Friday, November 7, 2008

Real Housewives Of Atlanta...I Just Can't Quit You (ANNNND I Know Who Big Poppa Is!)

Dear Everyone, ***

Holy, shit! I think I know who Big Poppa is!!

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't be posting about RHOA every week, and I'm standing by that. *However* I am a mere mortal. And I think you would agree that I can't really be expected to ignore the complete and utter insanity of Tuesday night's ep.

Most importantly, I'm pretty positive that I have solved a mystery that has literally been eating away at the surface of my brain since this show premiered: Who. Is. Big Poppa?

Check it: so you know how Kim is always going on and on about how her bf Big Poppa is a very wealthy "celeb" who can't come out of the closet to show his face on our flatscreens cause he's just too damn important? Well, I just always assumed he was married or some bullshit and didn't want his wife-n-kids to see him fucking some tranny country singer wannabe on national TV.

BUT, now I'm thinking maybe the truth is way, way, juicier than that.

Stick with me here, because I have a theory that is so fucking mind bending, you'd do best to read on cautiously to avoid the possibility of your brain breaking.

I know this sounds kinda crazy, but...

What if Big Poppa was....

[wait for it...]

[wait for it...]



That's right motherfuckers! What if "Big Poppa" = Sheree!?

I mean, think about it: have you ever seen such a fucking lovefest in the entirety of trashtacular reality programming? I was practically waiting for Kim to lean over and seductively lick Sheree's face at the dermatologist...and you just *know* she had her hand up Sheree's skirt when they were smoking and drinking in the car. Also if Kim calls Shay Shay "boooo-yooo-teee-fullll" one more time I'm gonna vom right into her nasty cleave. Look, Kim and Sheree obvs have a connection that goes way deeper than besties, and I'm gonna fucking call them on it.

You heard it first peeple: Kim Zolciak is not actually dating a mysterious, rich celebrity named Big Poppa, she's a closet Lez! Who's fucking Sheree!

How ya like me now?

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way there are a few more points I need to make:

1. Guacamole - Ok, obvs we're not dealing with a high level of sophistication here, but Kim acted as if the guac Sheree ordered at Rosa Mexicana during lunch was monkey brains r something. Is GUACAMOLE really that abhorent to you? G-U-A-C-A-M-O-L-E? Your palette can't handle such unusual delicacies? And Kim's comment that the mortar and pestle the waiter used to make the guac was a "rock" and unsanitary...uhm...I guess we now have an official answer to the age old question: how fucking dumb can you be? This dumb, bitches...this dumb.

2. KAT - Really!? You spell cat with a K, Kim? There are no words....none.

3. Singing - I cannot easily describe the deep down dirty whore-endousness of Kim's voice. Watching her sing was painful. Watching Dallas Austin's face as he realized how bad, bad, bad she was was priceless. Watching Kim's face when she heard the playback of the shit that was comin' out of her mouth was awesome. There is not an ounce...not a hint...not the teeniest tiniest drop of talent under that tranny wig. I don't care if you used a NASA powered satellite to scope out some cellular level talent that might be floating around in her bloodstream: bitch has got NOTHING. Also, in answer to your probing question Kim: making sure that your voice is in tune happens to be directly related to ensuring that you don't sound like A DYING FUCKING MOOSE when you sing.

4. Drinking-n-Driving - I do live in NYC, so I don't own a car any more. But from what I can remember, driving while holding a motherfucking glass of motherfucking chablis is not generally considered a good idea, Kimmy. My memory is a little hazy tho.

5. Bounced checks - So, in a non-ep related sidenote, I feel pretty confident in reporting to you that Sheree has a little check bouncing problem. Shockingly, I've uncovered this evidence through the magic of statcounter. See when your sexy asses start clickity click clicking all over my website, I have this handy little stats program that tells me where you live, and how you got to me, and how long you stuck around. I'm able to track search terms that u mofos use to find me, and a very prominent one as of late is "Sheree Whitfield bounced checks." Now, since bitch is waitin on a "seven figure settlement" I'm not too sure why she's writin rubber checks all over town, but based on the number of you out there searchin, I'm pretty sure I can confirm she's doing it.

As for the rest of the action, there really was none. Except that NeNe was talkin trash about pretty much everyone in the city of Atlanta...but honestly I don't give a shit. Like Anderson Cooper, I too am on Team NeNe.

"Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good,"

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Anonymous said...

Best post yet. HIlarious. Laughed out loud at least 6 times. THANKYOU for commenting on the fact that Kim was fucking drinking a glass of wine while driving around Atlanta on camera. This show is OUT OF CONTROL!

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Viagra said...

I am not quite sure on why Kim started to sing either.

Elliott Broidy said...

Lol... hilarious.