Jamie Lynn Spears: You Make Those Idiot Teens Who Taped Themselves Beating Someone's Ass on Youtube Look Like Fulbright Scholars

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OH NO, you didn't!

DAYM.

Preggers!?

Again!??

A-L-R-E-A-D-Y?

If this is true, you are soo much stupider than I had previously even thought possible (which is no small feat, by the by). In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe your sissy Brit Brit engineered your ass in a lab and "grew you" in her closet just to get TMZ off her tail and make her look better.

Cuz, you're sort of making all that head shaving, mental institution stuff of Britney's look like this:



Le Sigh.

The best is, you're allegedly knocked up because you "didn't know you could get pregnant while you were breast feeding."

ZOMG.

Who is responsible for edu-ma-catin you about the birds-n-the bees? Bristol Palin? You could totes get better info by reading Forever by Judy Blume.

You need to be way un-stupider than you are.

good luck with that,
me.

UPDATE: JL says "leggo my preggo," i.e. baby NOT on board. Not sure what to believe here, but just tryin to get you bias the facts.

UPDATE to the UPDATE: A close family friend pinky swears that this shit is TRU and that JL is indeed with child. Everyone seems to be encouraging her to abort, but apparently the family is trying to buy some time. Verrry inneresting, no?

Yep, Jamie Lynne Spears & Co. Are All Still Idiots...and still love Wal-Mart

Dear Lynne Spears, *

So like I totally get that you're off promoting your stupid, exploitative book about your colasally effed up kids right now and probably don't have a lot of extra time on your hands, but...uhm... your 17-year-old daughter Jamie Lynne needs a lil' bit of your attention.

What with you 'Coming through the storm'-n-all, you might not have noticed that your son-in-law is like a regular ole Ansel Adams! Yep, he loooves snappin' pictures all the live long day.

Say Cheese!

Oh, and do you know what his fav-oh-rite thing in the world is to photograph? Jamie Lynn's tities!

Yay!

Yeah, so check this: Casey was taking all sorts of sexy pics of Jamie Lynn breast feeding, Jamie Lynn breast feeding again, and then Jamie Lynn breast feeding some more (that little Maddie must be hungry hungry hippos!). And then he decided to take all those pics of your 17-year-old famous daughter with her titties hangin' out to Wal-Mart! Like, to be developed.

Le sigh.

Isn't there something you should be doing here, Lynn? Like some sort of, I don't know, parenting technique that you could be applying so that shit like this doesn't go down on a weekly basis??

I mean, Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes her own fucking sonogram machine so that pics of their little Scientology spawn Suri would never hit the street. Don't you think you could at least spring for a color printer and some toner?? Maybe a pack of photo paper or two??

They sell that shit at Wal Mart!!!

Now the FBI is gettin' all involved cause JL is underage and these photos are considered child pornagraphy, and someone actually stole em' and yada, yada, yada.

These kids are not exactly doing a bang up job of playing house so far.

Do you think Brit Brit could spare Daddy Spears for a few days to come by and straighten shit out??

Jus sayin,
me.

I'm Bristol Palin, And I will FUCK YOU UP, Bitch...Levi is Allllll MINEZ!

Dear Lynesia (aka Slut on a stick), ***

It's Bristol, bitch.

I knew it was just a matter of time B4 you'd open up your big slutty mouth just like you did evereetime Levi asked you for a BJ (way back when before he realized that I was like a way better slut catch than your ass).

Well, surprise surprise...now you're tellin everyone who will listen that I stole my BFF's BF.

Stupid slut whore.

I can't believe I ever let your scrawny ass be my BFF...Like you deserve ME!?

Well, I've got some news for you: Bristol Ashleigh Crystal Palin is NOT gonna take this lyin' down, bia.

Dumbass ho.

Now that my mamz is fixin to win this whole fucking election for McOldy, looks like your slutty ass is lookin to cash in and steal some of my spotlight.

Back.

Off.

Bitch.

I mean, how dare you go out there and start spreading rumors about me-n-Levi!?

The truth of the matter is, we had sumthin going on long before u knew which way was up becuz I KNOW how to keeps a man. And like obvies Levi thinks I got it goin' on way more than he ever thought you did, cuz he never wanted to have a baby wiht you!!!

I'm not sayin he wanted to have one with me neether from the get go, but like after my mamz took down the gun from the rack and had that "talk" with him in the backyard right before my dad gave him a bloody nose, he was like VERY into it.

And now we're gettin' married! So there!

