Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Brangelina, And Espesh Ashley Simpson, Tune The Eff In: An Open Letter To All Celebrities

Dear all y'all, *

This latest Ashlee Simpson bullshit is a prime example of exactly why we hate most of you mother effers these days.

This bitch has been barefoot and pregnant for months now, and everybody and their brother knew it. Yet, deny, deny, deny. That guyliner wearing musician she's married to...what's his fucking name? Pete Wentz? A couple of weeks ago, he was all: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood." Right. How bout: no witch hunt dude...just your skinny ass wife mysteriously gettin fat.

Yeah, the paps are crazy and chase you and shit for pics, but that's why you get paid millions and millions and millions of dollars. This way when you crash your car after an evening of speed racer with Adnan Ghalib, you can easily hit up the ATM, take out 75k and be rollin' with your new S Class for your Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf run the following morn. And WTF is up with that need to hide from the photogs anyway?? Take ten minutes, pose for a freakin' photo and be on your way to yog-a-lates class, Homes.

And don't E-V-E-N front like you're not readin' all those fuckin tabs every week, just like the rest of us wannabees. I gah-ron-tee your asses that this is what 99% of your morning routines look like, down to a motherfuckin tee:

1. Wake up
2. Jack off
3. Watch Tivo'd eps of TMZ in bed
4. Down 2 wheatgrass shooters that your personal asst just picked up from the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson
5. Take a shit while reading Us Weekly, Star and OK! Magazine
   
6. Head over to your Black Macbook
7. Google yourself
8. Read Page Six
9. Read Perez Hilton
10. Read Defamer
    
11. Read Dlisted
12. Read Just Jared
13. Read Pink is the New Blog
    
14. Read Dear Famous Asshole (heh...ok, probs not but everyone deserves a dream, you asshat).

And by the way, which is it?? Do you want your privacy or not? Because if so, you best get that memo to Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears and your PR peeps, and your studio and everyone else who leaks shit about where you be every freakin minute of the day. See that's how more pictures with your ass in em get sold to more magazines. But, you'd never do that, would you, because you like it when you like it...and that's most of the god damned time.

Where there's smoke there's usually fire. I'm not sure who came up with that shit, but its tru.

Word on the street was that Ashelee was with child. Her stomach was poochy. She got engaged and married within a month. We alll did the mother fuckin math. And now she and King Kohl make their announcement just like it ain't no thang.

Listen up celebs, and listen hard. Your deal with the devil has been made...your privacy is gone. That shit is dead and buried. If you're a bazillionaire like Oprah or Brange or any number of you other fools, than you made a pretty good fuckin' deal. So pleez, shut your face, smile for the camera, admit shit when its true, and just freakin' deal with it. You're pwned now.

Sheesh.

me

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