Back Off Bias...Michael Cera Is My Boyfriend

Dear Michael Cera, ***

Ok, so yes, I do write a blog called Dear Famous Asshole.

And yes, perhaps I can (at times) be not so nice to fame ass people on this blog who may not necessarily deserve it.

So, I guess I have no right whatsoever to get pissed over the fact that people are now launching a Michael Cera backlash.

But still.

WTF, my bbs?

Fuck it.

I'm fucking pissed anyway.

I mean, frankly, you're so goddammed cute its retarded.

Also I saw Nick and Norah's Infiinite Playlist this weekend, and despite early whining from the critics, it was totally j'adorable (anyone who saw it and didn't think it was 100% j'adore to the max is either: so tragically hip I don't care what they have to say; an emotional zombie; a frat boy meathead who got dragged to the movie by some chick and shouldn't have been there in the first place).

And so now everyone is talking about the fact that you are a one trick pony and you keep playing the same character and yadda, yadda, yadda. And I don't disagree that it would be rad to see you branch out a bit and try some other types of roles. BUT, and this is a big but, I also sort of feel like so the fuck what!?

I mean, who are we really kidding here?? Aren't most actors making bazillions of dollars playing variations of the same roles in most of the movies they do? Angelina Jolie is usually the tough, kick ass bitch, George Clooney is usually the suave but lonely hero, Penelope Cruz is usually the fiery, misunderstood vamp. I mean, yeah...of course there are exceptions of actors breaking out and trying new things, but I think most people end up doing similar roles because:

a. that's what they're good at
b. that's what fans want to see them in

So basically, I think that everyone really needs to STFU about you.

You are so not over.

You are a motherfucking rockstar...and everyone who doesn't think so can eat it.

you know you want,
mi

p.s. I just read that you are starring in the film version of one of my favorite books on the planet: Youth In Revolt by C.D. Payne. You are soooo my boyfriend it's not even funny.

I Will Bet You $1.2 Trillion Dollars That Sarah Silverman & Jimmy Kimmel Are in Lurv Again

Dear Everyone, ***

During a day of horrendous fucking news to rival all horrendous fucking news...while I sit here and literally watch the remotest possibilities of my ass being able to retire before I'm in my seventies get flushed down the toilet like a dirty tampon...as my dog sits staring at me unsure if his designer, organic food is going to actually hit the bowl tonight after all (it did, duh), there was one little sliver of sunshiney deliciousness that made this day a touch less suicidal: Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are maybe back together.

I have no clue why I have somehow decided to pin the success of our nation on the positive or negative status of this relationship, but whatever.

I have.

And, so I have come to the following conclusion: If Sarah and Jimmy are legitimately back together, then everything will work itself out with the economy, the election, et al and we'll all be ok.

If they're not and this is somehow a huge misunderstanding, we're all fucked up the ass by a Haitian AIDS monkey.

No, this isn't exactly scientific, but also I'm probably right.

Sarah-n-Jimmy 2Getha 4eva (say it with me now).

L'shana Tova, bitches,
me

Josh Peck: I Wanna Look at Ur "Dopeness" Allll Niiight Looong

Dear Josh Peck, ***

So, I'm in my thirties...and married.

And like I am fully aware that I have absolutely no fucking business developing an insane crush on a 21-year-old Nickelodeon tween heartthrob.

But....uhm.

Holy. Freakin. Hotness.

I mean, after seeing The Wackness (and that freakin shower scene! Gah!) I was already primed to hang posters off your ass all over my motherfucking bedroom.

And because I'm kinda falling madly in love you with you, I decided I needed to go go gadget google, and learn as much about you as I possibly could.

So I found this youtube video of your appearance on Jimmy Kimmel after The Wackness premiered. And now I'm just fucking w-r-e-c-k-e-d.

Like done.

Like, I want to do things to you that are illegal in 49 states. Very, very bad things.

(must. take. cold. cougar. shower).