I win, you trashy, loud-mouthed skank.

And yeah, maybe I used to talk to your ass a lot about how you and Levi weren't really a good match....and maybe I was already sneaking out with him for a "seven minutes in heaven" sesh here or there during a school night kegger, but like so the fuck what! We had a connection that went way, way deep and when push came to shove (I'd like to shove your slutty face right into the fucking ground, you SLUT!), I realized that I needed to decide between a stupid lil tramp like yourself and a hockey God hottie like Levi...not zactly a tough one.

So here's how this shit is gonna work: you're gonna crawl back into the pathetic lil' hole your little slutty ass slutness came of, you're gonna keep your caribou hole shut the fuck up tightly and you're gonna go back to your lame ass little life being a Wasilla High dance troop groupie wannabe.

You can hang all the fuckin' pictures of me and Levi you want up in your pathetic slutfest of a little bedroom if you need to remind yourself of the hellfire that will be rained down upon you if you deviate from this plan, but you will never...and I mean NEVER dare to say my name or Levi's name again out loud.

Do NOT fuck with me LyLy, cuz you do not even know what sort of fire I like to play with nowadays (think: meth labs and ritual burnings).

Slutty, slut, slut, sluTT!

stupid slut,
me (Bristol Ashleigh Crystal Palin)

Gwen Stefani Popped Her Poodle: Zoinks, It's a Baby Zuma!

Dear Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale, *?

Unless you can skip way ahead in school and get your ass in class with Apple, you're pretty much fucked.

Welcome to the jungle,
me

p.s. you're a boy!? Ok, wow...

Wal-Mart to Jamie Lynn Spears & Maddie Briann: WHERE U BEEN, BITCHES???

Dear Jamie Lynn, **

I guess I'm not your "Holla Back" gurl anymore :(

LOL!!!!

JK, JL.

I know you've been busy with the baby and your baby daddy-n-all...and like also obvs at the gym based on these pics!

So I guess you haven't been able to write/call/text me as much, which is ok cuz like I've been really, really busy too with my acrylic nail technician classes and my Mary Kay internship, and also like that older Russian dude who I met on match.com who I've been e-chatting with.

Anyway.

You have to fill me on Maddie Briann! Is she like a lil diva in training? She must be so pretty and so preshus! I can't wait to give her the puffy fabric scrapbook I've been working on for her!!

And it's sooooooo cool that her first outing was a trip to Wal-Mart, cause I know that's like your home away from home. Also, its never to early to teach lil Maddie 2 shop till she drops!!!!!!!!!

LMAO!

The funny thing is, in that pic above I don't see Maddie Briann? It looks like you maybe forgot her in the store! Oopsie! Oh well...I'm sure someone found her in the Cheetos aisle and probs just brought her back out to you in the parking lot. No biggie.

Ok, little miss thang, I havta to get to my nail class so I'm gunna go. Kisses-n-hugs to Maddie & Casey!!!!!!

Holla back! :)
me

Brangelina Drops A Deuce: Welcome Jolie-Pitt Twinsies!

PLEASE NOTE: These are not the actual fucking twinsies, people. Who the frig do you think I am? God Almighty??

Dear Knox Leon & Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, *?

Fina-fucking-ly!

You two little mini baby bitches sure took your own sweet time making your entrance--very clever, of course. Not since, I don't know the American Idol finale (?), has the world been so glued to the edge of their seats waiting, hoping, wondering, "did they/or didn't they finally drop?"

Though you will, no doubt, be clamoring to crawl back into the peace and comfort of Mama Angelina's womb in the years to come, let me be the 1,023,443rd person to say: Welcome, Brange twinsies!

A few things to note:

*PHOTO SHOOTS: OK! Magazine has probably already got a shoot planned to for both your asses, so you might want to cleanse for the next few days, you know, just to get rid of all of your toxins. Stay away from carbs and plan to spend some serious time at the gym. For $15+ millies, you better look your fucking best.

*INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL & YOUR IMAGE: You guys better get your fucking passport photos, toot sweets. Mommy and Daddy like to jetset...a lot. And you do NOT want to be stuck at home with the fucking nanny brigade while mom, dad and the rest of your Brady Bunch brood are building schools in Africa-n-shit, simply because you did not fill out all of your paperwork properly. It's not gonna be easy to steal the spotlight from your other bros and sissies (Shiloh is already poised for supermodel status, Maddox is fucking hot and Pax and Z both have way better names than you do), so you bitches have gots to be in it to win it.

