Thursday, July 31, 2008

SYTYCD Week 8: Cat Looks HOtty Hott Hot, Even With a Motherfuckin Grill!

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so I'm lazy, and you guys are bored, and Adam Shankman is probs still crying, so we're gonna try something new tonight: SYTYCD in five words or less.

Rather than my full-on long winded play by play analysis, I'm going to give you the first five words that come to mind after watching each dance. It will kinda be like a trip to you shrink's office, except we won't be accomplishing anything and there will be way more cursing.

[sidenote: Mary was off the chain tonight with the rape screams, right?? She looked gorge, tho]

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Mark

Dance #1
Jason Gilkison
Viennese Waltz
Twinkle twinkle little Mark; hottness

Dance #2
Choreographer: Sonya Tayeh
Crazy, sexy, cool, funky weirdness.

Joshua & Katee
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tyce DiOrio



Dance #2
Jason Gilkison
Paso Doble
Final two fer sure, fight!

Chelsie & Twitch
Dance #1
Tony Meredith & Melanie

Shake those ruffles everywhere, bitch!

Dance #2
Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop

Kinda cool, kinda weird. Hmm.

All the solos were pretty rockin, but once again, Twitch = mybitch.

K, so here are my bottom two bebes:

(eventhough I think she seriously rocked it)

And bottom two baby daddy's:
(eventhough he RULEZ my motherfuckin world)

And goin home?: Courtney& Twitch (le sigh).

If Heidi Montag can fucking vote, so can you people.

Do. It,

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Thanks For Reminding My Husband What NOT To Do, Balthazar Getty (Lesson #1: Affairs)

image: popsugar
Dear My Husband, ***


So, like of course I hope that you love me forever (duh).

But also I hope that when you look at hott girls on the street, you're semi-quickly (I mean, after you've enjoyed yourself for 10 seconds or so) snapped out of ur fantasy with the recollection that, "oh riiight!," you're happily married. It would even be pretty cool if when you're getting a lap dance (only at bachelor parties in AC, right?) even if its just for a second, you imagine my head on that little ho ho's bod. Or does that just ruin everything?


I'm guessin that because you rock and because I rock and because we both are such a rockin' couple, we'll never have to deal with the nastiness or unpleasantness of an actual real life affair. Because like before you'd ever want to have an affair, you'd tell me you want to have an affair (right?), and then we'd talk about it and hopefully you wouldn't have one.

Here's the thing though, if u DO ever find that for some crazy reason you are having an affair (DON'T HAVE ONE THOUGH, K? FOR REALZY), can you at least please have the motherfuckin' decency to not pull a Balthazar Getty on my ass? (but like, again, do NOT have an affair).

Because, I'm pretty freakin positive that your simple, garden variety everyday average affair would be enough to wreck me...but throw in a pic with your hands on some other hot, way skinnier than I am, girl's tits, and I'm headed straight for the motherfuckin snake pit.

Here's a pretty good rule of thumb to stick with I think: Your hands + another girl's tits + flash photography = n'uh uh.

Uhm...yeah. So that's pretty much it. Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page with that one.

Also, can you pick up the dry cleaning??


love to love you,

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Britney Spears to Sean Preston: 'You Gotta Light, Son??'

Dear Sean Preston, *?

Good for you!

Ok, so you're only two, but so the fuck what?

It doesn't mean that your ass gets a pass on thinking ahead about the sort of shit that's gonna really make you tru cuil kids material.

And as we all know, smoking = cool.

You'll soon come to discover that being popular is like a really intense game of Jenga, but like way harder. And let's not beat around the bush here: with the Brangelina brood on the scene, Lourdes inching her way into hott territory, and Will Smith's kids already looking like they're ready to throw the fuck down with anyone who crosses their path, you don't exactly have a straight shot to the VIP list at Les Deux right now.

So, right on dude (!)...way to keep your eyes on the prize. Obvs, its best to get this party started as early as possible, and you like t-o-t-a-l-l-y get that shit.

The Marlboro Lights were def a great start, but luckily for you your mamz can hook you up with all sorts of other shit that literally screams cool:

*Ciggies (obvies)
*Weed scrips
*Mike's Hard Lemonade
*Brazillian Diet Pills (for your future pussy possee)
*Horse Tranqs
*Coke (sniff sniff, not slurp slurp)
*Jonas Brothers tix

So, in summary: your enthusiasm rocks, SP. I'd say your future looks pretty fuckin' bright.

Let's plan to go over rehab, tatoos, DUI's, sex tapes, Kaballah and/or Scientology in our next lesson (like when ur three).

too cool for school,

Monday, July 28, 2008

Two Millies...Are You Out of Your Fucking Mind, Ashley Alexandra Dupre??

Dear Ashley Alexandra, *?

OK, so lemme get this straight: after you ho bagged the crap out of the former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's marriage, showed up as an underage hussie in a Girls Gone Wild video, and posted a myspace song that can easily rival the shiteousnes of Ali Lohan's new track, (i'm talking to you "What We Want"), you turned down the first legit offer you rec'd post hooker-gate 2008; a Tila Tequila type reality dating show that would allow you to truly jam out with your clam out.


Obvs that was way beneath you.

But now this shit is just gettin' plain ole stupid. i.e. we gotta read about how your ass is "considering" a $2 million offer from a big time Hollywood producer to do anuther reality show, a book, a DVD, and any/every other piece of scandal-tainment they can think of to milk the christ out of Spitzer-palooza until its good to the last drop?

Like you're not "accepting," "dancing on top of," or "praising holy jesus for" this 2 million dollar're just kinda thinking about it.

I'm quite certain that I speak for everyone on the motherfuckin planet, Ashley, when I say: WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU CONSIDERING?? FOR REALS.

Your fifteen minutes of fame is disappearing faster than Amy Winehouse's life line...espesh with all this John Edwards shit breaking wide open all across the internets.

So, put on your listening hat Ash and get out your notebook and a pen: Take. The. Freakin. Money.

I mean, do we seriously even need to be having this discussion???

