If Amanda Lorber is Your Camp Counselor, You Hit the Fucking Sleepaway Camp Jackpot

Dear Campers in Amanda Lorber's bunk, **

Le Sigh.

Ever since I heard about Ms. Lorber packin' up her canteen and heading off to camp, I've been wondering about all of your asses. Mostly I've been wondering this: do you little homegirls realize how freaking golden you have it at Blue Star!? Do you realize that you are the envy of rich, eight-year-olds misfits at sleepaway camps all over this mofo?

AMANDA LORBER IS YOUR FUCKING CAMP COUNSELOR!!

I got stuck with sleep away camp counselors that smoked pot all day and snuck over to boy's side for a little third base action during our afternoon gymnastics hour. We were lucky if they got back in time to remind us to shower that night (I once made it four god damned days).

Meanwhile, you guys are chillaxin in the Blue Ridges with Ms. "In Chief" herself. I really hope you're appreciatin' your situation and shit. I mean, while you guys are livin' it up at Team Tennis, Ultimate Frisbee and Full Contact Canoe, the rest of us bitches are stuck in the hot, WET motherfucking big apple, waiting for Ms. Lorber's arrival. She hasn't been Facebookin' much (though her last status update had her "cabin bonding" with you twits), and there are no new interviews to speak of. I'm guesing you little hot mamas are, no doubt, taking up all her time with truth or dare, stationery poker and wet t-shirt contests "I never" marathons, so, yeah...that like doesn't leave her much extra time to manage her ever expanding fan base.

Not to harp on this, but its because of you shorties that I'm left with nothing to do but google Trevor & Gianna and write pathetic fan letters to Michael Jan all summer long. It's not pretty.

I do, however, realize that we're obvs not going to see eye to eye on any of this shit, so can you at least tell me when the eff Color War is? I need to figure out my Amanda Lorber Fall editorial calendar.

tramp the camp,
me

For Amanda Lorber, I WILL Throw Down With You, Bitch; Back Off Alexandria Symonds...Or Else

Dear Ms. Symonds, (*?)

I, too, was totally disgusted with your piece in The Spectator in which you saw fit to talk trash about MTV's, The Circuit's, and quite frankly Anyone With A Freakin Brain's, fave-o-rite goofball, Amanda Lorber.

Your analysis of the show was shoddy at best, and at worst, a trivialized deconstruction of what turned out to be a quasi reinvention of the reality show format as we know it. And in my humble opinion, this--the show's success, and the ensuing kudos for MTV-- is entirely due to the show's sassy, roll-with-the-punches, bespectacled anti-ingenue: Amanda Lorber. I assume, Ms. Symonds, that you were unsuccessful in carving out such a unique identity for yourself in high school?

I searched on youtube for any evidence of your own vocal talent, yet my efforts yielded nothing. Based on your comment about Amanda's "loud" and "inappropriate" singing, I was certain I would find a Julliard audition tape at the very least. Amanda happens to have real singing talent...and I'm guessing real acting talent too. Her "Facebook Song" with Cassia is magical and her Mr. Roboto rendition, is nothing short of brilliant, so lets just leave our discussion there, if we may.

I confess that I am not surprised that Alex, the whiny, self-aggrandizing, wannabe cool kid is the "character" you found most relatable. Alex spent the entirety of the show being so jealous of Amanda's well earned position, and so committed to undermining her efforts, he managed to move his likability factor to below that of Giana's on my Cypress Bay totem pole--no easy feat, I can assure you. That you also venture an actual shout out to Giana, the leader of the "back row" crew as, again, a "relatable" character cements the fact that I place absolutely no value whatsoever on your analytical abilities.

I do agree with your point that Amanda presents us with a stark contrast to almost every other student depicted on the show (and I am not naive enough to assume that the worst of the bunch, i.e. the "back row bitches" are a fair representation of the Cypress Bay student body as a whole), however, I think that is a good thing. As an incoming college freshman, Amanda proudly exhibits a zesty self-confidence, a sharp as a knife wit and a true commitment to success and hard work that is hard to find even amongst my own peers (and I am way older than 18), let alone amongst other high school students. "Annoying"?? In what universe?

Amanda is the "character" on The Paper that I relate to wholeheartedly...that I wish I was gutsy enough to be like in high school...and that I'm pretty positive will one day rule the world. And when she does rule the world, Ms. Symonds, how sad it will be when we look back and remember you for nothing more than how truly wrong you got it way back when.

