Monday, November 3, 2008

Me-N-CNN, TLF? Everything Is Very Up In The Air Right Now, Unfortch


Dear CNN,***

I'm a fucking wreck.

Aside from the fact that I feel like I'm gonna have a goddammed heart attack. Like, I *literally* feel the muscles around my heart have tightened up, and my pulse is racing for no reason whatsoever, and I'm breathing heavily-n-shit...aside from all that election dramz, I'm freaking out about you and me.

Like what's gonna happen to us on Weds? Is there even gonna be an "us" on Weds?

For months now, you and me have been going steady. Sure, you courted me with Anderson Cooper at first, but that was really just the beginning. Campbell Brown gave me her varsity sweater, and David Gergen....don't even get me started about David Gergen. In my deepest, darkest moments, its David Gergen's voice that brings me comfort and solace, dear lord our gawd.

Over the last month, espesh, you and I have been srsly hot-n-heavy. I mean, you're the first thing I think about when I wake up (hello, American Morning!) and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep (what up, Larry King!). I have dreams about you (Campbell Brown and Lou Dobbs at the dentist...don't ask) and when my husband asked me if I wanted to go watch the election returns at a bar on Tues night, my first response was "what if they're not watching CNN!? We can't risk it!"

I didn't mind at all when John King (your electoral map guy) said he wasn't so good at math, and I don't even give a shit that Roland Martin always looks like he smoked a spliff in the green room before his pundit appearances (High Times, my brotha!). And "Wolf Blitzer?"... its just so much fucking fun to say: BLITZERBLITZERBLITZER.

You ARE the best political team on television, yo!

I know, (just *KNOW*) that the both of us are sitting around waiting/hoping/praying/crossing our fingers that Obama brings it on Tues, (YES WE CAN!), but what then?? I mean, sure our nation will finally be free of a Republican/Bush stranglehold, may actually get out of this financial crisis, be poised to end the war in Iraq and will be working toward getting every man, woman and child healthcare insurance, but WHAT ABOUT U-N-ME????

Am I goin straight back to Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Hills and Rock of Love: Charm School?? Do I have to give Campbell brown back her cardigan?? Will Anderson Cooper's foxy, silver coiff stop showing up on my flatscreen? Are we just done?

Are you even thinking about this stuff too???

Le sigh.

I don't know, this stuff is uncomfortable to talk about, sure, but I thought it was important to get it out on the table. I mean, if we have any hope of saving this relationship, we need to keep our communication open and honest. And we do have something to fight for here, right?.

Also, uhm...

There is something else we need to talk about. I feel awkward about bringing this up on my blog, but I wasn't sure until this weekend and didn't want to worry you, but....I'm pregnant. And its yours, CNN.

Oopsie!

Call,
m.e.

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2 comments:

the FoOl said...

listen, as someone who is living the aftermath of a serious breakup I have one piece of advice for you: BE THE ONE WHO WALKS AWAY FIRST.

Be the dumper, not the dumpee.
It's fucking inevitable that you and CNN are over - sorry to break it to you. What, you think when the economy is back on track and everyone's riding the Obama Hope Express you're going to give a fuck about hearing AC go on about some genocide in Africa or Lou Dobbs rant about the broken border? Of course not.
Walk now BEFORE the election. Think about it - how's CNN gonna feel when you're messing around with PBS, ABC and FOX on election night all at the same time?
Break hearts and leave that bitch crying and sucking its thumb.

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

@The Fool: ur probably right, but "it's so haaard...to say goodbye....to yesssteRRRRdaaaaaay."