Oh yeah..I guess we do since you seem to be pretty hell bent on keeping "professional hooking" under your "likes" section of your facebook page.

Step away from the peen, and scoop up the green, Ash.

Mad truth.

Tick tock,

Friday, July 25, 2008

SYTYCD Week 7 Eliminations: Comfort (YES!) AND WILL (NOOOOO!) Are Duzzo for Realzy

Dear Comfort (**) & Will, (***)

Goddammit, talk about "Bleeding Love."

This is it dawgs. Like, this is my real life intro to the duality of life: i.e we have to take the good with the bad, etc and all that kinda bullshit.

Comfort: Honestly, I don't really have much left to say to you. You are a rad lil' hip hop shorty, but like also you really should have been gone weeks ago. Your litle shoulder touch thing never caught on with me, and I wish I had a tear or two here to shed, but I got nothing.

Will: Though tap class at Miss Mindy's School of Dance did provide me with a broad introduction to the technical aspects of the art, I have never been schooled further in dance enough to know what's really what. However, watching you has honestly been such a treat and a joy. You have such an amazing gift and I have loved almost every second of every one of your jams (minus the Comfort ones). I don't know why American didn't love you as much as my ass did, except for the fact that most of America is dumb.

At least you've got Debbie Allen's bosum to "comfort" your bad ass self on.

Goodnight sweet prince (you too, I guess Comf),

Thursday, July 24, 2008

SYTYCD Week 7: We All Got Punk'd In Our Shish Kebabs!

Dear Everyone, ***

Goddammit, two more weeks--tha's it?? How did this shit all go down so fast? I got way too much summer left for SYTYCD to already be over, but no bitch ass tears allowed before the motherfuckin' sun comes up.

"Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind."

NOTE to Toni Basil: "I really enjoyed it" is not exactly considered helpful criticism. You seem like a perfectly lovely lady and like obvs are a great choreographer (Bette Midler, etc), but hot damn, you did not add one single solitary second of insight to ANYTHING that was goin on the whole freakin' not once. I think I'm going on record that she was actually the worst guest judge of the whole season. So, there. How ya like me now!?

Nigel and Mary seemed particularly chummy last night. I stopped counting the double entendre/sexual innuendo jokes at three.

Cat looked totally fuckable, as per u'su.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Will

Dance #1
Jean-Marc Generaux
If I were Courtney, I would seriously never wear anything except for those half dress, body suit, sexpot numbers that she looks so fuckin' fly in. DAYM, gurl! My bitch Court h-i-t IT on this jam. I don't know what the fuck a promenade run is Mary, but I thought these two were smokin' up that dancefloor like a Cheech and Chong movie. Now THAT's how you start a motherfuckin show!

Dance #2
Choreographer: TabPoleon
Slow Hip Hop (wha??)
Ok, the real freakin' photo album was over the top adorable, right? Seriously, I found this jam to be way more touching than that Mia Michaels bit she choreographed in memory of her dad last season that everyone pissed in their pants over. Mary's fakeouts are getting a bit tedious, yes, but this joint was insanely emotional and touching for a hip hop number. And, I'm sorry to keep singing the I Love Courtney song, but that bitch is my shorty...for real, for real. Best quote of the night from Toni Basil: "America will never feel the same again about dance after this show." Preach!

Twitch & Katee
Dance #1
Choreographer: Mia Michaels


Knock Knock
Who's There?
Mia Michael's ego
JK loozers, this one rocked it to the miggity maxx. These two were fantastic together and are both clearly superstars. Katee, everyone loves your ass so much its almost shameful. And Twitch is still my motherfuckin' bitch! Mia...jeezus christ you can choreograph the shit out of just about anything--that joint was fun, funky and good to the last drop.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio

Ok, I hated that hamster on Katee's head that was supposed to be her ponytail. Eww. Otherwise, this jam was cute...and def well danced. I feel a bit more meh toward this one since I'm not generally a Broadway fan and this routine was not quite as Tyce Diorio 2.0 as some of his other ones have been, but it was still really good.

Comfort & Mark
Dance #1
Hip Hop

Hot jam of the night alert! Hells yeah, motherfuckers! I gotta give Comfort some props, b/c she has def stepped up her game in the past couple of weeks, and this first dance was a prime rib example of that shit. And hello Mark! HOLY gangsta groovin, homes. I was a little bitter that Comfort was still around after last week, but I think that actually might be fading a bit. Also, I'd still like to eat Mark up with a spoon for dessert.

Dance #2
Jean-Marc Generaux

Gotta agree with Nigel on this one: it was just OK for me, dawg. Old Comfort (i.e. sucky Comfort) was back with a vengeance on this jam, and its upsetting because this bitch is likely gonna bring my man Mark down with the voting.

Chelsie & Josh
Dance #1
Argentine Tango

*Hot Tamale Train
Well, we haven't had choreographed sex on stage for awhile, so that was nice. These two had amazing chemistry and I have to say, I totally dig Dimitri's choreography. I'm pretty positive that the judges have yet to utter a harsh word about Chelsie, so she's still firmly planted in the "can do no wrong" camp. I'm not quite sure why Nigel felt the need to mention that Josh had the biggest butt in the competition, but as someone who has some junk in my own trunk, it was not, at all.

Dance #2
Dorianna Sanchez

I love the nightlife, y'all. That was hands down the best disco routine of the season thus far. these two were seriously out of control on this one. That one big lift when Josh lifted Chelsie straight over his head!? Holy hernia. That was insanity. Nigel loves his ass some disco too, so you know he was spooging all of the judge's table with this one.

In solo land, it was ALL about Will for me...that James Brown stuff was hott!.

Goddammit, this shit is hard now. It's like I can't even bring myself to choose to anyone...everyone is that freakin good. You bitches don't realize how hard this job is...sheet.

K, so here are my bottom two Boos:

(eventhough I think she seriously rocked it)

And bottom two Boyzz:

And goin home?: Comfort & Mark (FUCK!)

