like LiLo and SamRo did with Lindz's dad, but if you promise to never write a tell-all book about me, we should be totally good in the hood!

Ok, so just cause I don't want to leave you hangin, click here for a rad myspace tutorial that you can use to brush up on.

In the meantime, I'm out.

myspace or no space,
m.e.

Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Brangelina, And Espesh Ashley Simpson, Tune The Eff In: An Open Letter To All Celebrities

Dear all y'all, *

This latest Ashlee Simpson bullshit is a prime example of exactly why we hate most of you mother effers these days.

This bitch has been barefoot and pregnant for months now, and everybody and their brother knew it. Yet, deny, deny, deny. That guyliner wearing musician she's married to...what's his fucking name? Pete Wentz? A couple of weeks ago, he was all: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood." Right. How bout: no witch hunt dude...just your skinny ass wife mysteriously gettin fat.

Yeah, the paps are crazy and chase you and shit for pics, but that's why you get paid millions and millions and millions of dollars. This way when you crash your car after an evening of speed racer with Adnan Ghalib, you can easily hit up the ATM, take out 75k and be rollin' with your new S Class for your Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf run the following morn. And WTF is up with that need to hide from the photogs anyway?? Take ten minutes, pose for a freakin' photo and be on your way to yog-a-lates class, Homes.

And don't E-V-E-N front like you're not readin' all those fuckin tabs every week, just like the rest of us wannabees. I gah-ron-tee your asses that this is what 99% of your morning routines look like, down to a motherfuckin tee:

1. Wake up
2. Jack off
3. Watch Tivo'd eps of TMZ in bed
4. Down 2 wheatgrass shooters that your personal asst just picked up from the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson
5. Take a shit while reading Us Weekly, Star and OK! Magazine
   
6. Head over to your Black Macbook
7. Google yourself
8. Read Page Six
9. Read Perez Hilton
10. Read Defamer
    
11. Read Dlisted
12. Read Just Jared
13. Read Pink is the New Blog
    
14. Read Dear Famous Asshole (heh...ok, probs not but everyone deserves a dream, you asshat).

And by the way, which is it?? Do you want your privacy or not? Because if so, you best get that memo to Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears and your PR peeps, and your studio and everyone else who leaks shit about where you be every freakin minute of the day. See that's how more pictures with your ass in em get sold to more magazines. But, you'd never do that, would you, because you like it when you like it...and that's most of the god damned time.

Where there's smoke there's usually fire. I'm not sure who came up with that shit, but its tru.

Word on the street was that Ashelee was with child. Her stomach was poochy. She got engaged and married within a month. We alll did the mother fuckin math. And now she and King Kohl make their announcement just like it ain't no thang.

Listen up celebs, and listen hard. Your deal with the devil has been made...your privacy is gone. That shit is dead and buried. If you're a bazillionaire like Oprah or Brange or any number of you other fools, than you made a pretty good fuckin' deal. So pleez, shut your face, smile for the camera, admit shit when its true, and just freakin' deal with it. You're pwned now.

Sheesh.

me

Gay Is The Way To Go, Lindsay Lohan...Be Gay All The Way!

photo: New York Magazine

Dear Lindsay, (*for now??)

Man, I hope to Christ you are gay...I really do. I know this isn't fair b/c I only know your ass from Us Weekly, and your annoying as shit mom, and you're koo koo for cocoa puffs dad, and lame-ass stunts you've pulled like begging for corporate sponsors for your bday party and shit, but this...you being gay...is like the first thing that's come out about you in a really, really long tme that makes me not hardcore hate your guts. And like, if it is true, then maybe that's what's been going on with you all these years [or should I say still going on?].

I swear, if you actually DO marry Samantha Ronson, I'm totally willing to forget it a -l-l. We can start over from scratch and have a fresh start. I mean, I'll still hold onto the good memories, of course, like Mean Girls and your Aaron Carter feud with Hillary Duff. But just like Miranda & Steve on the Brooklyn Bridge, I'll really let the past be the past with us. Pinky swear.

Go gay, girl--I would! (plus it would soo get you booked on Ellen!)

Loving the "L" word,
me