WHOA: Britney Spears' New Website Doesn't Suck!

Dear Brit Brit, ***

Congrats on the relaunch of your shiny, new website!

There's a certain symmetry here, right? New single, new bod, (new meds?) and new website.

Loves it!

So, I was krumping around on there and happened across your new blog! Of course, that's where I found some of the juiciest bits of Britney flavored Brit-tasticness I ever did see (i.e. the vid above).

I must confess: Tyler and Suzanne Foehr were so delightful, I'm semi-inspired to record my own "choreographed" routine for Womanizer, however:
*I'm not quite sure I gots the skillz to pay the billz
*I still have an eensy bit of dignity and self respect left

Anyway.

Aside from Tyler and Suzanne's dance-a-thon, my fave entry so far was the vid of you waving to the teenyboppers on the celebrity bus tour. Totally adorbs.

It's like official now: Britney's back, bitches.

Looking forward to way more delish Brit bits.

2 Legit 2 Quit,
me

Psst...Wanna See The Director's Cut of Britney Spears' 'Womanizer' Video? (Trust Me...You Do)

Dear Everyone, ***

I think maybe I should just give up and change the name of my blog to BRITNEYBRITNEYBRITBRITBOOBRITBRITOBAMABRITNEY dot blogspot dot com and just be done with it. I can't fucking help myself.

MTV's Buzzworthy blog just dropped a super hotty, hott Directors Cut video of Brit's new single "Womanizer" that's way better than the vid you bitches are sitting around waiting for on 20/20 right now.

In case its not clear, here's the main diff between the Director's Cut vid above and the one on TV tonight: NUDITY.

You likey naked Britney? Then clicky clicky and Njoy.

Happy weekend! Unless any more Spears family dramz drops before Monday (which is very fuckin possible), I'll catch you l00zers on the flip.

Womanize this, bitch,
me.

If Britney Spears Is 'Smart' Then The World's Financial Markets Will Fail...(Oh, Wait)

• MTV
• Music Videos
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• Entertainment News

Dear Britney, ***

TGIF.

At least it is now that I've read this little nugget. You've got a doc special comin out on MTVers!:

In the 90-minute exclusive documentary film, "Britney: For The Record,” Britney granted access to the award winning team at @radical.media to tell her side of the story in her own words. The film will not only give viewers a look into what it is truly like to walk in the shoes of one of today’s biggest musical icons, but behind-the-scenes access to everything from Britney recording her new album to preparing for her appearance on the “2008 MTV Video Music Awards,” and much more.

This bitch is allegedly gonna air on Sunday, November 30th at 10pm.

I for one, can't wait to hear how the destruction of your marriage, slash the shaving of your head, slash you thinking you're an uppity British chick and flashing your junk, slash you going stark raving mad and spending time in the hoo hoo house, slash you losing custody of your kids and having your daddy move back in with you and take over your life, was all just an overblown, overhyped stunt orchestrated by the LIBERAL, GOTCHA, JEW SCUM MEDIA (oh sorry...that was meant for a Sarah Palin post. My bad).

Anyway.

I'm soooo glad that that's all behind you. Really. I swear (there is NO sarcasm whatsoever in the preceeding sentence. I mean it, people!).

"don't call it a come back,"
mee

p.s. Thank GAH Jamie Lynn isn't preggo again, right!? Sheesh.

Jamie Lynn Spears: You Make Those Idiot Teens Who Taped Themselves Beating Someone's Ass on Youtube Look Like Fulbright Scholars

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OH NO, you didn't!

DAYM.

Preggers!?

Again!??

A-L-R-E-A-D-Y?

If this is true, you are soo much stupider than I had previously even thought possible (which is no small feat, by the by). In fact, I'm starting to think that maybe your sissy Brit Brit engineered your ass in a lab and "grew you" in her closet just to get TMZ off her tail and make her look better.

Cuz, you're sort of making all that head shaving, mental institution stuff of Britney's look like this:



Le Sigh.

