Friday, May 2, 2008

Tom Cruise and Oprah: A Match Made In Xenu

Dear Tom, *


After watching your interview with the big O, I feel all icky inside. Kinda like I need a shower.

Telluride is very pretty--I'll give you that. But you were just weird and creepy and had a very bad haircut goin' on.

It was super interesting hearing you talk about that opening scene in Risky Business--and how it literally changed the course of your life. Especially when Op moved right on to ask you about the "couch incident"--which also sorta changed the course of your life. Like, for the way worse.

I actually felt bad for Oprah, because the awkwardness between you two was palpable. And dude. You were a little over-the-top with the you "WERE EGGING ME ON" tirade regarding your couch gymnastics routine. Come needed no egging. You know it and I know it, so put your freakin' omlette pan away.

And can one of the higher-ups from your whacko religious militia please explain to me why the EFF I have a better chance of getting a quick explanation regarding the concepts behind quantum physics or the easiest way to to perform open heart surgery than I do to this very simple question: WHAT IS SCIENTOLOGY?! Haven't you people ever heard of an "elevator pitch?" Here's some totally free PR advice Tommy (I pray you are not still getting any from your sister): If you don't want people making up stories and constantly criticizing you, stop being Mr. Mysteriouso about the whole thing.

Also, we all read right through the BS that you and Nicole were BFF and your whole family was like one big Brady Bunch lovefest. I'm guessing its more like Celebrity Deathmatch than it is the Brady's.

Anyhoo, just wanted to send you a quick note to say that I still hate your guts! And that I'm looking forward to Part II of your freakshow interview.

Theta Hater,

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