Monday, August 11, 2008

So Now It's My Fucking Fault That Lily Allen Doesn't Like To Wear A Bra?


Dear Lily Allen, **

So these pics with your tit hangin out were all over the internets the other day. In fact, in some crazy turn of events you had two nip slips that day, so there were approximately 765 shots of your boob from pretty much every angle that a camera is capable of photographing.

Thanks to the paparazzi (and I guess also a cultural shift toward going commando), I'm already intimately familiar with practically every female celeb's snatch--yours included. So, like seeing your titty was really no big whoop. And honestly, I wouldn't have even given this whole thing a second thought had you not seen fit to take the matter straight to your bloggidy blog blog and created a whole second wave of discussions, posting, and speculation:

"hello, i wore a loose fitting t shirt yesterday. I was very hot in London yesterday, and it's no secret I don't like wearing bras, besides i don't need to, measuring in at 32A it hardly seems necessary. My boob fell out twice and people on the blogs are saying it was a publicity stunt. Can I just say, i have been keeping myself very much to myself recently, i've been gardening, decorating my new flat and looking after my greiving grandfather...It's because i'm on my own and people are pointing at me like an animal in the zoo , talking about me as if i'm not there, meanwhile 10 -20 guys are all making money catching every second of it. Anyway my point is, i would never use my body in that way , I'm just not that kind of girl."

Right.

Ok, so like its super duper nice that you've been "keeping to yourself" and gardening-n-shit. And I'm not sure who your gramps is grieving, but that sucks--I'm sorry for his loss. And my heart goes out to you over the fact that you have to deal with a whack pack of camera wielding douches who follow you around...really it does...but you make millions of dollars to compensate you for this inconvenience.

But like also, here's a newsflash: its still all your own fucking fault that your tit was splayed all over my macbook. So, can you lose the 'tude??

I'm willing to concede that *maybe* this wasn't a publicity stunt, but still this shit is pretty freakin ridick.

It's the middle of summer, so its pretty much boiling fucking hot everywhere. True, I am not famous enough to followed around by the paparazzi, so if I did have a nip slip you'd never know it. But also, my tit(s) NEVER pop out of my shirt. Like n-e-v-e-r. Not once.

I mean, I suppose this does take a small amount of effort on my part (i.e. I do wear bras regulary), however, I've never felt overwhelmed with my "keep my tits in my shirt" daily responsibilities. It's never interfered with my social life or my job hunting. My tits don't pop out at the airport, the supermarket, or the gym (true, I never go to the gym, but I'm jus sayin...). None of my neighbors have seen my tits, none of my friends have seen my tits, and none of my co-workers have seen my tits.

So I guess my point is this, Lilly: these are just the small steps I take, as a non-famous, insignificant, nobody, to make sure that no one sees my business except for my husband and my dog. You can guaran-fucking-TEE that if I did have a whack pack of camera wielding dudes following me around day and night, I'd be ramping up my bra wearin/non-loose shirt wearin tactics tenfold.

Believe it or not, its not my goddammed fault that your titty is all over TMZ...jus cuz you are only a 32A and don't like bras and, oh right, it was hot out.

Boo fucking hoo.

Oh yeah, and also, this wasn't the first time.

tit for tat,
me


Related Posts by Categories



3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i'll go tit for tat with this one. i was at the car wash yesterday and i totally had a tit slip. just popped right out. oops. the car waxer was really nice though and just helped me pop it back in. after all, it was sooo hot. i mean, that is the most ridiculous thing i've ever freakin heard. my tits are three times the size as little miss lilly's and they never pop out without my full blown consent. that is just so stupid.

Cara said...

I remember going dancing at Chief Ike's Mambo room with a certain friend of mine and she had, shall we say, a wardrobe malfunction of the bra variety. My friend said, "Man, if we don't get out of here now there's going to be an escaping size C boob situation and I don't think anybody needs to see that".

And you know, she was right.

So we did.

If only that friend was around now to give advice to stupid famous people...

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

cara: That friend of yours sounds fucking brilliant! That's the sort of thinking that would do Ms. Lily Allen some good!

anon: WORD