Jump A Jonas! A Jonas Brother WILL Get Fucked (If I Have Anything To Do With It)

Dear Everyone, ***

I present to you all: A call to Arms.

For serious.

I insist that every pair of eyeballs currently reading this shit, stand up and for once in your life, take some action! Do something! Contribute!

There is a radio station in Grand Rapids, Michigan that is offering $10,000 smackers to any man, woman or child that can prove penetration with either Kevin or Joe Jonas (for those of you with a hard on for curly top Nick Jonas...sorry. The dude is only 16, and that's what we like to call i-l-l-e-g-a-l round these parts).

It's the "Jump A Jonas" contest!

Fun!

Now, in order to collect your prize, you'll need to provide two pieces of proof, one of which needs to be a non-doctored video. I would suggest a Flip video camera, if you don't already own one. They're cheap, and super easy to hide in any standard pair of assless chaps or Dominatrix boots.

Now the other hitch is that you'll need to swipe the JoBro v-card with their consent. This point is key, as I guess the radio station doesn't want to be held responsible for a tween hearthrob rape (obvs).

I don't know about you, but I happen to think this contest is totally fucking awesome. In fact, I want to up this shit.

So here's the deal: If 104.5 WSNX actually does find some chump or chumpess who cops to getting a legit piece of JoBro ass, GET IN TOUCH WITH ME! If you can provide me with a pic of you doing something lewd and crude with a JoBro purity ring (JoBro needs to be in the pic too, people!), I'm willing to throw in an extra $500.

Word.

In case any of you bitches live in San Diego, I see that there is a Jonas Brothers concert coming up there on November 15th. You people are particularly well positioned to step up to the plate on this one.

For all you haters, you can go join the 18 other proJoBro l00zers in the STOP THE JUMP A JONAS CONTEST group on facebook. Or better yet, pony up your own hard earned cash in a counter contest: $25k to anyone who can prove they had an opp to fuck a JoBro and, instead, chose to stay chaste, for example. I don't know, figure it out for yourselves...I can't think of everything.

praise Jesus,
m.e.

ClayMates R People 2

Dear Claymates, **

I know that the news of your beloved chanteur's proclivity for peen likely has many of you in quite a kerfuffle.

In fact, according to reports, you're all going fucking ballistic...but WHO CAN BLAME YOU??

You have been viciously and egriously lied to and, for what its worth, there really is no acceptable excuse for your horrible mistreatment.

Based on the comments in the fan forums, it seems that most of you are feeling:

• lost
• alone
• hurt
• confused
• abandoned
• mislead
• turned on
• distraught
• angry
• hott-n-bothered
• sad
• mad

My heart truly goes out to each and every one of you as struggle through this difficult time and attempt to find your peace with it all.

When something like this happens, its hard not to take stock and begin to examine those "bigger picture" life issues such as: who am I? What is my purpose in life? What will my legacy be?

Sometimes, when gut wrenching, earth shattering events like this take place, we realize that these are just the sorts of things we need to happen in order to give ourselves a quiet reminder that we're all in this crazy thing called life together, ya know?

It's almost as if gawd almighty is reaching down his powerful, Jesus loving hand as if to say: "hey buddy...I know this is hard, but it will all be ok, mkay?"

You see, I too have been the victim of a carefully orchestrated and truly horrendous misuse of my own trust and unwavering dedication. I have been lied to, purposely mislead and ultimately betrayed...by the one person in the world I least expected to treat me like this.

I'm speaking, obvies, of Britney Jean Federline Spears.

You see, I BELIEVED Britney when she told us all that she was a virgin way back when. I supported her as she committed to a faith-based relationship with Justin Timberlake and even DEFENDED her when her purity was called into question and she swore up and down that her hymen was most definitely in tact.

I believed her and I believed IN her...that's like a really, really big deal (as you all know!).

Now, of course, hindsight is 20/20 and now we all know the disgusting, sordid truth: in between her "I swear, I'm a virgin, ya'll!" assurances, she was getting fucked up the ass by Justin while twin dwarfs stood by watching, snorting cocaine and pleasuring each other. Or something like that.

Anyway.

The details are not important, but the resulting personal fallout is: I. Was. Betrayed.

And I've literally been to hell and back since trying to make heads or tails of it all.

So, I know EXACTLY what you're all going through now that Clay Aiken has revealed his despicable, deplorable, hateful lie.

And I know it hurts...like a bitch.

