Tuesday, June 24, 2008

My Sick And Twisted So You Think You Can Dance Fantasies

Dear Everyone, ***

Is it Wednesday yet??

Sooo....its probably not going to come as any great shock if I reveal to all y'all that I'm pretty fucking weird. This weirdness results in me spending an inordinate amount of time mulling over all sorts of effed up shit like this, for example: if the choreographed SYTYCD dances were people, which ones would you want in your life and why? Like, I mean, look at the dance itself, not the dancers, and imagine that each one was an actual living, breathing person.

T-o-t-a-l-l-y weird, right? But also kinda fun. Ok, here I go:

Choreographer: Dimitry Chaplin
Dance: Samba
This is the dude I'd want to go home with after meeting up in a sweaty bar, lying about my name, and accidentally taking a hit of x. He'd be Italian, of course, illegal probably, and would whisper "bella" and "cara" to me liberally throughout the night. He'd never call me again, even though I'd see him out with his friends sometimes, and I wouldn't even really care, because that one night we were 'mettere insiemi' would have been totally worth it.

Choregrapher: Mia Michaels
Dance: Contemporary
This is that weird, edgy guy in college who would love that I wear glasses and think that I'm brilliant even though I watch Melrose Place and Real World. He'd probably be gay, but I'd fall a little bit in love with him anyway and we'd kiss one night and it would be really bad. We'd reconnect years later on Facebook...and play Scrabulous.

Choreographer: Wade Robson
Dance: Jazz
This would be my token "weird" friend who has nipple rings and claims to actually enjoy listening to Marilyn Manson albums. He'd love to wear guyliner, but then deny that he's wearing it when you call him out on it. Also, he'd sell me weed.

Choregorapher: Mia Michaels
Dance: Contemporary
This would be that first really hot, interesting, seemingly perfect dude that I would meet after moving, or quitting my job or taking on some other big life altering decision. And this meeting and subsequent one or two or three perfect dates with said dude would be the "sign" that I did the right thing and that my life was amazing and moving in exciting directions. Then he would just stop calling me for no reason and I would cry for two weeks thinking it was because I wasn't smart enough/pretty enough/promiscuous enough/hot stripper looking enough until I realized, after reading some self-help book du jour, that he was an asshole in the first place and that the only one who is ever going to be totally committed to ensuring my daily happiness in this world is me.

Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Dance: Jazz
This would be my BFF who I've known since elementary school. She never dumped my ass, even when I was going through that really awkward stage from 9-13. We would tell lots of silly inside jokes that no one else ever laughed at and even though we would have changed a lot through the years, we would still keep in touch and be bridesmaids in each other's weddings and pretend to like each other's husbands when we really didn't...at all.

Choreographer: Shane Sparks
Dance: Hip Hop
This guy would like t-o-t-a-l-l-y be my husband. He'd be adorable, and cute (but also hot) and he'd know that he's got it goin' on, but also kind have no clue why. He would throw his back out if he ever tried picking me up like that, but he would probably try anyway, and I would love him for it despite the fact that it would end up costing us thousands of dollars in chiropractic bills. He would bring home Pinkberry for me all the time without even asking me if I wanted it, and would walk the dog at night because he was worried about my safety, even though we'd live in a ridiculously safe neighborhood. Basically, he would rock my world...like any good gangsta should.

Yikes, there I go getting all promiscuous and shit online again. I'm sorry about the overshare, but need I remind you chumps that "I am way too emotionally invested in STYCD?"

Probably not.

Twitch, I'm still ur bitch,

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