Monday, August 4, 2008

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Are a Comin'...And It's Gonna Be G-O-O-D, Bitches

Dear Real Housewives of Atlanta, ***


I just watched the preview for your shiny, new Bravo TV show and you bitches fuckin d-e-l-i-v-e-r-e-d.

Now, I'm a hardcore RHoNYC devotee, so I'm not abandoning my No. 1 homegirls just yet, but I already like you bia's way better than the Orange County spray tanned ho hos.

And I'll tell you somethin else: if I was a rich Black bitch, I would get my ass to Hotlanta tout de suite. It's like the Black Beverly Hills all up in there but with way more space. I don't blame you lovelies one freakin' bit for stayin behind those big iron gates in your little suburban enclaves...who the eff would ever wanna leave?--espesh when your ass is libel to get all shot up in the clubs with ur dubs, etc.

Ok, here are my initial thoughts:

[sidenote: Wow, rich black chicks are NOT into boob jobs. Not sure why I never picked up on this before, but its kind of fascinating--espesh since that's like the first stop white chicks make the minute they've got some benjis in the bank. All these ladiez look completely ginuine...except for the white one, of course].

Lisa Wu Hartwell: Ok, so he're we've got our real estate broker/baby clothes designer/screenwriter/producer/jewelery designer (Wu Girls Jewelry!)/gym rat/artist who's clearly gonna be the know-it-all of the group. She seemingly has all of these businesses so that she can star in her own ad campaigns, oh and also because she's stacking "hyper." She's married to linebacker Ed Hartwell and she and her hubby are exercise fanatics, as evidenced by her weird-ish body builder bod, but like no judgment mama cause I can dig.

NeNe (pronounced Nee Neee, ohhhh kaaaay???) Leakes: Holy. Ghetto. Fabulousness. NeNe is, hands down, my fave housewife...homegirl likes to tell it like it is and she doesn't give a shit who's listening. She's married to some old dude named Gregg who doesn't let her eat carbs, and she uses words like "stable" to describe their relationship as she flashes her 10 carat diamond ring back and forth on screen, so I think we can all connect the dots on that one. This chick is all about the dramz and, I swear, if she doesn't get into a physical altercation with someone on the show by the end of the season, I will personally pay every single one of you bitches reading this right now one million dollars.

DeShawn Snow: Not sure what her game is yet, but if I need help figuring it out I can probs check in with her Estate Manager, Head Maid, Chef, Maid Crew, Governess, Driver or Nanny for some clarification. She's married to Eric Snow of the Cleveland Cavaliers and though I know nothing at all about sports, apparently they're doing pretty fuckin well since her house is the size of my entire apartment building. Oh, and also they've been building said dream house for two years and she never bothered checking anything out until it was all done, so stay tuned for those "hey, I thought there was supposed to be a bathroom down here in the roller rink!?" or "we were suppos'd to have 19 bedrooms, not 17!" moments that I'm sooo looking forward to.

Sheree Whitfield: Here's our soon-to-be divorced housewife who's holding out for a seven figure settlement deal. Of course, she's working on her own clothing line (I'm guessing that ALL these chicks are working on either their own clothing or jewelry line) that she's calling She by Sheree, natch. She got the least amount of screen time so far, so she's either boring or boring, but it does seem like she has a cat fight with NeNe brewing in the season previews, so I'm not writin' her off just yet.

Kim Zolciak: Here's our token white housewife who within the first five mins of showing her face on my flatscreen, dropped these priceless little nuggets: "I'm very makes me feel good to have name brands...I don't want anything else. I can die tomorrow, but I'm gonna die wearing Dior." She's dating some rich, reculsive bazillionaire named "Big Papa" who never shows his face and only communicates with her Charlie's Angels style, cause like of course his real wife and family prob wouldn't appreciate knowing that he's fucking some country music singer wannabe on a reality TV show. Not surprisingly, she's BFF with NeNe and obvs that's gonna = trouble in future eps. Oh, and also she can't seem to stop winking at me us and then sticking her tongue out.

All I can say is, goddamn you, Bravo, for previewing this mofo a full month before the show actually debuts. Cause now I am countin the motherfuckin' days like a kid in sleepaway camp with one of those lame ass toilet paper "calendars" where you tear off one sheet each day until visiting day finally arrives.

I am officially ob'd.

Wu Girls,

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Atlanta Cougar said...

I live in Atlanta and have never heard of any of these women. Sheree had a store which didn't stay open for business too long(bad taste+ bitchiness= no business).

I really have a problem with Deshawn and her "estate manager"(gofer/slave) and found it very interesting that she really had to deliberate whether to get her daddy some vodka and Bailey's. The ol' adage....pennywise pound foolish. And when her husband's career ends as a pro athelete, I imagine this home will join the ranks of the homes of other athletes who ostentatiously overspend.....foreclosure! I guess she doesnt pay someone to exercise for her because she is quite chubby.

And Kim, not a housewife but more of a ho! Gold digger. Spend the money on some education and etiquette lessons. And get a good weave! And a new plastic surgeon.

Anonymous said...

geez, atlanta cougar take it easy.

this show looks like pure magic. i can't freakin wait!

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

I like your flava, Atlanta Cougar!

@anon 7:07: pure magic, indeed. Prepare to be dazzled...

Anonymous said...

Ok, here is the real scoop!
All of the ladies asked local businesses for FREE STUFF. LIKE CLOTHING, JEWELRY ETC. They also leased cars for the airing of the show! It is all fake! I know for a fact Sheree never had staff maybe an occasional housekeeper. The lady who use to clean for her called her a real B_T_H! NeNe all of your jewelry was borrowed. Sheree is dating another football player and use to date a known drug dealer who is in jail serving a 18 year sentence. Sheree closed the store and owed many suppliers bounced checks and refused to pay designers (WWW.RETAILDISH.COM)

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

anon 10:36: WOW! Fab scoop. Borrowed baubles!? Leased Cars!? LOVE IT!!

Atlanta Cougar said...

Even though some "anonymous" person wants me to take it easy, if you put it out there, especially on television, I am gonna dish big time! Anon 10:36 knows the real scoop. As an Atlanta native, I will fact check all of the materialistic, obnoxious behavior. I have alot of friends in the philanthropic circles and noone knows any of these women.....especially because they are so materilistic that they need to have charities named after about contributing to a real charity(monetary or otherwise) such as Dress For Success Atlanta?

Atlanta Cougar said...

P.S. Your blog is da bomb! Love it!