Monday, May 26, 2008

Amanda Lorber, Please Don't Leave Me Now: The Season Finale of The Paper

Dear Amanda, ***

First of all, :(

How in the hell can the whole season be over already!

Second of all: OMG, this whole Alex thing t-o-t-a-l-l-y makes sense now! He was being such an asshole to you over the past few weeks because he's secretly been in love with Michael Jan the whole time! How can he not be? He's Jan-tastic! Jan-i-licious! Jan-jiggity!

I mean, I get where Alex is coming from--I really do. I want to lick the sweat off of Michael Jan's glistening bod myself after watching him in the shirtless "sprint off" with Adam. And we're not the only ones: Giana spent the entirety of her eleven month anniversary lunch with Trevor at the Melting Pot singing the Jan Man's praises. He plays tennis, he's a genius, he's still got a life!


Check out her defensive eye roll when Trev called her out about her not so secret crush.

Anyway, I'm glad we've finally gotten to the bottom of what's been undermining you with the "back row" crew this whole time--an over-the-top, obsessive infatuation with MJ.

Oh yeah, and also the fact that Alex is a delusional, self-important douche who has literally zero clue how to generate any of his own opinions. He is STILL so hung up on the fact that he was not chosen for the editor-in-chief position, he seems to be in the midst of some sort of psychotic break with reality wherein he thinks he's the motherfucking glue holding the entirety of The Circuit newspaper together.

This makes no, none.

Ok, so he showed up to the ropes course bonding exercise and you didn't. BFD. You had to finish your NYU application for God's sake! (congrats, by the way, miss thang :) I think you aptly realized that it was a case of too little too late by that stage of the game, and you needed to be looking out for A number one. But I think it was this absence of yours, coupled will your brill bitch slap out in the hall after he tried to make you look like a fool in front of your staffers, that ultimately planted the inane idea in his head that he needed to work things out with you once and for all with one last talk.

Expectedly, Alex acted like a two-year-old and you exhibited your usual way-beyond-your years brand of cool at this tete-a-tete, making him look all the more pathetic and sad. Here were some of my favorite Alex quotes from your final showdown convo:

  1. "I've tried to remain netural this whole time"
  2. "I've been picking up the slack and doing all of your work."
  3. "People think that I've performed well and you haven't"
Alex, dude, what are you smoking?!

Not only has he continuously not remained neutral, he has sabotaged and undermined you at every available turn. I highly doubt he's had to pick up one iota of slack on your behalf and as for people thinking that "he's performed well" I'm quite certain that's data he culled from....yep, you guessed it...the back row bitch squad--i.e. all the chumps who mistakenly thought they should be holding the journalistic reigns instead of you. Unless, of course, by "performed well" he was making some sort of sick reference back to his Michael Jan man crush/obsession, but I will not drag you down into the gutter with me to ponder that possibility.

So, Ms. Amanda Lorber, as your lovely little show comes to an end tonight, I can say with the utmost sincerity and not a drop of snark in my keyboard stroking, you have managed to completely renew my faith in the teen establishment, reality television, journalistic pursuits and MTV all at the same time. Not to get all sentimental and "will you sign my yearbook" on you, but I'm totally going to miss you. Miss you in like a genuinely real sort of way that I've definitely never felt before toward any other reality star (cue music--we totally just had a moment here together, didn't we?). Anyway, ALo, you are a smart, spunky goin' places chick with about as good a head on your shoulders as one could ever hope for at your age (Christ, who are we kidding here--at my age!). I've said it before and I'll say it again: You rock, and you rock hard. Please try not to forget will be hard at times, but you need to try (maybe write out a few post-it notes??).

Before we say our goodbyes (hopefully not forevs!), can you PLEASE tell me what this girl's name is?! She is fucking hysterical and smart and gutsy and its been bugging me for weeks that I don't know what to call her. If she is not a senior, I hope she gets the editor-in-chief gig next year (are you out there Mrs. Weiss?)

Anyway AL, thanks for the memories...I'll treasure them 4-eva. You've got some mighty big shoes to fill fer sure.


Youtube, Facebook, Myspace, Text,
(for realz)

P.S. Trevor got a perfect math score on his SAT's?! Holy Christ, that was the shocker of the season (I guess I owe you an apology, Trev).

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