SYTYCD Week 3: Cat-a-Clysmically Cat-Tastic

Dear Everyone, ***

Oh Christ.

Tonight marked the return of Adam Shankman--the one judge I actually find to be more annoying than Mia Michaels. Ok, he does give some genuinely helpful crit on occasion, but also he's like totally in love with the sound of his own voice and it bugs. After kissing up to Cat in all her lacy, just been fucked hair hotness...and kissing Mary's fire whistle screaming lips, I'm ready to take one for the team and french kiss Shaq's ass again if it would mean saying goodbye to this mofo forever.

Also WTF with the opening number? I know you SYTYCD staffers probably have a busy week and all, but can't your asses find some sorta gangsta somewhere to come in and choreograph some shit up!?

Finally, can you p-l-e-a-s-e make sure that whichever bitches you pick out of the studio audience to be BFF with Cat during the opener--you know, standing up there on that crow's nest thing that I keep expecting her to trapeze off of down onto the stage--do not have their friggin' bra straps showing through their tank-a-tinis like some skeezy ass ho?

Thnx.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Twitchington
Choregorapher: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip Hop
Ok, true confessions: I loved watching this sugar sweet sunshine, blondie, white ass Kherrington chick busting her ass ALL over that stage trying to be as ghetto fab, booty-licious as her Aryan self could be. Though, I gotta say, those orange jumpsuits were a bit distracting for me...it almost made them look 3D. BUT, those bitches hit it and they hit it h-a-r-d with this joint. Proof was in the pudding when Mary let loose with one of her rape screams and Nigel faked us all out so good. I bet you a benji you were sitting on the edge of your couch with your mouth all open and your titties knockin thinking "WTF motherfucker!?" till he finished saying his piece and you realized your ass had been played by Nigel like a harmonica.

Courtney & Gev
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & his sassy, fat, red-headed assistant
Rhumba
Slightly Circus of the Stars lookin' opening bit, but holy shit did Courtney look hot in that sparkly blue panty cloth. With the "grab her butt" pre-show antics (I think that must have been said a minimum of eleven times), we knew that this number was destined to be hotsy totsie, but mama mia: that shit was like choreographed fucking right there on the stage on network TV. I loved the crap out of this one, and thank Christ the judges did too. [Can someone please get Adam Shankman on a timer...and tell him to shut his hole after like the first 30 seconds?]

Chris & Comfort
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
African Jazz
This number was brought to us by Bed, Bath & Beyond. Shit Chris, I have a feeling that this might be goodbye for realz this week. First of all, you guys have zero chemistry, like none. I wouldn't be surprised if Courtney got pregnant during her dance with Gev, wheras you two were like a gay guy and a lez tryin' to go hetero with each other. Again, Chris, you're cute as a button, but I wish "kick ass dancer" was the first thing that came to my mind about you rather than "cute." This was really just ok for me, dawg.

Will & Jessica
Choreographer: Doriana Sanchez
Disco
I love the night life, y'all. Ok, here's the straight dope: Jess, you are a sweet gurl, fer sure, but you need to get your ass back to whatever pro NBA or NFL dance troop you came here from. The judges and I totally parted ways here--I thought this number was ridiculously mediocre. I wasn't even that blown away by Will, and you freaks know that I normally love me some hardcore Will. Though I was totally swooning during the promo piece when Jessica was talking about how much of a true gentleman Will is [insert cougar purr here]. But I wasn't feelin' this joint...like at all.

Kourtni & Matt
Choreographer: Sonya Tayeh
Contemporary
Holy, ninja Mohawk! I felt sorry for the homie that had to sit behind that bitch at the show. Ok, I start getting bored with these fuckers as soon as I stroke out their names on my keyboard. First off, those costumes were horrendous. I have no idea what those outfits were supposed to be saying, but to me they said: "I got dressed in the dark...and I'm retarded...and homeless." I know that's not supposed to be their fault, but shit...those costumes were so bad that there is no way in Christ I would ever let my ass be sent out on stage lookin' like that. Again, I part ways with the judges here because I thought that this one was seriously nothing special either. And I have a feeling that the judges were just all too busy kissing the new she-ninja choreographer's ass to notice that this dance was just blah, blah, meh.

Chelsea & Thayne
Choreographer: Heather Smith
Quick Step
S-N-O-O-Z-E.

Let's recap: first week = hot tamale train; second week = caboose; third week = men's room urinal at Penn Station during a heat wave while the air is on the fritz. You two are the second most boring-est peeps on the show (after KourMa).

Chelsie & Mark
Choreographer: Napoleon & Tabitha
Hip Hop
"Please don't go to work, daddy...mommy is so l-o-n-e-l-y." Favorite fucking number of the night alert. These two still rock my world and haven't had a single misstep yet. Adam Shankman loves these fuckers too...which almost makes me feel like I should hate them, but that's insanity. Like crazy with a "K." I'm still missing Wade, but Tabitha and Napoleon are definitely holdin' their own too--gotta give props where props r due.

Katee & Joshua
Choreographer: Tony Meredith and you know who
Samba
*Hot Tamale Train (first class cabin lodging)
These two were on fire...a-g-a-i-n. They are another example of a totally bizarro pairing (a la Chelsie & Mark), but they just freakin' work in every single way. As much as I wanted to punch Katee full on in the face during auditions, she continues to win me over. And Josh is just so damn cute, with those sweet ass braces and those little dimples...he was like a super cool, non-scientologist John Travolta out there. I predict JoshEE will be totally safe this week.

K, so if I had to lay it on the line, I'd say my bottom three with a bullet are:
*Kourtni & Matt
*Comfort & Chris
*Chelsea & Thayne

And goin home?: Chris & Chelsea

I just finished making my calls and voting for everyone else. Rock the votes bitches...voting ain't just for fuckers named Obama-n-shit.

Shank Man no more,
me

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