Hmph,
me

Amanda Lorber, Please Don't Leave Me Now: The Season Finale of The Paper

Dear Amanda, ***

First of all, :(

How in the hell can the whole season be over already!

Second of all: OMG, this whole Alex thing t-o-t-a-l-l-y makes sense now! He was being such an asshole to you over the past few weeks because he's secretly been in love with Michael Jan the whole time! How can he not be? He's Jan-tastic! Jan-i-licious! Jan-jiggity!

I mean, I get where Alex is coming from--I really do. I want to lick the sweat off of Michael Jan's glistening bod myself after watching him in the shirtless "sprint off" with Adam. And we're not the only ones: Giana spent the entirety of her eleven month anniversary lunch with Trevor at the Melting Pot singing the Jan Man's praises. He plays tennis, he's a genius, he's still got a life!

MICHAEL JAN, MICHAEL JAN, MICHAEL JAN!

Check out her defensive eye roll when Trev called her out about her not so secret crush.

Anyway, I'm glad we've finally gotten to the bottom of what's been undermining you with the "back row" crew this whole time--an over-the-top, obsessive infatuation with MJ.

Oh yeah, and also the fact that Alex is a delusional, self-important douche who has literally zero clue how to generate any of his own opinions. He is STILL so hung up on the fact that he was not chosen for the editor-in-chief position, he seems to be in the midst of some sort of psychotic break with reality wherein he thinks he's the motherfucking glue holding the entirety of The Circuit newspaper together.

This makes no sense...like, none.

Ok, so he showed up to the ropes course bonding exercise and you didn't. BFD. You had to finish your NYU application for God's sake! (congrats, by the way, miss thang :) I think you aptly realized that it was a case of too little too late by that stage of the game, and you needed to be looking out for A number one. But I think it was this absence of yours, coupled will your brill bitch slap out in the hall after he tried to make you look like a fool in front of your staffers, that ultimately planted the inane idea in his head that he needed to work things out with you once and for all with one last talk.

Expectedly, Alex acted like a two-year-old and you exhibited your usual way-beyond-your years brand of cool at this tete-a-tete, making him look all the more pathetic and sad. Here were some of my favorite Alex quotes from your final showdown convo:

1. "I've tried to remain netural this whole time"
2. "I've been picking up the slack and doing all of your work."
3. "People think that I've performed well and you haven't"

Alex, dude, what are you smoking?!

Not only has he continuously not remained neutral, he has sabotaged and undermined you at every available turn. I highly doubt he's had to pick up one iota of slack on your behalf and as for people thinking that "he's performed well" I'm quite certain that's data he culled from....yep, you guessed it...the back row bitch squad--i.e. all the chumps who mistakenly thought they should be holding the journalistic reigns instead of you. Unless, of course, by "performed well" he was making some sort of sick reference back to his Michael Jan man crush/obsession, but I will not drag you down into the gutter with me to ponder that possibility.

So, Ms. Amanda Lorber, as your lovely little show comes to an end tonight, I can say with the utmost sincerity and not a drop of snark in my keyboard stroking, you have managed to completely renew my faith in the teen establishment, reality television, journalistic pursuits and MTV all at the same time. Not to get all sentimental and "will you sign my yearbook" on you, but I'm totally going to miss you. Miss you in like a genuinely real sort of way that I've definitely never felt before toward any other reality star (cue music--we totally just had a moment here together, didn't we?). Anyway, ALo, you are a smart, spunky goin' places chick with about as good a head on your shoulders as one could ever hope for at your age (Christ, who are we kidding here--at my age!). I've said it before and I'll say it again: You rock, and you rock hard. Please try not to forget this...it will be hard at times, but you need to try (maybe write out a few post-it notes??).

Before we say our goodbyes (hopefully not forevs!), can you PLEASE tell me what this girl's name is?! She is fucking hysterical and smart and gutsy and its been bugging me for weeks that I don't know what to call her. If she is not a senior, I hope she gets the editor-in-chief gig next year (are you out there Mrs. Weiss?)

Anyway AL, thanks for the memories...I'll treasure them 4-eva. You've got some mighty big shoes to fill fer sure.

LYLAS.

Youtube, Facebook, Myspace, Text,
Me
(for realz)

P.S. Trevor got a perfect math score on his SAT's?! Holy Christ, that was the shocker of the season (I guess I owe you an apology, Trev).