In honor of the best freakin couple to evah hit the SYTYCD stage, I would highly recommend you check out this Mark & Chelsie tribute (sniff).

Vote or die,

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

If Like 'The Hills' Were An Actual Person, I'd Ask Them To Marry Me

Dear The Hills, ***

GODDAMMIT I've missed your ass!

True, its just been a few months, but even that was a bit too much bear (Hello, gettin this!?).

Thank Christ you are back with a vengeance in mid Augz with, of course, all the dramz we've come to expect: Hooray for stupid Audrina-isms! Hooray for boy toys for allll the ladiez! Hooray for She Pratt antics and Speidi throwdowns.

Horray, Horray, H.o.o.r.a.y!

I love you 'The Hills" a fat kid loves cake.
(you to, Lo),

WTFAYTA Fergie: Clumsy

Dear Everyone, ***

I'm not sure why, but for some crazy Black Eyed Peas reason, I kind of love every single one of Fergie's songs. I even love Fergie's name...and often what she wears (i.e mom shorts = win). OH, and also: she's smokin' hot.

So, she's been on my WTFAYTA radar for awhile now.

Also, I've tried really hard to incorporate "Fergalicious" into my vocab and, uhm, its goin' pretty well I guess. I mean, this blog is pretty fuckin' Fergalicious--so there's that. And this post, in particular, is over the top Fergalicious, so yeah.

Anyway, let's get to it!


The girl can't help it oh baby Can't help it
I'm not very good at practicing self-control or making smart decisions...esp when I drink (LOL!) I can't help myself!

First time
That I saw your eyes
You remember...we were at that little bar in the E. Village...the one where there is no name above the door and you just havta KNOW that its there? I had just broken up with that asshole trader dude who always said "righteous" and dragged his "ssss" this: "RIGHTEOUSSSSSSSS." Gawd was that annoying. Anyway, he dumped me and I was pissed and feeling fat...and then you walked in and I was all: hello witch your bad self.

Boy you looked right through me, mmm mmm
Yeah, so you were there with your friends and like, at first, did not notice me at all. I tried walking by a few times and still no dice, so then I unbuttoned my shirt two (!) buttons too low (and pretended like OOPS, didn't realize!) and parked myself on the stool right next to your ass, and that seemed to work pretty ok...after eight or nine drinks.

Play it cool

Yes I have a job (kinda). No I don't live with my parents (all the time).

But I knew you knew
That cupid hit me, mmm mmm why else would I have given you a bj in the bathroom if there wasn't some sort of real karmic konnection.

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
i.e. Clumsy, like with my birth control pills

Can't help it
Sex on the beach

The girl can't help it oh baby
Sea breeze

Can't help it
(jaeger shot)

The girl can't help it oh baby
Lemon Drop ( Thx Carlos!!)

Can't help it
Pomegranate Martini

The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
White Russian (= beginning of the end)

Can't breath When you touch my sleeve, Butterflies so crazy, mmm mmm Whoa now, think I'm goin down
Bj. Bathroom. Haven't we discussed, already?

Friends don't know whats with me, mmm mmm
Yeah cause like I have my sister's wedding coming up and I sure as hell am NOT gonna be sittin at that head table looking like some pathetic single thirtysomething out of a fucking Emily Giffin chick lit like I need some sort of a motherfuckin game plan...and you were pretty much it (and also I think you promised you go with me that first night...when we were in the bathroom and I asked you. Do you remember? Right before you bj?).

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
Like this: "Cute drunk girls dancing and falling on their ass"

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
And this: "Drunk Bitch"

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
So in love with you
I mean, it kinda felt like I couldn't help myself that first night, but that was mostly because I couldn't fit into those $300 Paige jeans I had just bought and I had convinced myself that no one would ever want me again...ever. And then like you did...that night! Right there in the bathroom! LOL!

You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me This love sick thing
That was in 7th grade after I let Matt Leibowitz get to second base with me behind the bleachers in gym class. We never spoke again after that. Good times.

I like serious relationships and a A girl like me dont stay single for long
HELLO...major self esteem issues

Cuz everytime a boyfriend and I break up

(which is pretty fucking often, actually)

My world is crushed and I'm all alone

see lyrics to "All By Myself" (yes...the Celine Dion version)

The love bug crawls right back up and bites me and I'm back

Kind of like crabs--not that like I have ANY idea what that's all about but I read something in Cosmo once and like also overheard these two chicks in the locker room of my gym talking. Other than that, I have no experience at all with STD's...I mean zero. N-o-n-e.

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
I mean, fine...I was calling a lot and also had no right to show up at your office that one day unannounced (or set up that meeting with your boss) but I def think the restraing order was maybe a teensy bit over the top? Just a smidgen?

Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
The girl can't help it oh baby
Can't help it
I don't know...I mean, I don't think I'd be hanging on here so hard if there weren't like a really real, for REALS konnection between the two of us...doncha think?? I mean, you told me yourself that you thought I was super hot (that first the bathroom...before the bj) and that was like a pretty major turning point for me.

You got me trippin oh, stumbling oh, flippin oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
So in love with you
Restraining order, blah, blah, blah
Will you call me back if I agree not to call you more than 12 times per day?

Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
You got me slippin oh, tumbling oh, sinking oh, fumbling oh
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love, in love
Do you have any friends you could set me up with?

So in love with you
So in love with you
So in love with you
I still really think this could work.

And, we did it! Another song parsed and dismantled from the inside out...yay us.

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that there's a motherfuckin lesson for every single one of us here: bj's in the bathroom of a nameless bar with strangers = (usually) bad news.

Thanks, Fergie! That was Fergalicious!

Wanna go down like London Bridge,

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

No One's Got Luv For Top Gun 2!? Fuck All Y'All!!!!! I Have NOT Lost That Lovin' Feelin

Dear Everyone, ***

OK, so I can see that the whole mother fuckin' blogosphere is up in arms over this possible Top Gun 2 situation.