The best is, you're allegedly knocked up because you "didn't know you could get pregnant while you were breast feeding."

ZOMG.

Who is responsible for edu-ma-catin you about the birds-n-the bees? Bristol Palin? You could totes get better info by reading Forever by Judy Blume.

You need to be way un-stupider than you are.

good luck with that,
me.

UPDATE: JL says "leggo my preggo," i.e. baby NOT on board. Not sure what to believe here, but just tryin to get you bias the facts.

UPDATE to the UPDATE: A close family friend pinky swears that this shit is TRU and that JL is indeed with child. Everyone seems to be encouraging her to abort, but apparently the family is trying to buy some time. Verrry inneresting, no?

Yesssssssss! Britney Spears Looks Fantastic! Fina-Fucking-LY!

Dear Brit Brit, ***

OH happy day!

You looked positively GORGE while visiting those kiddos in the Bronx.

Your hair!

Your makeup!

Truly. Lovely.

Yay for you (and phew for us!).

xoxo,
me

Britney Spears New Track Womanizer Makes Me Feel Like Watching The Presidential Debate!

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I really wanted to avoid any additional updates today in order to keep us all focused on the task at hand: praying that McCain fucks up colosally on tonight's debates (please, please, pretty please, Gawd!)

But, I didn't count on Brit Brit's single Womanizer dropping...cause that's just the sort of shit that simply can't be ignored.

Here's what I think:

Ok, maybe I'm just not used to hearing Britney's singing voice b/c its been so long...or maybe I'm just generally in a bad mood b/c my 401 is currently bleeding love, but as much as I want to love the shit out of this song, I kinda don't.

Le sigh.

I've already established that my musical taste pretty much sucks, so the bar is v. low already (just want to make sure no one is gonna accuse me of being a snobby, indie music devotee with ridiculously high standards. Never forget: I LOVED SoulDecision).

Was Brit's voice always this low and I just didn't notice? Me no likey. I def think she sounds her best in the song during the bridge when she's actually singing, as opposed to her breathy talking.

Having said that, I do admit that the tune is kinda catchy. I think I need to go listen to it 17 times in a row and see how I feel after that.

I'll report back.

boy don't try to front,
me.

UPDATE: I like it! Like really a lot! And it only took 6 listens...WOO HOO!

Yep, Jamie Lynne Spears & Co. Are All Still Idiots...and still love Wal-Mart

Dear Lynne Spears, *

So like I totally get that you're off promoting your stupid, exploitative book about your colasally effed up kids right now and probably don't have a lot of extra time on your hands, but...uhm... your 17-year-old daughter Jamie Lynne needs a lil' bit of your attention.

What with you 'Coming through the storm'-n-all, you might not have noticed that your son-in-law is like a regular ole Ansel Adams! Yep, he loooves snappin' pictures all the live long day.

Say Cheese!

Oh, and do you know what his fav-oh-rite thing in the world is to photograph? Jamie Lynn's tities!

Yay!

Yeah, so check this: Casey was taking all sorts of sexy pics of Jamie Lynn breast feeding, Jamie Lynn breast feeding again, and then Jamie Lynn breast feeding some more (that little Maddie must be hungry hungry hippos!). And then he decided to take all those pics of your 17-year-old famous daughter with her titties hangin' out to Wal-Mart! Like, to be developed.

Le sigh.

Isn't there something you should be doing here, Lynn? Like some sort of, I don't know, parenting technique that you could be applying so that shit like this doesn't go down on a weekly basis??

I mean, Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes her own fucking sonogram machine so that pics of their little Scientology spawn Suri would never hit the street. Don't you think you could at least spring for a color printer and some toner?? Maybe a pack of photo paper or two??

They sell that shit at Wal Mart!!!

Now the FBI is gettin' all involved cause JL is underage and these photos are considered child pornagraphy, and someone actually stole em' and yada, yada, yada.

These kids are not exactly doing a bang up job of playing house so far.

Do you think Brit Brit could spare Daddy Spears for a few days to come by and straighten shit out??

