You Used To Be My Favorite Lez, Jackie Warner. But Now...mmm...Not So Much

Dear Jackie, *

We've been growing apart lately--have you felt it too?

Just to give you a bit of history, at the end of last season I thought you were: hot, ripped, totally fuckable, hot, fun, a great leader, hot and completely effed up when it came to emotional relationships and family issues. Now after a few short months, I think you're: annoying, whiny, immature, n'hot hot, sportin' a pooch, narcissistic, a bitch ass ho, misguided in your commitment to that horrendous haircut, misguided in your commitment to that whore-endous 25-year-old bartender GF and completely effed up when it comes to emotional relationships and family issues. So its pretty much been like the Indy 500 up in this motherfucker, but instead of racing around the track, I was actually racing from "You're the coolest fucking Lez I've ever loved...rock on witch your bad self" to "I find watching you more painful than oral surgery...please don't ever show your Lougar (i.e. Lesbian Cougar) face on my tee vee again."

Fucking metaphorical to the max, riight?

This hatred--It's sort of been like a curious little puzzle that's been twisting its way through my brain since Work Out season 3 began. So I thought it might be helpful--you know, for both of us--if I tried to deconstruct the texture of my disdain for you point by point. It might bring us closer together, or (let's face it, more likely), make you hate me more than Brian Peeler or that bitch you made fun of who had breast cancer. But, after much consideration, it's a chance I'm willing to take, so let's get started!

• You've changed Jackie---for realz.: I know this is a lame opener, but its its just so freakin' true. Personally, I blame Briana as its clear she's like those Dementors in Harry Potter--you know, those dudes who literally suck the lifeforce out of your body whenever you're in their presence. That's what your GF is like and, as a friend, I've gots to say that it consistently creates a pretty lame ass vibe. I mean, shit, Mimi was out of her fucking M-I-N-D, but at least that bitch made for some good TV. It just seems like you're now so wrapped up in telling the story of: "I'm so happy! We're made for each other! This is what true love feels like!" that the rest of the Jackie Warner I used to know and love has just disappeared.

• Snow White & The 7 Dwarfs: Do you stare into your miror every day and do that whole "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all" routine? Cause sista, it kind of seems like it. I get that you're in charge, and you're the boss and blah, blah, blah, but is it necessary to remind us of that every ten minutes? I mean, I watch your lame ass show, so I get that clearly people dig you, but all roads do no lead back to Jackie Warner land. Energy bars and power drinks and weight loss camps and videos and workout gear...I GET IT. Chillax.
  

• See Above: Speaking of work out gear, I gotta say, I'm with Greg Plitt on this one: your shit sucks...like, a lot. I fully admit that my ass hasn't seen a treadmill since Nam, but just look at yourself in that picture above. All you'd need is some pink hair and a pacifier around your neck and you'd look like some tweaked out Raver begging for money on Venice Beach to get your ass to Burning Man or somethin'. I can get way nicer crap at Forever 21.
  

• Cancer ain't funny:...at least not the way you played it. And can that ho get an apology up in here or somethin? Blamin' it all on your office manager and shit? Weak.
  

• Rebecca: OK, Rebecca annoys the shit out of me too, but still--you're kinda being a dick to her after you dyked her up like that. Lez em and leave em--s'pose that's your new motto.

I don't know bout you, J'Warn, but it def felt good to get this off my chest. I wonder what Dr. Shirley would think?

I'm not gunna lie, I've reached a point where I sorta just wanna get your ass off the airwaves so that we can make room for Jeff Lewis and espesh his adorable assistant Jenni on Flippin Out. Your Tues night buzzkill is, quite frankly, a shituation I can handle no more.

No hard feels tho, right?

Rock your body,
meee

Related Posts by Categories