Word on the street is that there is a Top Gun 2 script locked and loaded and everyone is just waitin for Tom Cruise to shine his heart light on it so the studio can yell "ready, set, $$$!"

Based on my preliminary research, I am just about the only bitch ass ho on the world wide webs who thinks this shit is a good idea:

*Videogum: Let's Hope the Top Gun Sequel Idea Crashes and Burns
*CelebuCrap: Top Gun 2? Just Say NO!!
*Perez Hilton: Hoping to Revive His Career
*Cinematical: Oh No! 'Top Gun2'?
*The Bad & Ugly: WTF: Top Gun 2?

Ok, so like what is everyone's motherfuckin' beef?

I mean, did the studio ask all y'all to put up the freakin money for the movie yourselves?--empty out your 401k's-n-shit??

I mean, we're talking about one of the greatest movies of all time here (trust me, I watched this shit again very recently and it still holds up after 22 years). And, sure, I get that there is a verry strong possibility of this shit gettin way messed up, but like what if it doesn't??

What if, the planets align, and Al Gore repairs the ozone layer, and Brangelina adopts another third-world baby and the whole thing just comes together like the cast of 90210 two point oh did?

What if THAT?

Isn't now the time for healing??

True confessions: there is scarcely a celeb alive today that I detest more than Tom Cruise...with his fake ass marriage, all the ridick scientology insanity and his preachy, know-it-all swagger. But even I'M willing to put that shit aside for Pete Mitchell.


Show some goddamned respect.

I'm sorry, but I think every last one of you douches need to keep your grown mouths shut the fuck up before TC Almighty starts looking at the internets and convincing hisself that people don't actually want to see this jam.

We want this movie, Tom.
We need this movie, Tom.

Top Gun 2 could maybe rock. Admit it! It's P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

You can see it too, can't you!? Just walk into the light with me, people. DO. IT.

I feel the need...the need for speed,

Kanye West Blogs His Fuckin Face Off: Weekly Wrap Up 7.20.08: Hot Rod Edition (Pun In-Fucking-Tended)

Dear Everyone, ***

Yeezy has been for realzy.

So, like feel free to do whatever the fuck you losers want, but personally I find that Kanye's blog is best experienced in full-on ninja immersion an all day Kan-frence. For me, this is simply the most enjoyable way to just friggin BeKanye.

So like I don't check my RSS reader all week until I am good and ready to dive head first into the full on parsing of Kanye's blog-o-verse. I mean, I take this shit seriously so I'm not just gonna willy nilly milli vanilli dip my toe into the Kanye West infotainment pool without my goggles, ear plugs and up-to-100-feet waterproof ipod on tap, right??

So yeah, imagine my surprise today when I krumped on over to kanyeuniversecity dot com slash blog only to discover that there are: 60 FUCKING NEW POSTS. That's like six oh, people...fifty-eight, fifty-nine, S-I-X-T-Y...since last Sunday.


S'like, I'm gonna need to start another fucking blog JUS to deal with Kanye's ass.


Here's what Kanye's blogging his fuckin face off about this week:

ALL KANYE BLOG CONTENT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF KANYE'S OWN MOTHERFUCKIN' BRAIN: First off, don't even think about frontin like Kanye aint writing a-l-l this shit on his very own. His ass is blogging 24/7, people, upside down, inside out and outside in. In the morning, in the evening, and even in the middle of very important recording sesh's when, (just a guess here), the LV Don should probs be doing 17 million other things instead of gettin' his blog on. But dude's gotta blog when the dude's gotta blog! (Blawg on, brutha!) Macbook AIR, motherfuckers!

Fave comment in response:
Futureandbeyond08 | July 16, 2008
Look ye, fuck that dude, I know u be on this joint handling ya bi, and u know it too. This is my first comment I ever left on this site, I just wanna say thanks for making this possible for us fans to be able to communicate wit u like this. Please please please!! Check my myspace page
(ED Note: checked the myspace page Futureandbeyond08, and I kinda dug that "On My Hustle" jam).

VROOM, VROOM: Holy Ferrari Scuderia, Yeez...seems like life is a highway this week, hunh? Price of gas sure as shit ain't gettin you down witch your Lexus Nuaero, Beamer 7-Series, BMW Gran Turismo, Vertitas RSIII and ur Peugeot Concept Vehicle. Diddy and Fiddy got a Rolls Royce Phantom tho, so...I'm just sayin'.

Fave comment in response (Peugeot Concept Car):
LoveandHate | July 17, 2008
John Mccain on the cover of the New Yorker 'gay' wrestling with Dubya. I'm soooo over those old farts. RUNEM' over with your batmobile chaingang... badluck in name u dig???

HOTT HONEY HO HO'S OF THE WEEK: For all you horndogs in DFA's burgeoning online readership universe (yeah, YOU, y.o.u and YOU), you best cancel your monthly membs to Suicide Girls-n-shit. I mean, why on earth would you spend good money for whack off lit when Kanye's providin morethanenuff to keep you buzy for dayz, son. I mean, just look at this woman Sarah Shahi's bee stung connectin' the dots, homes? I'm not, personally, vibin' on Quiana Grant, but like diffrn't strokes for diffrn't folks. Erica Mena steps up to the motherfuckin' plate with some jammin' slutty snaps (replete with pink furs-n-shit), and Louise Glover shows us all what a Victoria's Secret catalog might look like if Victoria were an actual prostitute. Angel Tara = meh (Girl of the Week!? Really, Ye?). Eva Mendes, on the other hand is someone whose cherry chapstick I'd t-o-t-a-l-l-y like to taste.

Fave comment in response (Eva Mendes):
LoveandHate | July 19, 2008
meow... Is this the masturbation site or Kanye West the freaky artist? haLOL You love the pics of women in their drawels huh kanye? Like seeing how phat the cat is... TYPICAL.
(ED Note: that's TWO fuckin wins for LoveandHate. Preach, homes!).

ART FOR ART'S SAKE?: Thankfully, the slutty bitch theme continues with this week's featured artists! Photographer Julia Fullerton-Batten takes pics of girls in bikinis mixed in with a weird water fetish. In Doll Face, a short film, a woman's face is dismantled. Kewl! LOL!

