Tuesday, July 1, 2008

If Amanda Lorber is Your Camp Counselor, You Hit the Fucking Sleepaway Camp Jackpot

Dear Campers in Amanda Lorber's bunk, **

Le Sigh.

Ever since I heard about Ms. Lorber packin' up her canteen and heading off to camp, I've been wondering about all of your asses. Mostly I've been wondering this: do you little homegirls realize how freaking golden you have it at Blue Star!? Do you realize that you are the envy of rich, eight-year-olds misfits at sleepaway camps all over this mofo?


I got stuck with sleep away camp counselors that smoked pot all day and snuck over to boy's side for a little third base action during our afternoon gymnastics hour. We were lucky if they got back in time to remind us to shower that night (I once made it four god damned days).

Meanwhile, you guys are chillaxin in the Blue Ridges with Ms. "In Chief" herself. I really hope you're appreciatin' your situation and shit. I mean, while you guys are livin' it up at Team Tennis, Ultimate Frisbee and Full Contact Canoe, the rest of us bitches are stuck in the hot, WET motherfucking big apple, waiting for Ms. Lorber's arrival. She hasn't been Facebookin' much (though her last status update had her "cabin bonding" with you twits), and there are no new interviews to speak of. I'm guesing you little hot mamas are, no doubt, taking up all her time with truth or dare, stationery poker and wet t-shirt contests "I never" marathons, so, yeah...that like doesn't leave her much extra time to manage her ever expanding fan base.

Not to harp on this, but its because of you shorties that I'm left with nothing to do but google Trevor & Gianna and write pathetic fan letters to Michael Jan all summer long. It's not pretty.

I do, however, realize that we're obvs not going to see eye to eye on any of this shit, so can you at least tell me when the eff Color War is? I need to figure out my Amanda Lorber Fall editorial calendar.

tramp the camp,

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