Thursday, May 8, 2008

Britney Spears, You're Un-Be-Weaveable

photo: just jared
Dear Brit, **

I do realize its odd for me to be friend matchmaking when I don't really know either one of you, but have you ever met my fake friend Jessica Simpson? She used to be on a super popular reality show on MTV about her and her husband that I believe you and KFed tried to copy with Chaotic (well what do you know...hindsight is 20/20! Holy foreshadowing of the ginormous mess your life was about to become, LOL!).

Anyhoo, I just thought that you and Jess might really hit if off. I mean, you are both in the midst of a C list phase thing after your celebrity statuses simultaneously took a nose dive off a cliff into the deep, fiery pits of an erupting volcano. But the similarities don't stop there!

*you're both nice southern girls, y'all!
*you're both former fake virgins
*you both love fried chicken and all other manner of fried foods
*you're both singers...kind of
*and you both have formerly unknown sisters that are now more famous and well-liked than you are (hey Ash and Jamie Lynn!)

If you two were on eharmony, I totally think you would be matched up! ROFL!

Anyway B, I'm actually really hoping that Jess can help you out a scooch with your hair. I haven't mentioned anything to you in awhile, I know, but after seeing this picture of you above I actually yuked all over my computer keyboard (note: if that ever happens to you, do NOT try to use those compressed air cans to clean it out--it doesn't work very well).

I did notice that your acrylic nails were all french manicured up the other day and you were wearing some cute berry stained lip gloss, so it seems like you're tryin' to get your pretty on again. But Brit Brit, you're weave is lookin' so over the top nasty, both Amy Winehouse AND Whitney Houston have contacted me separately to let me know how totally skeeved out they are by it. You look like a garbage pail kid :(

So, that's why I want to hook you up with Jess--she has a whole line of fake hair with that celebrity hairdresser dude Ken Paves!


I just know that they could get you from blech to bipolar babe in no time at all!

Think about it, K?


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