Jus sayin,
me.

Wow, Lynne Spears Might Actually Be More Annoying Than Elisabeth Hasselbeck

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Britney Spears, You Stomped On My Heart, Yet Again, With That Bullshit VMA Nonsense

Dear Brit, ***

I kind a feel a little bit like I did after that Gossip Girl ep last year when we found out that Serena totally did NOT kill anyone. Cause she made it seem like she did and everyone was acting like she did. And the CW built a whole ad campaign around the fact that she was maybe, probably, totally a murderer.

But she really didn't kill anyone...like, not even close.

And after the whole build up slash excitement over the announcement that you were opening the 2008 VMA's, coupled with the memory of that complete and total meltdown you had in front of our eyes last year, and also that leaked video of you maybe rehearsing something special, I started to think that you were ready to seriously wreck shit up.

And I was soooo excited.

Like, REALLY excited.

But. Holy. Freakin. Letdown.

I mean that stuff with Jonah Hill was kinda funny, but the rest of your "not to be missed" opening was like wha??

And the fact that won you three awards...for basically just making a fool out of yourself last year...made zero sense.

And also, your dress looked trashy...and your weave looked like shit.

I mean, Brit....come the fuck on with your hair and your Contrampo Casuals wardrobe already.

Le sigh.

I'm ready to love you again, Brit.

Why won't you let me??

You're [still] toxic-n-I'm slippin under f-a-s-t,
me

WTF, Britney Spears!? ARE YOU PERFORMING at Sunday's VMA's After All?

Video: Britney's Back!

UPDATE: Dreams. Officially. Crushed.

Dear Brit, ***

Uhm, sooo.....yeah.

This looks very much like a rehearsal.

For a performance.

Like a VMA performance.

!!!!!!

(and you look hottt, and this song fucking rocks!)

Sooo, is it?? Eventhough you said you WEREN'T performing???

I'm dying...literally D-Y-I-N-G with anticipation.

Please, pleez, pleez, please, please, PUH-LEEZ don't fuck this up.

Sunday, September 7th: MTV VMA's @9pm. C U there.

If you build it, they will come,
m.e.

Britney Spears to Open VMA's; HELLS YEAH, Bias!!

Dear Brit Brit, ***

You sneaky little minx.

I knew you couldn't possibly be avoiding Cheetos and ciggies just becuz--your ass was gettin ready for MTV's Video Music Awards!!

Here's where shit gets tricky: apparently you will NOT be performing, BUT this is still a performance that's "not to be missed."

Uhm.

Wow.

I'm still sort of reeling from the last time you fucked this up, so I think you need to get VERY fucking serious about not letting that happen again.

With that in mind, I've made a quick little checklist that you can use on September 7th to ensure that all your i's are dotted and all your t's are crossed before you hit the big stage. You do NOT want Rihanna's ass laughing at you again, so pay attention.

Brit Brit's Don't fuck up again at the VMA's checklist:

*Brush. Your. Weave - Ok, so you looked totally adorable in all of your little promos with VMA host Russell Brand. So I think you are pretty much already on board with this one, but just as a reminder: you NEED to look really, really good. Don't even worry about looking hot so much...I mean, hot would be fine, but that's when we can get into some troublesome areas like trashy outfits and bizarre shit like wearing a snake as a necklace. All that shit used to be fine for you back when nobody cared about Brangelina and your records were selling like hotcakes, but its a new day, honey. So, please...for the love of Gawd, make sure you are using a reputable hair person. AND makeup person. AND stylist for that matter. You can't have your hair and makeup lookin' all fine and then come out in some outfit that you and Jamie Lynn picked out at Wal-Mart.

*Be Funny - Honestly, this is the key to winning us all back. Now, I'm not gonna lie: this will be no easy task considering the crapfest that the VMA's have become over the past few years. But, you must! March your ass into the writers room, sit yourself down and just listen. After 15 mins or so, you should be able to identify the funniest motherfucker there. When you do, walk over to that sonofabitch, sit your ass down on his/her lap, and do not move until they've written you the kick ass monologue of the century (maybe you should bust out with some of your English accent stuff?? With Russell? Just sayin...).