Fave comment in response:
p | July 19, 2008
Stop babe. Stop. How bout if u were in opposite positions. What would u think then. Same posts. It was right thing to do. I made it clear I won't turn my back on u for anything. We argued more than we got along. And we both get caught up in work and babe I know I will change to make u happy and then one day go why did I change. And walk. U know for me prefer this route much more low key already wanted to run. I won't go back. I refuse. I won't go thru what I went thru last night. I can't take it. Rather be alone then to c this fall apart. U know its true too. I am out all the time. I won't change. Going in two weeks to see my seal friend. Will drive u batty. Took me a long time to get here and cut people off that judge me for no reason. I don't want to go back to who I was. Changing to make people happy. And I will I know how I am when I care about someone. In the end we don't even have a friendship. Then add in our tempers.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL?: Uh huh (no LOL's req'd). Yeezy waited a year and a fucking half and probs had to have his security guard give Marc Jacobs a BJ for this mofo backpack.

Fave comment in response:
Kid_Brother | July 20, 2008

WEEKLY WILDCARD: Positive K's "I Gotta Man" Video. No clue??? Me neither.

Fave comment in response:
RithyHickman | July 19, 2008
"I kick in like a turbo booster," childhood foreal. But you know what? The third girl he was talking to always made me feel a certain way when I was a kid, and after seeing the video, I realized it was the initial feelings of being turn on, or aroused if you will. I didn't know what it was then but that leather dress really did it for me, lol.
Cruzin the A-T-L (break!)
1luv > ATL >World

Phew, we did it!

Remember: It's Kanye's world...we're all just livin in it.

[Sux to NOT BeKanye :( ]


Monday, July 21, 2008

Web's Hottest Blogger = M.E. (Obvs)

Dear Playboy, ***, I really don't mean to embarrass anyone over there or anything, but it seems like you guys have made like a really big mistake.

I noticed recently that you have this "Who's the Web's Hottest Blogger" piece running on in which you're asking people to vote on the sexxiest online blog chick-a-dees. And then like, the winner gets a hot ass blogger spread on in the months to come, apparently.

So, I clicked my ass all through that page, and...uhm... I was really, really confused.

Like, I didn't see my pic anywhere?

I checked through my email inbox (all three accounts) from the last few months, scoured my facebbook wall, my twitter feeds, and like also my Plurk and I still did not see any correspondence at all from you guys, which needless to say, is pretty fucking weird.

I'm guessing this is obvies just an oversight, because HELLO, that list was pretty much m-a-d-e in the shade for my ass.

So, like, uhm...feel free to check my "sexy," "sexy4u," "i'" and "bask in the glow of my eternal hotness" albums on FB for some good snaps to use for the vote. And then I guess I'll just see you in the studio for the photo shoot after I sweep the shit out of the competition!

say cheez,

DFA GUEST POST: BLOGNIGGER: Whoopi Goldberg, Black As The Ace Of Spades

[let's sit back, relax, and listen up to the mad rockin beats of Brooklyn's very own self-described blognigger; i.e. in case the all caps headline and add'l note at the end of this post did not alert your ass to the fact that this is a guest post, THIS IS, indeed, a guest post]

Dear Ms. Goldberg, ***

So funny – now I totally feel like I'm writing to my 6th grade clarinet teacher who was also named Ms. Goldberg... never understood how you could have that last name and be Black (Argh, see how I digress when I get nervous??! But as a comedian I know you'll appreciate this so I'm leaving it in).

Okay start again:

omg, Hi!

Thanks for even reading this--you've definitely been a role-model for me. Not to be presumptuous, but it seems like we have a bunch of stuff in common: for example, I'm also a Black New Yorker who whines a lot and thinks he's funny and is into making white chicks cry.

Anyway, I've been a huge fan of yours since the 80's -- by the way, and I'm always pointing this out: you were a visionary if you think about it -- your proto-IM conversations in Jumpin Jack Flash pretty much formed the basis for how people conduct themselves in today's anonymous chatrooms.

So, the thing about you that I always admired most was how you just don't give a FUCK, yaknow? Whatever anyone thinks, you just do your thing.

Back in the day during Comic Relief specials, even though Billy Crystal and Robin Williams and Sam Kinison would do these sets that would just *kill* and have the audience dying, and when you got on stage it was like crickets --it didn't phase you at all. Not only did you finish your set but you kept doing the thing where you went up and interrupted *their* sets and broke up their flow because that's what you wanted to do and you didn't give a FUCK!


And ballsy!

Whoop's gonna do what Whoop's gonna do.

So, the reason I'm choosing to write you now after all these years is obviously cause of the n-word stuff on The View.

Here's the thing: I'm an, a dick. It's obvs tough to tell from this letter since I'm kissing your ass (i know i am, it's ok) but in real life, I tend to get in people's faces-n-shit.

The problem that I have, that I wanted to get your advice on, is this: when I see really sincere people showing human emotion and begging me for their empathy, I keep like, giving in to them. I back down and start treating them like human beings because I get this feeling that in the end, we're all people who are ultimately subject to the same tribulations inherent to the human condition.

But like, FUCK that, you know?

Like academically, I know that I shouldn't be swayed by their tears but should be like, eyes on the prize, you know, channel anger from slavery or something and just FUCKEM and roll right over them with a steamroller, you know? RRRRR!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Steamroller!!! ya know?

So my question is this: how do you do it? Do you have like a technique or something that you use? Do you meditate?

The View was a perfect example -- that little white slut Elisabeth was like, playing that Rodney King card like "can't we all just get along?" and you're like NO BITCH, we really can't because people I never knew 200 years ago were slaves for people who look JUST LIKE YOU. And I was in the Alice Walker movie of it, etc, yaknow?

And even when she's like, almost crying, you're like "Steamroller!"

Jesus christ, you are one heartless CUNT! Lemme get your big black autograph!??!