I mean: you're gorgeous...and funny...and adorable...and I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT.

I kinda "wanna be your official girl."

Like, a lot.

Also, I'm now SERIOUSLY pissed at Olivia Thirlby's character in the movie for not immediately and hopelessly falling in love with you...like I have [HARD].

"I look at the dopeness, and you...you just look at the wackness," I mean, hello!?

Swoon much??

Le sigh.

I'm pretty much ready to break me off a piece of ur brand of cougar drumstick anywhere, anytime, Joshycakes.

Try,
me
(please?)

Dimitri The Lover: I'd Like To Do Things To You That Olga's Probably Never Even HEARD of

Dear Dimitri, *

I know you've probably been getting a lot of slack over the past couple of days over these silly voicemails, but I really hope you've managed to keep your chin up through all this nonsense. I've been reading up a bit on you, and like wow...I didn't even know you were a doctor, Mr. fancypants....with your own website, and dating group, and movie, and everything!

So, uhm, anyway, I'm not usually so forward, but after finally tracking down your phone number, I actually left you a voicemail message on Friday...well, two to be precise.

Just in case you missed it, here it is again (click on the blue arrow)
boomp3.com

Now, I didn't hear back from you and as I said on my last message, that really was supposed to be the end of it.

BUT, I've had a couple of days to think everything over and...I don't know...its just been kinda tough to get you out my head. So, if you are still open to it, I'm willing to give you one more shot. I'm feeling generous, so what the hell.

This post is going up at 12:01AM on Monday, June 30, 2008. Assuming that you might be sleeping already...or working on your script, I'm going to give you until 9AM on Monday morning to return my call. If, however, you cannot get back to me by then, Dimitri, then this is really it. We're dunzo...like 4 eva.

So, if you think you have the courage to stand up and take a real shot at true love for us both, then give me a call back. Otherwise, don't you ever, ever, even dare to ever, think of getting in touch with me again. E-V-E-R.

waiting,
me

The Paper's Amanda Lorber Might Be Canoodling With Her TLF At This Very Moment

Dear Amanda,

Was just catching up on Facebook and, lo and behold, I noticed the above update to your profile.

[Baum chicka baum baum]

Get outta here witch your bad self--you go, girl.

I hope you are wildly happy...and exchanging friendship bracelets-n-shit.

Remember, "love means never having to say you're sorry."

Kisses from the Big Apple,
me

Amanda Lorber, Please Don't Leave Me Now: The Season Finale of The Paper

Dear Amanda, ***

First of all, :(

How in the hell can the whole season be over already!

Second of all: OMG, this whole Alex thing t-o-t-a-l-l-y makes sense now! He was being such an asshole to you over the past few weeks because he's secretly been in love with Michael Jan the whole time! How can he not be? He's Jan-tastic! Jan-i-licious! Jan-jiggity!

I mean, I get where Alex is coming from--I really do. I want to lick the sweat off of Michael Jan's glistening bod myself after watching him in the shirtless "sprint off" with Adam. And we're not the only ones: Giana spent the entirety of her eleven month anniversary lunch with Trevor at the Melting Pot singing the Jan Man's praises. He plays tennis, he's a genius, he's still got a life!

MICHAEL JAN, MICHAEL JAN, MICHAEL JAN!

Check out her defensive eye roll when Trev called her out about her not so secret crush.

Anyway, I'm glad we've finally gotten to the bottom of what's been undermining you with the "back row" crew this whole time--an over-the-top, obsessive infatuation with MJ.

Oh yeah, and also the fact that Alex is a delusional, self-important douche who has literally zero clue how to generate any of his own opinions. He is STILL so hung up on the fact that he was not chosen for the editor-in-chief position, he seems to be in the midst of some sort of psychotic break with reality wherein he thinks he's the motherfucking glue holding the entirety of The Circuit newspaper together.

This makes no sense...like, none.