*Step Up 2 the Plate - Ok, so shit's gotten a little crazytown over the past year...no biggie. The best way to handle that sitch is to acknowledge it and then move on. If you're srsly funny, this might not even come into play, but don't be afraid to really step up....like "Fuck you, motherfuckers! It's Britney, Bitch" style, but like way funnier.

*No Drugs/Booze - Just stay the fuck out of Amy Winehouse's dressing room.

*Surprise Us - Ok, so you are allegedly not performing. Whatevs. As disappointed as I was to hear that, its probably a good move on your part. You don't want to throw something together hastily, and if you're not feelin it then you're not feelin it. BUT, it would still totally rock if you did something shocking....or unexpected...or even a teeny tiny bit crazy. I mean, obvs "good crazy" is way different than crazy crazy, so this needs to be well thought out, of course, but it could be over the top fab.

Ok, so like that's it.

You're obvs a bazillionaire performer celeb, so you don't need anymore advice from my know-it-all ass.

Just remember that we are all really, truly, madly, deeply waiting for you to come back in a big ass fucking way. I mean, I'm literally chomping at the bit for it.

I will buy your albums. And watch your music videos. And would even consider watching you on another reality TV show, though hopefully you have people advising you NOT to do that sort of shit...but I'm just sayin'--I'd totally watch it.

You sooo can do this, Britney.

For reals.

C U on Sunday,
me

Britney Spears + Russell Brand + VMA Promo = Adorable-licious

Dear Britney, ***

OMFG!

I'm so excited I can barely type this bullshit out right now.

These MTV promos you shot with 2008 VMA host Russell Brand dropped today, and HOLY CRAP, Brit! You look absolutely A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E...and pretty...and so freakin sweet. Even your weave looks bangin!

I'm not feelin' the whole elephant in the room shtick (like at all), but its OK because its obvs that you are trying hard, and it was sorta a cute idea, and mostly its just sooooo great to see you not looking like a two bit whore/insane person/crackhead/white trash skank! SOOOOO great!

And this whole thing--like with you wearin' lipgloss-n-shit and lookin all cute for the first time in god knows how long--it just reminded my ass that its time for you to get onto the fucking comeback trail already.

For realz.

I know you probs aren't gonna perform at the VMA's after the epic catastrophe that went down last year, but even if you're just swingin by to show your face, can you please, please, please promise me that you will let someone do your goddammed hair? AND your freakin makeup? And that you'll wait to take your oxycontin/xanax/valium/whatever until AFTER the show instead of before?

Pretty please, Brit? With cheetos on top??

SYTYCD is over, and the stupid Olympics R on, and the Montauk Monster was fake, and we still don't have an official 2008 summer jam, so we could all just really use a pick me up, ya know?

Kiss Madonna again if you have to...I don't really give a shit. Just make it work, K?

crazy for you,
m.e.

Britney Spears to Sean Preston: 'You Gotta Light, Son??'

Dear Sean Preston, *?

Good for you!

Ok, so you're only two, but so the fuck what?

It doesn't mean that your ass gets a pass on thinking ahead about the sort of shit that's gonna really make you tru cuil kids material.

And as we all know, smoking = cool.

You'll soon come to discover that being popular is like a really intense game of Jenga, but like way harder. And let's not beat around the bush here: with the Brangelina brood on the scene, Lourdes inching her way into hott territory, and Will Smith's kids already looking like they're ready to throw the fuck down with anyone who crosses their path, you don't exactly have a straight shot to the VIP list at Les Deux right now.

So, right on dude (!)...way to keep your eyes on the prize. Obvs, its best to get this party started as early as possible, and you like t-o-t-a-l-l-y get that shit.