*SCIENTOLOGY = BAD: Try to keep your distance from the Cruises, the Smiths and the Beckhams...that Scientology shit is whack. Do NOT, under any circumstance allow your asses to be sent to Will & Jada's new scientology training camp private school.

*YOU ARE NOT FRENCH: Also, please understand that just cuz you were born in France, it does not mean that you are French. After you figure this out, please share this information with Johan & Francois from Real Housewives of New York City.

K so this is it guys...time to step up to the plate. You two little Brange mini me's are officially the most famous celebu-spawn in the history of Planet Earth.

Don't fuck this up, baby bitches.

Rattle my cage,
me

BREAKING: Brangelina Baby Bumpitty Bump Bump Photos On Dear Famous Asshole?! For Realz???

Dear Brange, **

As the world continues to ignore real life honest to gawd news items, such as the fact that we finally have a freakin Democratic presidential candidate (oh yeah, and he's Black); or that there was some major ass flooding this weekend all across the U.S. of A. that, like, killed some people; or that Steve Jobs is announcing Apple's new iphone today, ensuring all of the bitch ass chumps who have the first one feel lame, stupid, jealous and served, its time to pwn up to the fact that you two are pretty much the chief cause of all of this woo hoo.

The world has been on twinsies watch for several weeks now, and until you "deliver the goods," so to speak, we (as in the collective 'we') have no real hope of moving past this on to bigger, better and, likely, even more soul sucking sorts of things.

Word on the street is that you effers are likely going to get offers of up to $22 millies for the exclusive photos of your new little hot mamas, and I def do get that that is a lot of scratch. BUT, I also know that you two don't need a god damned penny of it and are probably busy right now stuffing your new double double's mattresses with the leftover cash from your $60 million ATM run to lease that tres 'Jolie' French castle.

So here's the dealio: I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but I think that I've come up with the single most brilliant strategy for dealing with this whole baby mama drama frenzy that would virtually ensure, once and for all, that you could stick it to the paps and the media like you've never stuck it to them before. Trust me when I say that this would go down in history as the biggest, baddest check mate move in celebrity canon (E!'s Most Shocking Celebrity Moments, pull out your little notepads right fucking now). Though your place in history is, granted, already pretty firmly entrenched, this would create an unsinkable, rock solid foundation that even those asshats over at Gray's Anatomy couldn't chip through.

Give exclusive rights to your new, sexy, double trouble baby photos to a completely unknown, poorly trafficked, non-entity blog like Dear Famous Asshole!

Hollah!!?? Is this brilliant, or is this brilliant?! Do you love it!?

I mean, come on. You know for a stone cold Steve Austin fact that this would s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y piss off every mother effer who ever screwed you guys over with a nasty photo, a full-o-lies story or a stalkerazzi moment from the time the two of you first swapped spit. It would be a benchmark moment in the history of media. You would be heroes to everyone: other bitter, thankless celebs who complain how hard it is to make bazillions and smile for the camera, the public at large, who will be spared both the expense and the embarrassment of buying an OK Magazine, and of course, all of the other unknown bloggers with their own poorly trafficked sites, and all of the insignificant fucks who ocassionally, but not often, follow them. You'd be virtually guaranteed another 2 to 3 lines in your Brangelina/Power Couple Wikipedia entry for this stunt, and best of all, you'd be doing a good deed for me too!

I get that we're not talking rebuilding homes for katrina victims or adopting children from third world countries sort of good deeds, but what about helping me to be the architect of MY own future, BRAD?? What about that?? Good deeds, like hookers, come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. and I'm just askin' for a little reverse affirmative action, just this one little ole time.

I understand that you'll probably need a day or so in order to submit this idea to the Brangelina thinktank advisory board, so please have at it. Then give me call if and only if you feel like making the history books with me.

Two babies are always better than one!

Honest to blog,
me

Mommy Boozin' And E Cups Suit You Well, Christina Aguilera

Dear Christina, **

Uhm...what the h-e-double hockey sticks is wrong with your skank ho ass!? I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure, drinking till you black out, acting like an A hole, vomiting in public and getting so trashed you need to be physically walked out of the bitch ass dive bar that's become your home away from home is no longer a favored parenting technique. Christ, Dina Lohan just won a Mother of The Year Award, so its not exactly like the bar has been set that high.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, your tits do look great post baby (E cup, you say?). You know who else thinks your hooters look totally a-w-e-s-o-m-e? And would probably love to be sucking on them right now? YOUR SON. You know, the four-month-old you keep leaving at home during your nightly booze binges? He called the Dear Famous Asshole headquarters earlier today and asked us to print his own DFA letter that went something along the lines of this:

Dear Mom,

Where are you?

