Thursday, September 25, 2008

ClayMates R People 2

Dear Claymates, **

I know that the news of your beloved chanteur's proclivity for peen likely has many of you in quite a kerfuffle.

In fact, according to reports, you're all going fucking ballistic...but WHO CAN BLAME YOU??

You have been viciously and egriously lied to and, for what its worth, there really is no acceptable excuse for your horrible mistreatment.

Based on the comments in the fan forums, it seems that most of you are feeling:

  • lost
  • alone
  • hurt
  • confused
  • abandoned
  • mislead
  • turned on
  • distraught
  • angry
  • hott-n-bothered
  • sad
  • mad

My heart truly goes out to each and every one of you as struggle through this difficult time and attempt to find your peace with it all.

When something like this happens, its hard not to take stock and begin to examine those "bigger picture" life issues such as: who am I? What is my purpose in life? What will my legacy be?

Sometimes, when gut wrenching, earth shattering events like this take place, we realize that these are just the sorts of things we need to happen in order to give ourselves a quiet reminder that we're all in this crazy thing called life together, ya know?

It's almost as if gawd almighty is reaching down his powerful, Jesus loving hand as if to say: "hey buddy...I know this is hard, but it will all be ok, mkay?"

You see, I too have been the victim of a carefully orchestrated and truly horrendous misuse of my own trust and unwavering dedication. I have been lied to, purposely mislead and ultimately the one person in the world I least expected to treat me like this.

I'm speaking, obvies, of Britney Jean Federline Spears.

You see, I BELIEVED Britney when she told us all that she was a virgin way back when. I supported her as she committed to a faith-based relationship with Justin Timberlake and even DEFENDED her when her purity was called into question and she swore up and down that her hymen was most definitely in tact.

I believed her and I believed IN her...that's like a really, really big deal (as you all know!).

Now, of course, hindsight is 20/20 and now we all know the disgusting, sordid truth: in between her "I swear, I'm a virgin, ya'll!" assurances, she was getting fucked up the ass by Justin while twin dwarfs stood by watching, snorting cocaine and pleasuring each other. Or something like that.


The details are not important, but the resulting personal fallout is: I. Was. Betrayed.

And I've literally been to hell and back since trying to make heads or tails of it all.

So, I know EXACTLY what you're all going through now that Clay Aiken has revealed his despicable, deplorable, hateful lie.

And I know it a bitch.

But we all need to get really real now:

Clay is gay.


Clay's gay.

Clay sucks cock.


It almost seems weird typing out those words on my keyboard. Like, how could this even be true? What sort of crazy mixed up world could we all be living in where something like this would even be allowed to happen!?

Well my little mates of Clay, speaking from personal experience, I know better than anyone that the only way to truly find your way out of something as hideous and vomit-inducing as this is to move on and to move on quickly. I mean, Clay's a homosexual, so obvs you can't like him anymore. [Gays deserve the same treatment as Jews, Blacks, Mexicans, and the liberal media...sorry, game over (LOL!)].

But then you're forced to deal with a bigger and more challenging issue: what do you do with all of the love, dedication and devotion that you previously had in your heart for Clay? Because that love, dedication and devotion needs to go somewhere people, and I for one won't stand by and watch as its whisked away down a river of homosexual debauchery and salaciousness.

But, don't worry!

I'm so on the case!

In fact, I've looked at this problem from every conceivable angle! I've analyzed the details, considered every possibility and mathematically modeled every potential outcome. And, luckily for each of you, I have the p-e-r-f-e-c-t solution:

The Jonas Brothers


you're totally welcome!!!

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