Dear Oliver, ***
Uhm, you are so not pulling your weight around here.
I buy you gourmet food, take you to the doggie dermatologist, hire you sitters and speak with a freakin' animal communicator and all you've got for me is a developed "sit" and "down" routine?
Dude, this fish can do the fucking limbo. Are you hearing' me??? He's a FISH! He also plays roundball, soccer and slaloms. He probably composed a symphony last week and built a school for starving children in Africa for all I know.
You drool, eat, crap and bark like a champ, fer sure, but when I see Comet bendin' it like Beckham, I can't help but feel a little disappointed in you.
Unfortunately, I just called the R2 Fish School and they are not accepting dogs at this time. I put your name on the waiting list and will cross my fingers and hope for the best. In the meantime, you might want to start thinking about some ways you could potentially step up to the plate a bit more around here. Vacuuming and Karate might be some good places to start. It's really up to you.
Love is Ruff,