Friday, June 6, 2008

'Boys Don't Cry,' Except For The Ones On SYTYCD!; Plus, We've Got Our Top 20

Dear Everyone, ***

Can all you bitches feeeeel the the motherfuckin' excitment buildin??? I don't know about all y'all, but after 8 solid hours of auditions, I'm ready for Cat Deeley to put on some heels and some freakin' lipstick so she can finally scream, for really reals:

DANCE!!! (you fuckers are responsible for doing your own accents).

Rather than waste our time on all the losers who couldn't cut the mustard, here are my quick initial thoughts on the Top 20 lolcats:

  1. Courtney Galliano: Def one of the hottest contestants (this chick looks damn fine in those boy-shorts-atards that all those girls wear), but the bitch can dance too. I'm calling it right now: this is our Lauren Gottlieb 2.0. I'm guessing she's gonna have Mia Michaels crying at some point too.
  2. Chelsie Hightower: Ay Carumba--another hotsie totsie. She's our girl next door. She'll kill it in Ballroom and Latin, of course, but I can't wait to get some Timbaland or Snoop all up in her shizzie.
  3. Susie Garcia: Holy Mary Kay Letourneau--none of my teachers evah looked like this bitch. She needs to ditch the pink skunk hair stripe and cover up her tits a bit more, but this sista is gunnin' to be the first one to get her ticket on Mary's Hot Tamale Train, obvs.
  4. Chelsea Triel: Ok she's pretty and clearly a Sabra 2.0, but is it me or did we not see this woman AT A-L-L?
  5. Kourtni Lind: This little honey is cuter than an internet video of a kitten snuggling up with a puppy. She's clearly gonna be another one of Mia Michaels bitches. Annnd, I hate to be all predictable here, but hello: Lacey 2.0 minus the tats.
  6. Joshua Allen: Sweet hip hop boy from the wrong side of the tracks. I think he wore a Members Only denim jacket and I loved every fuckin' minute of it. Debbie Allen t-o-t-a-l-l-y got his number after the show.
  7. Twitch: You are sooo my bitch. Right now you're my fave, but I'm a teensy bit worried about you gettin' your hands dirty with a Tony Meredith Samba, ya know? I'm keepin' the faith, tho.
  8. Kherington Paine: California surfer girl lookin' little hottie and also my pick for bottom two first week.
  9. Raven Armejo: This chick rocks the hizzie and her audition with that dude Romulus or whatever his name was, left me feelin' like I needed a cold ass shower. Again, not diggin' the skunk stripes, though.
  10. Marquise Cunningham: No clue who this little ballerina dude is.
  11. Matt Dormay: Ditto.
  12. Thayme Jasperson: This dude can seriously dance, but also at first glance he sort of looks like a retarded farmer...with a name that screams pretentious, Tribeca dwelling artist. Or is that just me?
  13. Mark Kenomura: Rock out the faux hawk...annnnnd I have no idea who this dude is.
  14. Comfort Fidochi: It is gonna be some fun as shit to see this mini Missy Elliot chick wearing heels and an evening gown.
  15. Benji Jamie Baird: ??
  16. Chris Jaross: I'm sorry, b/c I actually really dig this guy and think he can dance his ass off, but have you ever seen such gorgeous skin on a dude? And he's also got some beautiful Angelina lookin' lips. If he's not homo, he's gotta be a serious metro with a skin regime and shit...either way, I just feel like stroking his cheeks while soft music plays in the background. Mia Michaels clearly wants to fuck him too. Also, he's so Neil 2.0.
  17. Jessica King: For some reason, I think this chick is gonna be great at the Broadway shit, other than that, I got nothin.'
  18. William Wingfield: I loved this guy from go. I thought his audition was the smartest thing we've seen from all these guys. Right now, he's like a tiny pube's length below Twitch for me on my favorite-o-meter.
  19. Gev Menician: I don't get this pick over Brandon...who rocked my fuckin' world, but whatevs.
  20. Katie Shean: Boo hoo, BFF's torn apart...prob should have dumped her after her whole, "I wouldn't come back" brouhaha, but let's see if she can step it up.
Also, what the christ is with all the brace faces this year? I was expecting one of the dancers to have a rubber band mishap during a particularly taxing arabesque. And was there ANY dude up in this muthafucka who wasn't cryin' his eyes out like a bitch ass baby at some point in the evening? Boo fuckin hoo, doodz. I mean, I ate up every god damned minute of the waterworks, of course, but that's besides the point.

Next week, it's on. Live performance show, bitches. Be there or be square.

word out.

dance with,

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