Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Hills Premiere, S4:1 - 'Things Have To Get Worse Before They Get Better,' Bias

Dear Everyone, ***

We will sooo never be friends, bitches, but I'm gonna break this shit down for you anyway because that's how I roll.

So, obvs a Happy Birthday, Audrina is way overdue.

I LOVED how the pink mohawk, weirdly pierced, hipster crew invaded LC's Bev Hills bungalow for this totally insincere party that LC (and Lo?) threw for her. You just know that Audrina was out on Melrose a few hours before, rounding up weirdos by the dozens to come over just so she could freak LC and Lo's asses out. She probably didn't even know any of those people.

I think one of my fave things about this show, and like def something that keeps me coming back, is that there are constantly these moments that take place where the girl's reactions are completely confusing and mind bending based upon the action we just saw.

Case in point: the moment (at 2:52 above) during Audrina's faux bday party when Lo asks Audrina who she invited, and after a JustinBobby shout out Lo says: "welll...we're just gonna have to enjoy the company that comes." Both Audrina and LC proceed to have this like 30 second reaction where they stare her down and give her the evil eye. Audrina storms out and LC continues to give her the stink eye for an add'l 10 seconds or so.

I refuse to believe that I'm too fucking stupid to understand the multi-layered inner workings of The Hills, so can someone please explain to me WTF all that meant? Both those bitches reacted as if Lo had said "well, you're a low down dirty whore and I can't believe that anyone would actually be friends with you," or "I hope you and your entire family die a horrible, bloody death...fuck you AND your birthday" Hello!? What was that??

Doug, LC's new BF, was also fan-fucking-tastic! I loved how Lauren was so concerned about not having enough time to "catch up on FOUR YEARS!!" over dinner and then completely ignored him at Audrina's bday party...the one she had gone out of her way to invite him to...and claimed that she knew no one at. Yeah, that one.

The best of the best of the ep, tho, was clearly at the very end when Lo, per LC's very clear instructions, went to confront Audrina and "smooth things out" between them. In actuality, she acted like a whiny little c u next Tuesday, and passive agressively prompted Mz. Audrina into finally bursting out with: "we're never gonna be friends!" Lo scampered away with her tail between her legs, and I squealed with glee. Audrina 1, Lo Nada.

Spencer and Heidi were also in rare form, as per u. Heidi's sister looks poised to present us all with a whole nother level of ridiculous Speid-eriffic mayhem as she makes plans for her totally spontaneous move to LA (which I'm sure has NOTHING to do with the fact that said move to LA would ensure her ass a bit part on her pathetic sister's MTV reality show).

As for spencer, he can just go suck it. I'm not even wasting any add'l keystrokes on the King of all Douches, except to say: "I hope you and your entire family die a horrible, bloody death."

JK, Spence.

Sort of.


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