The Marlboro Lights were def a great start, but luckily for you your mamz can hook you up with all sorts of other shit that literally screams cool:

*Ciggies (obvies)
*Jaeger
*Weed scrips
*Ex
*Mike's Hard Lemonade
*Brazillian Diet Pills (for your future pussy possee)
*Horse Tranqs
*Coke (sniff sniff, not slurp slurp)
*Ativan
*Jonas Brothers tix
*etc

So, in summary: your enthusiasm rocks, SP. I'd say your future looks pretty fuckin' bright.

Let's plan to go over rehab, tatoos, DUI's, sex tapes, Kaballah and/or Scientology in our next lesson (like when ur three).

too cool for school,
m.e.

Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Brangelina, And Espesh Ashley Simpson, Tune The Eff In: An Open Letter To All Celebrities

Dear all y'all, *

This latest Ashlee Simpson bullshit is a prime example of exactly why we hate most of you mother effers these days.

This bitch has been barefoot and pregnant for months now, and everybody and their brother knew it. Yet, deny, deny, deny. That guyliner wearing musician she's married to...what's his fucking name? Pete Wentz? A couple of weeks ago, he was all: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood." Right. How bout: no witch hunt dude...just your skinny ass wife mysteriously gettin fat.

Yeah, the paps are crazy and chase you and shit for pics, but that's why you get paid millions and millions and millions of dollars. This way when you crash your car after an evening of speed racer with Adnan Ghalib, you can easily hit up the ATM, take out 75k and be rollin' with your new S Class for your Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf run the following morn. And WTF is up with that need to hide from the photogs anyway?? Take ten minutes, pose for a freakin' photo and be on your way to yog-a-lates class, Homes.

And don't E-V-E-N front like you're not readin' all those fuckin tabs every week, just like the rest of us wannabees. I gah-ron-tee your asses that this is what 99% of your morning routines look like, down to a motherfuckin tee:

1. Wake up
2. Jack off
3. Watch Tivo'd eps of TMZ in bed
4. Down 2 wheatgrass shooters that your personal asst just picked up from the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson
5. Take a shit while reading Us Weekly, Star and OK! Magazine
   
6. Head over to your Black Macbook
7. Google yourself
8. Read Page Six
9. Read Perez Hilton
10. Read Defamer
    
11. Read Dlisted
12. Read Just Jared
13. Read Pink is the New Blog
    
14. Read Dear Famous Asshole (heh...ok, probs not but everyone deserves a dream, you asshat).

And by the way, which is it?? Do you want your privacy or not? Because if so, you best get that memo to Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears and your PR peeps, and your studio and everyone else who leaks shit about where you be every freakin minute of the day. See that's how more pictures with your ass in em get sold to more magazines. But, you'd never do that, would you, because you like it when you like it...and that's most of the god damned time.

Where there's smoke there's usually fire. I'm not sure who came up with that shit, but its tru.

Word on the street was that Ashelee was with child. Her stomach was poochy. She got engaged and married within a month. We alll did the mother fuckin math. And now she and King Kohl make their announcement just like it ain't no thang.

Listen up celebs, and listen hard. Your deal with the devil has been made...your privacy is gone. That shit is dead and buried. If you're a bazillionaire like Oprah or Brange or any number of you other fools, than you made a pretty good fuckin' deal. So pleez, shut your face, smile for the camera, admit shit when its true, and just freakin' deal with it. You're pwned now.

Sheesh.

me

@Britney Spears: I Guess Costa Rica Was Not Exactly the Pick Me Up We Were Hoping For

Dear Brit, **

1. Looks like suhm-buddy forgot to put on her sunblock during her Costa Rican getaway with Mel "I hate those effin' Jews" Gibson.
   
2. Mrs. Roper called...she wants her dress back.
3. Your pleather, sparkle pink purse is notable, both for the fact that it does not match your whore-endous, ill fitting gettup one lick AND because it looks like it totally came from Perez Hilton's cutting edge new line with Hot Topic (leave it to you to always be on top of the trends!)
4. As per U, your weave still looks like its allergic to your head...and your brush.

