Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Gettin' Meaty With Jessica Simpson: This Bitch Knows Exactly Where The Beef Is

Dear Jessica, **

I know we've had our differences in the past, but this just fuckin' rules.

First of all, there ain't nothing that hits the spot for me like a conrnbeef, vienna sausage, extra rare roast beef with bacon sandy, so punch it in for givin' props to meat lovers like us everywhere. Oprah may be on her 21 day vegan-a-thon, but I say FUCK THAT SHIT right before I pop another chopped liver prosciutto pancake puff and wash it down with a raw egg bac-o-bits shooter. Meat RULZ.

After realizing that your meet lovers tee was not just a simple attempt at double entendre sluttiness, or a mere ode to beefy deliciousness, but also a big fat "bite me" to your BF Tony Romo's ex Carrie Underwood, it made me want to wrap you in fried breading and eat you up like a big ole pig-in-a-blanket. Carrie may be PETA's sexiest vegetarian alive two years running, but you're bringin' sexy back with the beef. And I, for one am roasting a whole effin pig right now in celebration.

If meat is murder, than murder is tasty,

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justin said...

god, that is such a fucking awesome shirt.

ProblemWithCaring said...

Dear Jessica:

That shirt is cool in a snarky, white people with funny words on their shirt, sorta way. It’s not a very complicated sentiment, so I can even be made to believe that you picked it out, read it, understood it and agree with it. The bitch clap to your boyfriend's skinny ex? Well, a tip o' the hat.

But if I ever catch you, in a bid to prolong your quickly evaporating celebrity, doing any charity work in any way related to cows, animal rights, pigs, chickens, sheep, goats, meat processing, livestock, animal husbandry, suede, leather, mink, furs, and/or veal, I will come to where you live and beat the shit out of you with a tuna can in a sock.



Anonymous said...

If only the consumers knew what was going into their food... I guess it is just eiaser to live in ignorance.