DAMN whoop; awesome stuff.

That was good, but the climax is obviously when she's appealing to you, literally crying, and you like, have a chance to help heal race relations by being a role-model to other whiny angry blacks, but instead you're like, NO - I'M STILL ANGRY - and she - lol! - she starts saying this really objective and impossible-to-argue-against shit like "We all live in the same world!" and you're all "no we don't?!" LOL!!! And you can hear how scared the audience is to disagree with you cause you're so black and if they disagree they're RACIST.

That's some emperor's new clothes shit right there - I'm totally stealing that from you in my next argument --they're like, "Ice is cold," and I'm just gonna be all "NO IT'S NOT!!" -- just be like, "I'm black, and I'm saying Ice is hot" and they have to listen and back down!!

Completely fucking rules, thx.

Another thing we have in common: I'm totally into white pussy.

How pissed are you that Elisabeth is married to that football player?? --because now like in 5 years when she's a complete hasbeen, there's still no way she'll be doin porn because she'll just have all his money to live on.

Fucking dumb white stringy bitch but, oh MAN, i would get up in that. I'd be up to my nuts in guts Whoop!!!!

btw, I was thinking since she's all "I never used a vibrator" if you ever get to tap that backstage, you should get some big black veiny strap-on and just be like, "SAY HELLO TO MY LEEETLE FRIEND!" I would be so psyched to watch her walk funny.

In summary, Whoop: props.

Keep doin' what you do.

If you do get her ass to walk funny, maybe you can just drop me a note when the episode is about to air cause I will totally tivo and pump off to that shit for *months*!

thanks for everything "ms. Goldberg" ;)

take care,

(ED Note: Unless you're like really stupid, go read more Blognigger right the fuck now. Even Gawker has given this dude his own tag category: Black every day for 32 years; never a nigger until Wall st. moved to Brooklyn).

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Please, For The Love Of Gawd, Break Up With My Brain, Heidi Montag

Dear Heidi, *

So, I've been thinking about you ever since all this bullshit dropped a couple of weeks ago over the fact that your ass made it onto Jeapordy. Like you were the answer to a Jeapordy question. YES...Alex Trebek Jeapordy...the real motherfucking Jeapordy.


Ok. Well, my take away was this: Al Gore is right; we are in a crisis shituation (...and I need HELP).

Talk to my ass about the ozone layer and recycling and carbon offsets and all that shit...I get it...I really do. I drink 6 to 8 cans of diet coke every day and every single one of those motherfuckers gets recycled. But, I've said it before: the REAL, for really real shit that we alll need to be concerned about is you.

You are currently surfing: the airwaves, the radiowaves, the gossip rag waves, the policital/election soundbyte waves, the Christian religious right waves, the fashion industry/mall tour waves, and now the TV trivia gameshow waves (!?). I've got a through the roof tolerance level for whiny, annoying, Dlist celebrity douches, and even I can't handle the site of your ass anymore.

And yet here I am...RIGHT AT THIS VERY SECOND (type, type, click, click) writing about you on my blog.

I hate you...and yet I can't stop.

It makes me want to barf that people are paying so much goddamned attention to you...and yet I AM paying so much goddmaned attention to you right fucking now with this missive about how much you annoy the living shit out of me.

(Help. Me. Please.)

Le sigh.

And now the latest is that you've come out and said that you would really like to collab with Britney Spears or Madonna in the future. You know, after your musical career continues to sky rocket and you...I don't know, win a fucking Grammy or something.

BUT you know what the craziest thing is about all of this bullshit!? I can kinda maybe see it happening--THAT's the motherfucking scary part. Like, I can maybe, possibly envision the fact that you could collaborate with Britney at some point.

Like why the fuck not?

So, what am I suppos'd to do with all this information, Heidi-HO? Really? Where am I supposed to put it? How do I process this shit, because like, there is no room left in my brain for it.

I'm all out of ideas.

Yo, Spencer,

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Dear Famous Asshole = One Of The Cursiest Blogs On The Motherfuckin Block!

Dear Everyone, ***

Whassup motherufuckers!

Our cuss ratio, that's what (64.3% with a bullet!)

I just ran through this handy, dandy online cuss-o-meter, and I'm proud to report that our site is 543% more cursy than all other sites on the cock sucking, titty fucking internets!

Congrat-u-fucking-lations to me!

I mean sure...I realize that we're not perfect. And like, I'm def a little disppointed that we are falling just shy of that g-spot red zone in the cuss-o-meter above, but like we're still pretty motherfuckin cussy!

And in the meantime, I hereby promise, dear readers, to try harder in the weeks and months to come.

In fact, here is my pledge to you: I will not rest until we are the nastiest, cursiest, bitchiest, blackest, gang bangin-est, anal sexiest, fuck the policeiest blog on the whole entire world wide webbin mofo shit cock ass lickin' block.

Cross my heart.

one love,

Friday, July 18, 2008

SYTYCD Week 6 Eliminations: See Ya Kherington & Gev..."For Real, For Real"

Dear Kherington & Gev, ***

Not since Jamie Lynn Spears showed her ass up on the internets 16 and pregnant, have I been quite so shocked. I hate to say it, but I just can't help myself: last night was kind of banoodles.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things (i'm talking like Universe level here), this shit is good because it says this: we, as a society, are willing to give people second chances. This explains why Comfort's ass is right now sittin' pretty on Nigel's lap as Cat serves her caviar and after dinner drinks-n-shit.

Unfortch for you homies, it means a one way ticket on the Hot Tamale Train to nowhere.

Kherington: Don't think we all didn't notice that look you gave Cat when she announced it was your ass that was hittin' the road. We did...and it was kind of funny. And like you, we were all thinking the same thing: WTF? Ok, so you weren't gonna win the show...fine...but there isn't a motherfucker alive who watches SYTYCD that would not have bet their house, car, wife and kids on the fact that it would have been Jess's ass goin' home last night if she hadn't dislocated her vagina like she did. Comfort comin' back and for once, ONE TIME hittin' like she did was unexpected...and unfortunate. For you, at least. So, in summary: while you do have the stupidest name I've ever heard, you are a killer dancer...and I unexpectedly dug you in ways I had never anticipated after you were paired up with Twitch. You definitely shouldn't have gone home last night, but you did, so....yeah.