Tweet,
M.e

Britney Spears, You're Un-Be-Weaveable

photo: just jared

Dear Brit, **

I do realize its odd for me to be friend matchmaking when I don't really know either one of you, but have you ever met my fake friend Jessica Simpson? She used to be on a super popular reality show on MTV about her and her husband that I believe you and KFed tried to copy with Chaotic (well what do you know...hindsight is 20/20! Holy foreshadowing of the ginormous mess your life was about to become, LOL!).

Anyhoo, I just thought that you and Jess might really hit if off. I mean, you are both in the midst of a C list phase thing after your celebrity statuses simultaneously took a nose dive off a cliff into the deep, fiery pits of an erupting volcano. But the similarities don't stop there!

*you're both nice southern girls, y'all!
*you're both former fake virgins
*you both love fried chicken and all other manner of fried foods
*you're both singers...kind of
*and you both have formerly unknown sisters that are now more famous and well-liked than you are (hey Ash and Jamie Lynn!)

If you two were on eharmony, I totally think you would be matched up! ROFL!

Anyway B, I'm actually really hoping that Jess can help you out a scooch with your hair. I haven't mentioned anything to you in awhile, I know, but after seeing this picture of you above I actually yuked all over my computer keyboard (note: if that ever happens to you, do NOT try to use those compressed air cans to clean it out--it doesn't work very well).

I did notice that your acrylic nails were all french manicured up the other day and you were wearing some cute berry stained lip gloss, so it seems like you're tryin' to get your pretty on again. But Brit Brit, you're weave is lookin' so over the top nasty, both Amy Winehouse AND Whitney Houston have contacted me separately to let me know how totally skeeved out they are by it. You look like a garbage pail kid :(

So, that's why I want to hook you up with Jess--she has a whole line of fake hair with that celebrity hairdresser dude Ken Paves!

CALL THEM B!

I just know that they could get you from blech to bipolar babe in no time at all!

Think about it, K?

Text,
Me
Now

Baby Showers and Little Girls!? Oh My, Jamie Lynn Spears!

Dear Jamie Lynn, *

OMFG, I just read that you are having a little girl! Sugar and spice and everything nice (LOL).

This is s-u-c-h AHmazing news...are you just over the moon?? And perfect timing and all with your shower this weekend! Esp since Brit Brit will be there :)

It will be so fun to have a girl, doncha think? You can teach her all about acrylic nails, crimp each other's hair and share your Hannah Montana CD's. You guys can swap clothes (or boyfriends! ROFL! JK...I totally know that you and Casey are together 4 ever ;) and teach her all about responsibility. It will be great.

I'm not sure if you started thinking about names yet, but I thought of a few that I wanted to pass along:
Krystal Khristina
Amber Alexis
Katelyn Tiffany or
Jamie Lynn Casey (wouldn't that be sooo cute?! Uhm, TOTES!)

Anyway, have a really amazing baby shower (don't forget to brush your hair!). Can't wait to see the pics of Brit puking into the bar-b-que and Casey brandishing his gun!!!! (ha!)

kisses,
me

P.S. Have you guys started decorating yet at the new place? Pottery Barn is having a killer sale!

What Goes Vroom Vroom In The Night? Britney Spears

photo: dListed

Dear Brit,**

I know you've had a rough time of things recently, so I'll skip over your new raunch-a-riffic weave, your cowboy boots, your cracked out friends/star fuckers, your perma tan, and your skin regime (or lack thereof), so that we can just get straight to the real matter at hand: your driving.

I totally get that you don't like your daddio all up in your grill. And I GET that its nice to do your own thing and not have to ask permission to go get a coffee (i.e. instigate a paparazzi frenzy...wink wink) at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Sunset, or go rent a room at the Peninisula for who knows what bizarre reason (and then immediately check out), but WHY oh w-h-y are you still driving? Your car accidents occur so often, they're a bit of a challenge to keep track of.

What's the deal, B?? Just say "NO" to the wheel.

Or here's an idea: maybe you and Lindsay Lohan can go halvsies on a driver?

Just a thought.

Text,
Me