I'm hungry.

Max Liron aka Yolkly

I think that pretty much says it all.

Anyway, I'm glad motherhood "makes you feel sexy" and comes to you "so naturally." It shows.

L'Chaim!,
m.e.

Baby Showers and Little Girls!? Oh My, Jamie Lynn Spears!

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OMFG, I just read that you are having a little girl! Sugar and spice and everything nice (LOL).

This is s-u-c-h AHmazing news...are you just over the moon?? And perfect timing and all with your shower this weekend! Esp since Brit Brit will be there :)

It will be so fun to have a girl, doncha think? You can teach her all about acrylic nails, crimp each other's hair and share your Hannah Montana CD's. You guys can swap clothes (or boyfriends! ROFL! JK...I totally know that you and Casey are together 4 ever ;) and teach her all about responsibility. It will be great.

I'm not sure if you started thinking about names yet, but I thought of a few that I wanted to pass along:
Krystal Khristina
Amber Alexis
Katelyn Tiffany or
Jamie Lynn Casey (wouldn't that be sooo cute?! Uhm, TOTES!)

Anyway, have a really amazing baby shower (don't forget to brush your hair!). Can't wait to see the pics of Brit puking into the bar-b-que and Casey brandishing his gun!!!! (ha!)

kisses,
me

P.S. Have you guys started decorating yet at the new place? Pottery Barn is having a killer sale!

Two Babies Are Totally Better Than One, Jennifer Lopez

Dear Jenny From the Block, **

Can I be the first to suggest "Double Trouble" as the title of your new reality show on TLC?

Way to come back from the cringe-worthy embarassment of naming your children totally boring and uninspired names.

Bessos,
me

Liberty, Mississippi is SOOO the Spot For You, Jamie Lynn Spears!

Amite County Courthouse, Liberty, MS

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OMG! I just read about how you and Casey are house hunting in Mississippi! That's so amazing!

I mean, I don't know much about Liberty, MS, but I bet its going to be the perfect spot for your little family. I just read on wikipedia that almost 19% of the people living there have college degrees! JL, that's soooo important! You're going to want your little boo to be around people who truly value the importance of an education, and it sounds like those people live in Mississippi! The population of Liberty is supposedly around 630 people...so if 19% have college educations, that means that almost 120 people there are def gonna be really, really smart! True, we don't know where the Libertarians went to college...and they probably included community college and maybe even home study courses, but who cares! You need to provide only the best for your little boo boo, and you're doin it grrrl!

Perez said you guys made an offer on a 3 bedroom house for, like $300,000! (do you have a connection with the number 3?! You should talk to a numerologist!). He also said that your new place is going to have marble floors and a game room---that is sooo cool JL! Maybe you can fit a go cart track in there!!

I also read that only 21% of the town of Liberty is living below the poverty line, so you guys are not going to stick out there at all. And when Brit Brit and the boys come to visit, they are going to feel so at home...I bet everybody there goes barefoot when they stop off at gas station bathrooms!

I'm including this great picture of the town's courthouse that I found: I hope you and Casey don't ever end up there!!!!

Congrats, JL....on everything!!

luv & hugs,
Me

p.s. I know being preggers must be sooo hard and I don't know if your doctor ever mentioned this to you (or if you go to the doctor?), but you're not really supposed to have a lot of caffeine. So maybe you should try Diet Doctor Pepper instead of the real thing?

Don't Listen to Anyone But Yourself, Jamie Lynn Spears!

photo: eonline.com

Dear Jamie Lynn,*

I was sooo happy to hear that you and your baby daddy got engaged! I can't say that I'm surprised. I mean, obvs you have a good head on your shoulders. Just because you guys are 16, that doesn't mean that you can't make it work. I can totally see that you and Casey are TLF, so back off all you haters!

And I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're going to be a great mom! With Brit Brit and Lynne as role models, there's no way you can go wrong. It makes me so angry when people say things like your kid is going to end up in rehab or in a sex video. I mean, WTF!?

This whole prenup thing is just ridick--I totally agree with you! When you have something as special as the love you and Casey share, there is NO reason to bother with any of that stupid stuff. When you guys say "I do," its sooo going to be 4 eva ;)

Jamie Lynn
+ Casey
2 Getha
4 Eva

Kisses,
Me