Ok, so he showed up to the ropes course bonding exercise and you didn't. BFD. You had to finish your NYU application for God's sake! (congrats, by the way, miss thang :) I think you aptly realized that it was a case of too little too late by that stage of the game, and you needed to be looking out for A number one. But I think it was this absence of yours, coupled will your brill bitch slap out in the hall after he tried to make you look like a fool in front of your staffers, that ultimately planted the inane idea in his head that he needed to work things out with you once and for all with one last talk.

Expectedly, Alex acted like a two-year-old and you exhibited your usual way-beyond-your years brand of cool at this tete-a-tete, making him look all the more pathetic and sad. Here were some of my favorite Alex quotes from your final showdown convo:

1. "I've tried to remain netural this whole time"
2. "I've been picking up the slack and doing all of your work."
3. "People think that I've performed well and you haven't"

Alex, dude, what are you smoking?!

Not only has he continuously not remained neutral, he has sabotaged and undermined you at every available turn. I highly doubt he's had to pick up one iota of slack on your behalf and as for people thinking that "he's performed well" I'm quite certain that's data he culled from....yep, you guessed it...the back row bitch squad--i.e. all the chumps who mistakenly thought they should be holding the journalistic reigns instead of you. Unless, of course, by "performed well" he was making some sort of sick reference back to his Michael Jan man crush/obsession, but I will not drag you down into the gutter with me to ponder that possibility.

So, Ms. Amanda Lorber, as your lovely little show comes to an end tonight, I can say with the utmost sincerity and not a drop of snark in my keyboard stroking, you have managed to completely renew my faith in the teen establishment, reality television, journalistic pursuits and MTV all at the same time. Not to get all sentimental and "will you sign my yearbook" on you, but I'm totally going to miss you. Miss you in like a genuinely real sort of way that I've definitely never felt before toward any other reality star (cue music--we totally just had a moment here together, didn't we?). Anyway, ALo, you are a smart, spunky goin' places chick with about as good a head on your shoulders as one could ever hope for at your age (Christ, who are we kidding here--at my age!). I've said it before and I'll say it again: You rock, and you rock hard. Please try not to forget this...it will be hard at times, but you need to try (maybe write out a few post-it notes??).

Before we say our goodbyes (hopefully not forevs!), can you PLEASE tell me what this girl's name is?! She is fucking hysterical and smart and gutsy and its been bugging me for weeks that I don't know what to call her. If she is not a senior, I hope she gets the editor-in-chief gig next year (are you out there Mrs. Weiss?)

Anyway AL, thanks for the memories...I'll treasure them 4-eva. You've got some mighty big shoes to fill fer sure.

LYLAS.

Youtube, Facebook, Myspace, Text,
Me
(for realz)

P.S. Trevor got a perfect math score on his SAT's?! Holy Christ, that was the shocker of the season (I guess I owe you an apology, Trev).

You've Finally Jumped On the "Dirty Boy Freakshow" Dating Train, Huh Natalie Portman?

Dear Nat,***
Of course it was too good to be true. Never been to rehab, always wear your panties, Harvard education, blah, blah, blah. Well, I guess its time for the good girl to officially burn her Mensa card. Helllooo, Devendra Banhart!

The pic above is a teeny tiny taste of of the galactic online freakshow of material on this dude (do a google image search if you don't believe me). He's also described on his own record label's site as a former "homeless, wandering, neo psych/folk hippie artist", so....yeah--there's that.

"But he's a muz-ish-annnn. And he's soooo deep"[I imagine you pleading with your shell-shocked mother after your first Friday night Shabbat dinner with the fam].

Save it.

Seriously.

True I've never listened to any of Dev's music, but trust me, I know I won't like it on principle alone.

Anyway, I guess as your first legit foray into the realm of the naughty girl, this is a pretty decent love connection to make. If you want to keep the PR heat on HI, I would probably suggest a sex tape release in three weeks or so.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Ms. Hershlag. I'm just sayin.'

Love you like a sis,
m'he