Gev: I wasn't as surprised about your departure as I was Kherrington's only b/c, again, you were not destined to win this motherfucker. BUT you were rockin' it throughout this w-h-o-l-e competition and we noticed it week after week. Your pairing with my girl Courtney was one of my favorites of the season and your recent solos were seriously off the chain. But bottom line: we were not, as a dance nation, prepared to lose Mark yet, so it had to be u. Hopefully you won't mind going down in the SYTYCD annals as the Dominic 2.0 of season 4--I know we'll be seein' your ass again around the dance-o-sphere, so turn that frown upside down and go fuck Courtney one last time before you're shipped off to the airport.

The group numbers were kickin' and...HELLO NIGEL? I mean, I'm not quite sure what "choreographer" meant behind the scenes since he thanked some other peeps for "assisting him." And true, there was no sophistication or storyline to that guy's dance at all, but still! I'm proud of you Ni-ge!

Despite the fact that it felt a little too Christian for my Jewy ass, Mia Michaels number was also beautiful [sidenote: WTF is the protocol on bringing your OWN damn self to tears with your own freakin choreography?? That bitch was ready to give her very own ass a standing ovation].

And as far as I'm concerned, the more Bollywood the better.

Ok, Gevington, its time. Give mommy a kiss now and go. you're ripping off a band-aid. GO!


Thursday, July 17, 2008

September 1st = Gossip Girl Season 2 Premiere, Bitches!


Dear My Fat Ass,*

Don't even think of pretendin like you didn't see this pic of Helen Mirren in a bikini.

You saw it. You know u did; and I know u did; and we all know u did...and now its time to deal. So rather than dance around this shit like Muhammad Ali, let's just lay it on the line and step to it.

Here are the facts:
*Helen Mirren is 62
*You are considerably younger than 62
* Helen Mirren looks way bettter in a bikini than you do

Uhm....yeah. So there's that.

Le sigh.

Not feeling so "pan-tastic" NOW, are we?

Suicide is not the answer,

SYTYCD Week 6: Dr. Spank-En-Stein Was Hoppin On The Love Boat While We All (Yet Again) Got Buck

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, so that Jessica bullshit was a little over the top, n'est-ce que pas? I mean, we all knew that somethin somethin went down, so exactly why did she need to come out in a micro-mini to deliver the news that she had two broken ribs and a dislocated vagina? That was so not buck.

After such a hot time at Prom last week, Mary obvs got dressed up for the annual SYTYCD Homecoming Gala. And I think after the loss we all took at the Powder Puff football game this afternoon, I for one was happy to see her glammed up like the fierce cheetah she is. Nigel was wearing one of his Gap clearance rack washed denim shirts, so he clearly did NOT get the memo about the Summer Formal.

Lil' C was an interesting addition to the judges panel, but I def think I prefer him choreographin shit up rather than breakin it down.

Also, for those of you who are as out-of-the-closet pathetic as my ass is, I'll see you on November 6th at the Prudential Center in Newark for the SYTYCD Tour.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Courtney & Joshua

Dance #1
Choreographer: Dave Scott

Hip Hop

Well, well, well, what do we have here?...a hot ass new motherfucking pairing, that's what! Courtney's hair and weird makeup job was slightly distracting, but aside from that I loved this number. Josh flies under the radar sometimes, but he's a serious Spank-enstein superstar. And Court stepped up to the plate here in a gigantic way---I'm sorry but Nigel was WRONG, wrong, wrong! Also, where the eff you been all my life, Dave Scott? Tab-poleon have been holding their own around these parts fer sure, but fina-freakin-ly we've got another hot hip hop choreographer on the scene who doesn't suck a dizzle as much as Cecily and Olisa.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Jean-Marc Generaux
Go on which your bad self Joshie...bustin' out with the tight pants again. Mmmm Hmmm. This was awesome and hot and crazy/sexy/cool. These two had a killer night and they both better be safer than Ft. Knox tomorrow or I will hunt all you bitches down one by freakin one.

Mark & Kherrington
Dance #1
Choreographer: Ronnie & Brandi

Country Two Step

Wow...we've finally uncovered a style of dance that's cheezier than West Coast Swing. I. Hate. Two Step. Also, (and I KNEW this would happen), I miss Mark and Chelsie in a really, really big way. I was not feelin' these two vibin' on each other at a-l-l, so that didn't help matters. I wasn't even really noticing the screw-ups that the judges pointed out just because the whole freakin thing just looked screwed up to me.

Best quote of the night from Lil C re: this jam: "Uhm...Ok...Uhm..."

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio

Despite the fact that it felt like Mark should have been wearing leg warmers, I did dig this joint way more than their first jam. I do agree with Mary tho--at no point did I feel fired up. It was cute...and kinda gay and fun in a Studio 54 circa 1974 sort of a way. But also sort of blah, blah, meh.

Comfort & Twitch
Dance #1
Hunter Johnson
Smooth Waltz

Twitch successfully jammed his hand up Comfort's ass (something I've been wanting to do for several weeks now) for a seriously death defying lift , so that made me happy. But other than that this was just full on weird for me. I think Comfort brought Twitch's shit way down to Chinatown, and yet again there was no chemistry whatsoever between these two. Here's how I'm feelin' about this whole sitch: "Daym, we gots to vote your ass off AGAIN!?"

Dance #2
Dave Scott
Hip Hop

*Buck Alert
2 Hip Hoppers + 1 hot routine = FINALLY I don't hate that bitch Comfort. I'll give props when props are due and these two deserve props. I totally agreed with Nigel--this is the first motherfuckin time we've seen Comfort even show up this whole competition. Personally, its a bit too little too late for me, but I still dug this jam hard. The costumes, however, looked like they were sewn by a village of blind, retarded Asian child laborers...."for real, for real."

