9021-OH Crap

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I tried. I really, really, tried.

Despite my doom and gloom predictions, I wanted this show to rock. For really reals.

But after my initial surge of excitement during Ethan's opening scene BJ, it was pretty much all down hill from there.

The whole thing was pretty blah, right?

Here's why:

*ALL these bitches need some motherfucking acting lessons. This is not High School Fucking Musical. Stop mugging and projecting so much, bitches. You're all at a 9 and we need you at about a 6.5. No one's gonna be in any freakin Disney parades, so start acting like bitter, whiny teenagers for Christ's sake.

*I'm ready to send some tapes from last season's Nip / Tuck to the producers so that they can fully understand what a real villain like Naomi should be acting like. She was fucking her lesbian mother's lover's ex husband, snorting cocaine and dealing with an eating disorder 7 minutes into her first ep on FX. She needs to srsly bitch up her bitch factor here pronto.

*Not enough old schoolers! The Kellie/Brenda shit was like the only major bright spot in that two hour crap sandwich. I did appreciate the Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez shout out, but you people need to get ALL the originals back up in dat shit right now if you want to save this drowning kittten.

*All around lameness. Sorry, not to be a mother chucker or anything, but the world is a different place now: i.e. we've got Gossip Girl (you loser writers ever see that one???). Here's the take away: u guys need to majorly step up your game if you want to hang.

So here's my advice: Sex, drugs-n-rock-n-roll...like A LOT. Put it in e-v-e-r-y episode, all over the fucking place. EVERYWHERE. It's your only hope for survival.

Kelly Kapowski for Vice President!
m.e.

Top 10 Reasons The CW's New 90210 Is Gonna Seriously Suck

Dear Everyone, ***

Though I hope I'm dead wrong, my instincts and all the mounting evidence are both pointing to the fact that the new 90210 on the CW network is probs gonna suck chocolate salty balls.

This new preview just surfaced, and thanks to the 3 seconds of onscreen time for Brenda and Kells, everyone is dropping a load all over the Peach Pit bathroom stalls in anticipation. I, however, am not pulling out my latest issue of Playgirl just yet.

I think this show is totally fucked.

And here are the top 10 reasons why:

10. Brian Austin Green - (aka David) thinks this show could definitely suck, and he's been a washed up actor pretty much since he popped Donna Martin's cherry back in the day (so expectations should = way low). Since the CW network just announced that they're not sending out any screeners of the show ahead of time, it sounds like Bri guy is probably right.

9. The Peach Pit 2.0 - is allegedly new and improved--I'm very suspicious. I mean, I'm glad Nat is back-n-all, but why you gotta change that shit up? This could have been THE bridge from the old 90210 to the new 90210 2.0--who doesn't love a diner? Old fans would have loved the nostalgia and new fans would have loved the vintage feel. Now we've got some Kokomo Cafe shit that supposed to be the new Peach Pit. I think it looks like a freakin' Chipotle.

8. Gossip Girl - Hello...best show on TV. PERIOD.

7. Rob Thomas - the genius director/producer/writer from Veronica Mars, wrote the original pilot for 90210 2.0...and was thought by many to be the key to the project's success. Well, the bitch jumped ship and hasn't looked back since. Of course, his script has now been totally rewritten (for the way worse, I'm sure) and now they've got writers from the show What About Brian on the case. Anyone out there watch What About Brian? ANYONE? Right.

6. "If you wanna live in the zip, you gotta live by the code" - OMFG, this is one of the most infuriating slash ridiculous taglines that has ever come across my flatscreen. And this shit is irrefutable evidence that the producers of the show are miles away from being in touch with what this audience is going to want. Srsly. Say that tagline out loud to someone with a straight face. I double dawg dare you.

5. Scandalicious? No way - Ok, so true Shannen Dougherty was a celeb scandal OG back in the day, but her brand of crazy like barely registers on the pop culture radar these days. Jail time? Girl fights? Run ins with the Paparazzi? Snore. The West Beverly crew is in the news now, sure, but its mostly fluff: i.e. is original cast member X in or are they out? I haven't heard boo about any of the new W. Bev kids and quite frankly, one of those bitches needs to seriously get busy stirring shit up. We need an overdose/hot celebrity pairing/or sex tape pronto if you crazy kids have any hope of holdin' on to my attention past your two hour premiere.

