I'd Like To Fill Up My House With A Tall Glass of You, Dave Coulier

Dear Dave Coulier, **

I owe you like a really big apology.

Not that I think about you much or anything, but it has happened a few times over the years--mostly during an Olsens Twins reminiscence or a convo with someone about the coolest possible last names (obvs, Coulier = cuil).

Anyway.

So, I owe you this apology because for all this time I've thought of you as this washed up, whiny, annoying douchetard. Not quite as annoying as Saget, but annoying nonetheless. That cutesydoofygoofy type humor that you perfected on Full House is, without a doubt, my least favorite flavor of funny, so that def didn't help matters for you-n-me...like at all.

But as it turns out, I had this shit A-L-L wrong: you're a muthafucking playa, playa!

You were the inspiration for Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know" jam!? The one that pretty much became THE anthem for that early 90's grrl power movement?? That song???

Whoa.

That bitch was pissed off at your ass...and she rocked out for years all over the freakin world singin about how you broke her wittle bitty hawt into a thousand and one pieces. And then stomped on it. And then, for kicks, took a piss on it.

Well, I'm pickin up what she's puttin down Mr. Couli-o, and I'm very much likin your flava.

It doesn't take an undercover brutha like Julia Childs to puzzle this shit out. As far as I'm concerned, it all pretty much points to one thing and one thing only: you were givin that honey some serious deep dickin.'

"And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive"

Ouch.

"Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?"

Daym! Even I feel that shit.

You clearly done gone and wrecked her shit up so badly that she didn't even know which way was up. And that sort of low down and dirty mind fuck requires some serious motherfuckin ninja-like talent, Mr. Couli-hott, so you've like obvs got the skills to pay the bills.

[And also you got Alanis to go down on you in a movie theater!? Dude, color me impressed. I could totally see a chick doing that shit for Stamos, but you? Mad props].

Anyway, so like from the bottom of my heart, I really am sorry. I had you grouped in with Danny Bonaduce-n-shit and that just ain't right (you're way more in like the Rob Lowe/David Caruso league).

Srsly.

So, uhm...call me some time if you're ever in the market for a new Couli-Ho.

"cut it out" (not),
me

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