Alex, You So Don't Even Deserve Amanda Lorber...Like Not Even A Little Bit

Dear Alex, *

You truly disappointed me last night.

I mean, what the hell is wrong with you these days? You started off as this sweet, smart, teen nerd and in four short eps have morphed into a sweaty, whiny pussy whipped tool. Look at yourself. You actually managed to ruin this adorable Homecoming picture...and Mrs. Weiss agrees!

Your need to be a "cool kid" is getting kinda lame, and its seriously interfering with your rep. I had high hopes for you--I even thought you might eventually come around to realizing that Amanda was the better choice for editor-in-chief...and your one true love (le sigh). Alas, your head seems filled with nothing these days but Alex + Alix montages and Trevor/Gianna orchestrated bullying techniques. It's so very sad.

And don't think this isn't all affecting you. You look like you haven't slept in days and your zit factor is through the freakin roof.

And so, in conclusion, your refusal to dance with Amanda at Homecoming, for me, is t-h-e final straw. I'm done with you Alex...for good.

"She's Amanda Lorber...she's perfect." Indeed.

Lorb-it or lose it,
me

p.s. Aren't you just an eensy bit jealous that ALo will be living it up in NYC...probably interning at the NY Observer and eating magnolia cupcakes all the live long day? Thought so.

Let's Unleash the "Bod Squad" on All Your Haters, Amanda Lorber!

Dear Amanda, ***

Just caught up on Monday night's ep and I had a couple of ideas for some new post-it notes you could hang around your room:

• "Gianna is scheming jealous little hussie!"
• "Alex has z-e-r-o backbone!"
  
• "Trevor is the layout editor because he can't read!"
• "Adam is a wittle bitty cwy baby!"
  

Ok, perhaps my post-it notes are not quite as inspirational as yours are, but those loud-mouth, delusional staffers of yours deserve to be punched in the face--every last one of them (except, of course, for Cassia and your other friend--who rocks pretty freakin' hard for standing up for you at the editor's meeting).

Holy freakin' ridiculousness.

That anyone in that entire school is still under the hilariously insane impression that Giana, Alex or anyone else but you should have been editor, is beyond my comprehension. Giana!? An Editor-in-Chief!? That's coo coo for cocoa puffs.

I hate to say it, but I think its officially time to kick Alex to the curb. He's way too hung up on fitting in with the "cool" kids and he totally doesn't get that he's making a huge mistake by hitchin' himself to the wrong wagon. You two could rule the school, but he's far too busy giving Giana a bikini wax and teaching Trevor the alphabet to ever put that puzzle together.

So keep on keepin' on ALo. Because, I cannot w-a-i-t until you have some fab development deal with the network in a few years or some kickass job writing for Samantha Who or the Daily Show and Giana and her bitch brigade can sit around in their community college dorm rooms eating their bitchtastic hearts out all the live long day.

In Chief we trust,
me

Amanda Lorber, Will U Be My BFF? Pretty Please??

Dear Hollywood Powerhouses, **

I cannot sit idly by in silence any longer: Amanda Lorber needs her own TV show...like, pronto.

MTV's The Paper is one of my favorite new shows on TV and it rocks for one reason and one reason only...and that's Ms "In Chief" herself. Everyone else on Cypress Bay High School's The Circuit staff is whiny, annoying and doltish, but ALorbs--she's a total star.

If you don't believe me, check out this brilliant performance of hers in which she sings the merits of using facebook over myspace.

Maybe she can go work at Jezebel or the New York Observer for a summer internship and you can spin that into a reality show? Or how bout this!?: a teen version of Beauty and the Geek?

Truthfully, I don't care what you come up with...just come up with something ASAP. For realz.

Amanda is my constant,
meeee

**Want more Amanda Lorber-ness?? Me too!

Dear Everybody: Monday Night TV Recap

Dear Everybody, ***

Gossip Girl:

• Meh
• Obvs, Chuck is going to be the gay one (how cool would that be!?)
• Touche, Jenny...way to come back from grand theft auto.
• Bonjour, Georgina!
  

The Hills:

• Holy Justin-Bobbyness!

The Paper:

• Amanda-n-Alex sittin' in a tree (fingers crossed!).
  
• Everyone else: Jealous much? Amanda DE-served the editor position so back the eff off and start acting like teenagers who aren't about to shoot a beatdown video!
• Amanda: your eyeglasses wardrobe is an inspiration to us four-eyed girls everywhere

You know you love,
me