4. Casting Dramz - Here's what the main directive should have been for the casting folks: hire every single original fucking castmember (even if its just for a cameo), or else you're fired. Instead we've got Tori Spelling pissed about salary, Luke Perry turning down an offer to keep his bit roles on Law & Order SVU, and no sign of Andrea Zuckerman (Gabrielle Carteris) OR Tiffani Amber Thiessan anywhere. Meanwhile, Brian Austin Green thinks he's getting cast as the next Riddler and Jason Priestly thinks he's the next Martin Scorsese. WTF?? It's def nice to have Kelly and Brenda back on the scene, but they're gonna need all the goddammed help they can get.

3. Los Angeles vs. New York - Check your TV skeds, bitches: in the NY vs. LA battle, NYC is clearly coming out on top (Gossip Girl, Lipstick Jungle, Ugly Betty, How I Met Your Mother, Everybody Hates Chris, Heroes, 30 Rock, Law & Order x 17, Rescue Me, Dirty, Sexy, Money, etc). Swimming pools and movie stars were so 5 years ago. Marisa's dead, Seth and Summer broke up for realz, and LC and her posse are providing quite enough LA eye candy to go around, thank you very much. It's now ALL about the city that never sleeps. Nobody's cared about Beverly Hills since Will Smith crashed some classmate's house party on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and the dude got grounded.

2. Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie - Paris and little miss 'Ballerina Girl' systematically ruined the reps of spoiled rich kids everywhere...espesh the Beverly Hills brats.

Take a close look at Brandon and Steve in the original promo for 90210...they were simulating punching each other in the face. They didn't do it...but you could tell that they would if they had to:


Now take a look at the new 90210 promos...lame dude #1 and bitchtard dude #2 are playing fucking patty cake:


Spoiled rich kids are complete pussies. Nobody's got game anymore and you can pretty much blame the whole thing on fucking Tinkerbell.

1. Version 1.0 = always best - nothing...and I repeat n-o-t-h-i-n-g is ever as good as the original. Case in point: new Coke, Real World Season One, Planet of the Apes, Madonna's American Pie, the iphone, Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston and Pam & Tommy Lee's sex tape.

Now, duh, I've still got my tivo set. And I promise you bitches that if I'm wrong, I'll eat my words for breakfast, lunch and dinner all season long. But my gut is telling me that this shit is gonna be the Fall TV season's version of Valkyrie.

Let the games begin.

go big, or go home
me

If You Wanna Live In the Zip, You've Gotta Live By the Code, 90210

Dear Everybody, ***

You have got to be fucking kidding me with this piece of shit 90210 promo. Have you seen it?? A little piece of me is dying down deep inside because I have to say this, but this show looks like a big, heaping crap sandwich.

Let's analyze:

• The original theme music (BOMP BOMP) def gets the old juices flowing, but a scant two seconds in and we've got our first sign of trouble: Brandon 2.0 and Dylan 2.0's lame ass hand shake slap combo. This is bad. Original Brandon did a faux punch--which managed to make him seem both masculine and good natured. These two look look like two whiny, nine-year old girls at summer camp.

• Next we move on to the show's obvious villain--the bad girl daughter of Portia de Rossi from Nip/Tuck who liked to have cocaine snorted off her belly before she performed kinky sexual acts on men old enough to be her father--like her gay mother's lover's ex-husband. Ok, this chick could m-a-y-b-e, possibly be interesting.

• This is West Beverly High's newest young gun douche teacher. OMG! I wonder how many eps it will be till this chump is fucking the head cheerleader?

• Some dude has his shirt half tucked in and half out and is wearing a skinny tie. I kid you not!

The rest of the promo is crap, crap and more crap starring the new 90210 cast (cool moms, cool grandmas and cool teachers, oh my!).

As if this promo wasn't lame enough, they've managed to come up the single most colosally ridiculously tagline I've ever heard:

“If you wanna live in the Zip, you gotta live by the code.”

I think my ears are bleeding and...yep, I definitely just choked on my own vomit. This is seriously the best you network suits can do? I mean, have you ever even seen Gossip Girl??

Anyway, I hope you make me eat my words CW...I really do. You've got your work cut out for you, but I'm not giving up on you yet.

Bitches for Brenda,
me.