Katee & Will

Dance #1
Tyce Diorio

Ok, so if he ripped open his shirt like that again I'd sail away with Will on a garbage barge down the Gowanus Canal. These two worked really, really well together and, again, I was diggin' the Broadway number from Tyce. The judges all got their first hard ons of the eve for these two, so I think we're all in agreement here. (Also can I get a "ding dong the witch is dead" shout out over the fact that Will has finally broken free from the slave chains of Jessica!?)

Dance #2
Desmond Richardson & Dwight Rhoden
Pas de Deux

[sidenote: hearing Cat pronounce "pah duh duh" just slayed me]
*Hot fuckin number ot he night alert!
This was beautiful, gorgeous, lovely and, yep, made Mary cry. I cried too, Mar, and that is the magic of this motherfuckin show. Wow. Wow. wow. These two were off the hizzy.

Chelsie & Gev
Dance #1
Choregorapher: Sonya
This music was alllll wrong for this number. ALL wrong. The choreography was interesting, but also still a little weird for me (and not weird/cool like Mark...just plain weird/weird). These two rocked it pretty well and seemed to sizzle a bit.

Dance #2
Choregorapher: Jean-Marc Generaux
Ok, so the jive ain't really my bag, but this was def hott. I'm pretty sure there's no one left in the studio who has not prayed at the alter of Chelsie's legs, so let's all give one more SYTYCD shoutout to the gorge-us-nuss of Chelsie: U are one hott, sexxy mama, chica. I didn't notice Gev slummin' it as much as the judges did, but Chels def was def shining bright during this jam.

As for the solos, I don't really have much to say except that they were all rockin. I did think that Gev's solo was off the hook though...and also he came up with a move with his tshirt that puts the one handed bra dismount to shame.

K, so here are my bottom two Honeys:

And bottom two Homos:

And goin home?: Comfort & Gev

Let your fingers do the walking people,

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Trailer Parks, Metrosexuals & Pretty Boys: Mr. Ex Star Jones Is 'Separating The Gossip From The Facts'

Dear Mr. Ex-Star Jones
, *

Holy. Freakin. Brilliantness.

I have just partaken in a thorough viewing of all three juicy, nugget-filled videos on the newly launched AlReynoldsChannel, and I have the following immediate reactions to share with you:

*I LOVE the AlReynoldsChannel...perhaps more than I have loved any other self-created, fake TV channel that I have ever come into contact with (as such, I have subscribed to all future AlReynoldsChannel posts).

*I am prepared to forego other, regularly scheduled network and/or cable broadcast programming in order to fully commit to immersing myself in future AlReynolds programming.

*I am now under the impression that everyone--particularly other "misunderstood" D list celebs--should immediately get thee to a broadcast studio, hire a fake interviewer, and create their own set of fake interview videos for their own fake youtube channel. WE WILL WATCH IT...I promise you.

*And Your Heart Goes 'Whoo,' should obvs be the name of your next Book/DVD/TV show/Puclicity Tour, et al.

*Your continued use of "I didn't share this with you," in the fake videos, is an extremely effective tool in creating the illusion that: you're about to say something interesting (you're not); "we" have an intimacy that would allow for sharing secrets (we do!); and that we care what is about to come out of your mouth next (we don't...and yet we do). Complicated shit, right??

(and most importantly)
*YOU ARE NOT GAY NOW, NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN G-A-Y! - Gotta be straight with you Al, this was your one major misstep. I guess you're not up on the news lately, what with all of the preparation you have likely been pouring into your fake interviews for your fake TV channel-n-all, but its actually way cooler now to be gay than straight. "If anyone knew the damage it has caused me, they would understand why I'm very agressive about this." Uhm...what sort of damage, Al? Goin' gay is pretty much your one and only trump card in this whole crazy, effed up Star Jones mindfuck of a shituation you've gotten yourself into. Unless you want to be known as SJ's lameass douche of an ex-husband 4-eva, I would highly recommend that you come out of the closet immediately, date Lance Bass and let us all get on with our own ridiculousness.

Anyway Al, Bravo!

It was rad to start off my morn with all that mad truth that you dropped right on my fucking face. Please, please, for the love of God please, add more videos to the AlReynoldsChannel soon, k? In the meantime, I'l call Time Warner to cancel our cable.

Al B Sure,

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

SYTYCD News Flash: Jessica Has Gotten Her Ass Fedoke'd!

Dear Fellow SYTYCD Freaks of Nature, ***

Wow, bitches.

M-A-J-O-R news breakin wide open all over the internets: COMFORT IS BACK!

Apparently, Miss Jessica, aka Will's Kryptonite, has gone off and injured her damn self. Here's what our favorite leather clad Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe had to say: "I'm afraid I can't be specific. ... I've been instructed not to discuss the injury...We'll be specific on the show."

Ohhh Kaaay.

Let me be the first to make a very SPECIFIC guess about exactly what happened: unable to handle rehearsals for one more freakin day with that dead weight around his neck like an Albatross, Will threw that bitch Jessica down a flight of stairs and she broke her ankle. Boo yah!

Fine, so Will is way too much of a gentleman to have ever done that...but Mia Michaels would! I Knew it! It was totally that bitch Mia Michaels!

Anyway, as a result of these shenanigans, Comfort is back (Jeezus, how PISSED are you, Thayne? Ouch).

So here is our new and slightly improved list of Top 10 Dancers:
*Joshua (do me rag) Allen
*Stephen "Twitch" (ur my bitch) Boss
*Comfort (blah, blah, meh) Fedoke
*Courtney (girl crush) Galiano
*Chelsie (I want to stab you) Hightower
*Mark (u know u want me) Kanemura
*Gev (u spin me right round) Manoukian
*Kherington (I'm as transparent as a window...) Payne
*Katee (big girls don't cry) Shean
*William (free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last!) Wingfield

Tune in tomorrow for the real dramz.

Comfort-ably numb,