Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Hills S4: 13 - (For Reals) Return Of The Stupid

Dear Everyone, ***

Annnnnd...... I'm back!

After my week long Obama-thon, I finally decided to return to the land of bla and check in with LC, Audy and Dumb-n-Dumber on The Hills.

During this ep, I experienced a broad range of emotional ups and downs: I laughed....I cried...I screamed, and finally, I stabbed myself in my motherfuckin eyeballs just to make it all stop.

Imagine having the following convo with one of your friends:

You: Yeah, so uhm...I'm thinking of quitting my job as a high paid NASA rocket scientist and going back to school to get my masters in poetry. The degree should only cost $150k or so and then I can be back in the job market! Poets are so happening right now. Also, uhm, I have about a millie to invest and I'm thinking of putting it all in sub-prime mortgages. I KNOW...everyone is dumping sub prime mortgages now, but that just means better deals pour moi! I'm goin all in, yo! Also, I think I'm gonna try smokin' crack tonight, cause like I've always really wanted to give it a whirl, ya know? I took my blood pressure pill this morn, so its all gonna be good in the hood.

Your Friend:
Uhm, I'm not really sure that's such a good idea [insert your name]. I mean, things are pretty great for you now, and each of those ideas sounds stupider than the last.

Yeah, I know. I DO come up with great ideas, right!? I knew you'd support me.

Your Friend:
[insert your name]! That's not what I said at all. You're making a huge mistake! Do not pass go, do not collect $200! You. Must. Chill.

I just knew you would be a friend for me! I'm so glad I decided to talk to you about all of this!

Right (now do you understand why LC has that fucking look on her face above?).

Ok, so the words might be a little different, but this *basically* sums up the convos that both Heidi AND Audy had at various points in the ep regarding the stupid, collosal mistakes they were each about to engage in.

Let's start with Heids. Her life as a fake event planner, finally caught up with her...and/or Brent Bolthouse woke up from his retarded dream that hooking his wagon to Heidi Montag was a smart thing to do. Bottom line: Heidi got fired after getting shitfaced at an event she was supposed to be running at some lame new LA hotspot. Also, she invited all her friends and encouraged them to get drunk too, and then to put a big fuckin cherry on the whole thing, she asked the owner of said lame LA hotspot if he wanted to do shots with her and her entire whack pack...or something like that.

The best part is, when Brent called her into his office the next day to confront her about her olympic-sized fuck up, she acted as if she didn't think it was a big deal. She was all "well, I just assumed that after I worked for a few mins, I deserved to unwind a bit with a Lemon Drop, 2 screwdrivers, a frozen margarita and 4 Jaeger shots. Was that not cool? [bat eyelashes]" And then Brent just stared at her for a minute and told her to pack up her shit. I am, obvs, convinced that this had a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y nothing to do with the fact that Heidi never really worked there in the first place....or that her fake employee status and her fake cubicle were taking up space in this dude's REAL office. The two are completely unrelated, of course.

Moving on to Audrina: after the totally touching and heart wrenchingly emotional speech that JustinBobby laid on Audrina last week (quick recap: "90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.") [a tear slowly rolls down my cheek], Audy decided it was a super smart idea to just go out and buy a house (that she likely can't afford), pretty much with the sole purpose of having a space where her and JB could create their own love nest.

I'm not kidding people. Her Kat Von D wannabe tatooed sister Casey called her on it and she pretty much admitted as much.

Flash forward to Audy's convo with JB about their presumptive upcoming co-habitation, and yet again JustinBobarino let loose with a baseball diamond sized gem after Audrina threw the possibility out on the table: [gawd forgive me cause I'm on a bus down to DC and I stupidly didn't write this shit down before I left, but its something along the lines of...] " know what? Let it happen, and just see what happens."

[the eyeball stabbing kicked in somewhere right around here].

Ok, so not ex-zactly the response Audy was looking for, but since JustinBob-b0b-iran had that chip implanted in her brain awhile back that he controls with a switch on his bike, he just flipped it and: POW! She left feeling like things were GREAT! And finally moving forward! And that spending a million dollars on a house in order to make her doomed relationship work was a really great idea after awl! Yay!

Also, Lo was back...double yay! I've really come full circle with her ass in recent weeks...espesh since she reminded us all in this ep that SHE was the one who invented the JustinBobby nickname way back when. That's some good shit, Lo.

Yet again, LC was barely in the action at all. Except to pout about Audy's move, of course.

My Tivo cut out again a full 3 mins before the ep ended so I'm not sure if there was anything else. And I didn't see the previews for next week. No, this is not the first time, and no I have yet to fix this.

A. I'm fucking pissed at MTV for always having their shows so off schedule. And,
B. I think I wear this badge of "I always miss the last few mins" as a possible sign that I am, in fact, making strives in my efforts to ban The Hills from my life once and 4 all. [ithinkican, ithinkican, YES WE CAN!].

the rest is still unwritten,

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