Dear Miley (& Mandy), ***
A live face off!?
Holy. Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
I'm like pissing in my pants right now for you guys...R U OK!?
You're ok. Of course you're ok. You guys are totally gonna be fine. I mean, you def stepped it up a notch in the last installment with the chopper-n-all, so you can do it. You guys are just gonna have to start rehearsing and gettin your shit together pronto. But like, I mean right fucking now, Miley. This is getting serious for really reals.
I mean, it's one thing when you've got a crew of 'dance off' lackeys to fetch you Frapuccinos and helicopter jet fuel, but if you guys are goin up against ACDC in person, that's a whole diffrn't ballgame. This shit is gonna make your Vanity Fair slutty pic fallout look like a Baby Einstein DVD.
So, here's my advice: Whatever sort of album or tour or Hannah Montana bullshit you might be working on right now needs to stop. You two need to get your asses into the gym pronto, stop eating immediately, and get every fucking ep of America's Best Dance Crew (seasons 1 AND 2) you can get your little hands on. Then you can get that shit goin on a constant DVD loop. For motivational purposes, hire Angry Black and Eric the Midget from Stern's whack pack to follow you two honeys around and trash talk ACDC as much as possible. Also, stop with the fucking sexy myspace pics, forget about Camp Rock and just freakin FOCUS.
I'm not gonna lie, even if you follow all of my sage advice, this is likely still gonna be an epic disaster for you two. But, "I still believe in a place called Hope," so like who knows...maybe John Chu will break his elbow or pull his groin or some shit?
Hoping for a Miracle,