Tuesday, July 1, 2008

This Is Why I Don't Dig Jesus...Like at ALL: Heidi Montag To Do A Christian Album

Dear Heidi, *

It's sooo crazy that you announced that you're doing a Christian album! The coincidence is totally spooky! Wait, listen to why:

You see, last night, I was krumping around the internets, looking for a fix--something I could really sink my teeth into-- and lo and behold, I came upon the "video" above for your song: "Higher." And then, after a bit more digging, an audio clip of your newest song "Fashion."

Now, ever since Brit Brit was on Dateline with Matt Lauer, I've been realll resistant to use those air quote thingys too much, because like, she just wrecked that shit up 4 eva. But its super hard for me to use the actual word "song" or "video" right now to describe what I encountered with you here.

You know in that moment in the movie that the doctor dude realizes that Frankenstein is really alive and he's like "holy shit...what the fuck did I just do??"-- That's kind of how I feel right now. And I feel this way, because these "songs" that you "sing" truly bear zero resemblance whatsoever to the actual construct and literal meaning of the word "song" that has already been tagged and cataloged by my brain. And I mean, not like just my brain...but everyone's brain. And the fact that you are "singing" these "songs" and "shooting" these "videos" that are being put on the internets and probably making your dumbass (a lot?) of money, is like alllll our fucking fault.

The deep and penetrating shiteous-ness of these tracks is something that cannot be easily conveyed to anyone who has not experienced them (actually, I would recommend two or three plays for a genuinely hair raising experience). After listening to these epic-ly whorrendous tracks, I decided to just play some free flowing word association games with myself and here's what I came up with:

Heidi Montag's music makes me feel:

*Bitch slapped
*Smarter than you
*Smarter than Spencer
*Smarter than She Pratt
*Hatred toward U
*Hatred toward Spencer
*Hatred toward your parents
*Hatred toward LC for befriending your ass in college
*Hatred toward MTV for allowing LC to strong arm you onto The Hills
*Hatred toward my therapist for suggesting that I should be "having new experiences"
*Hatred toward a society like ours that would allow something like this to happen
*Hatred toward myself for my own role in said society

And I guess that that's pretty much where I ended the game.

Except that, before I shut down my computer, I started thinking a lot about our world...and I mean like deep level shit like who you are, who I am, and what the eff this whole jacked up thing we call "life" was really about. I kept thinking...and thinking...and REALLY thinking. And then after two bong hits, a fresh fruit smoothie, 15 minutes of Rock Hard Abs (watching, not doing) and a game of Scrabulous (I pwn'd you, Elizabeth C!), I came to the heady conclusion that: God must not really exist after all.

And then today you announced you were doing a Christian album....so like, yeah. I was t-o-t-a-l-l-y right.

Suck it Jesus,

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That's deep. Whats Going On as Marvin Gaye wrote.