But we all need to get really real now:

Clay is gay.

Wow.

Clay's gay.

Clay sucks cock.

Hunh.

It almost seems weird typing out those words on my keyboard. Like, how could this even be true? What sort of crazy mixed up world could we all be living in where something like this would even be allowed to happen!?

Well my little mates of Clay, speaking from personal experience, I know better than anyone that the only way to truly find your way out of something as hideous and vomit-inducing as this is to move on and to move on quickly. I mean, Clay's a homosexual, so obvs you can't like him anymore. [Gays deserve the same treatment as Jews, Blacks, Mexicans, and the liberal media...sorry, game over (LOL!)].

But then you're forced to deal with a bigger and more challenging issue: what do you do with all of the love, dedication and devotion that you previously had in your heart for Clay? Because that love, dedication and devotion needs to go somewhere people, and I for one won't stand by and watch as its whisked away down a river of homosexual debauchery and salaciousness.

But, don't worry!

I'm so on the case!

In fact, I've looked at this problem from every conceivable angle! I've analyzed the details, considered every possibility and mathematically modeled every potential outcome. And, luckily for each of you, I have the p-e-r-f-e-c-t solution:

The Jonas Brothers.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you're totally welcome!!!
m.e.

Jordin Sparks, The Jonas Brothers or Bristol Palin...Whose Purity Ring Is The Coolest??

Dear Jordin, **

Many thanks for your lecture on teen purity and abstinence during Sunday night's VMA awards.

I wasn't aware that "purity rings" were as cool as tats or Aderall these days, but I'm old and married, so what the fuck do I know. If the JoBros are wearing em, I guess they're pretty fucking popular.

It was sorta rad that you were standing up for yourself and shouting the "not everybody wants to be a slut" message from the rooftops...except that, mostly everyone does.

Case in point: Britney Spears mamz has a book coming out in a couple of weeks that, among other things details the following:

While Brit Brit was prancing around town wearing her chastity belt back in the day and singing the praises of virginity, she was also busy fucking the captain of the HS football team as he snorted coke off her abdomen in the back of her private jet. Or some shit like that...you get the picture.

Oh, and also...I'm guessing that abstinence and purity rings are totes the birth control method of choice for VPilf Sarah Palin-n-her brood. She and her God-lovin community probs worked so hard to instill the principles of a chaste lifestyle in her daughter Bristol, and like obvies that worked like a fucking charm.

You're a totally cute girl, Jordin and also a great singer, so I will not for one hot minute participate in any discussion of how wide your ass is, however, I'm also feeling like you should just shut the eff up about this whole purity ring thing.

Here's why: purity rings are fucking retarded.

I def don't want to know what's going on in the lives of most teens b/c I probably couldn't handle it, but my guess is that 98% of them could name at least 5 kama sutra poses more easily than they could 5 U.S. Presidents. We can dance around that shit all day and night if you'd like (to a fucking Jonas Bros album even), but its not gonna change the facts. I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying it is what it is.

Now, I was NOT a two bit whore myself at the age of 15....BUT, I also didn't need to wear a fucking purity ring in order to advertise this fact to the world at large. Why is that anyone's business? WTF does a purity ring even mean?? And sidenote: why does every fucking aspect of what we say and do in our society need an accompanying material expression? Does every goddammed thing we say need a friggin exclamation point??!!

AND.

I'll tell you something else: If I WAS a two bit whore at the age of 15, you can bet your ass I'd throw one of those suckers on my finger tout de suite just to get my parents off my own slut scent. In fact, I would even venture to guess that all those mofos wearing purity rings at this very minute are at least twice as slutty as all the bitches who don't wear them. These are probably the nastiest, skankiest, freakiest of all the High School whores.

Oh, snap!

Hence, the utter ridiculousness of all of this purity ring bullshit.

Anyway.

Purity rings are just about the stupidest fucking invention I've ever heard of. And If I ever see anyone wearing one (JoBro or no), I might not be able to stop myself from punching the offending idiot directly in the face on principle alone.

I really don't give a shit if you're a slut or not...that's your issue But if you think you're going to convey the fact that you are chaste to me with a fucking purity ring instead of your own actions...and your own words...and your own outfits...than you're way stupider than all of Sanjaya's hairdos.

Girls just wanna have fun,
m.e.

p.s. Russell Brand was a complete disaster, but this purity ring crap had nothing to do with it.