I Thought Jail Was Only For Socialites and Pantyless Actresses, Naomi Campbell

Dear Naomi,*

I totally cut you some slack a few years back over the whole assistant mishap, becase HELLO. We've all been there. I've had 4 assistants myself and though I didn't follow your lead with the phone beatdown, I did beat two of them over the head with a grill pan and a third with a particularly thick September Bazaar (the 4th one was deported), so buh-lieve me, I know its hard to find good help these days. True, when you threatened to throw your next assistant out of a moving vehicle, I did think that *may* have been a bit over the top, but since you didn't actually go through with it, I thought "hmm...aint no thang." It's haaard being a supermodel, after all.

I was pretty impressed (in a big sister torture kinda way) with how you made Tyra Banks' life a living hell when she was younger. If we're all being truthful, I think most of us would admit to fantasizing about how we might torture Tyra ourselves if given the chance. But you eventually stepped up to the plate on her show and that made me completely forget about how you tried to beat your next assistant silly with a Blackberry Pearl.

But hold the phone, sista (no pun intended). On the CNN crawl during Anderson Cooper 360, I just saw that you've just been arrested a-g-a-i-n for flipping the fuck out at Heathrow Airport and spitting in a police officer's face after one of your bags was lost.

Noni, you've gots to chill out girl...for realz. Aside from these bi-monthly beatdowns, you have nothing going on, and therein lies the crux of your problem. You've gots to stay busy, girl. Heidi has Project Runway, Nikki has Make Me a Supermodel, Tyra has America's Next Top Model, Janice had her own freakin' modeling agency and all you've got is a bail bondsman. Elizabeth-freakin-Berkley has her own show! Which of these ex-supermodels is NOT like the others? Get yourself a crappy reality show already. What the Christ is wrong with you??

Talk to your agent. Seriously.

Tsk Tsk,
Me

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