Monday, July 21, 2008

DFA GUEST POST: BLOGNIGGER: Whoopi Goldberg, Black As The Ace Of Spades

[let's sit back, relax, and listen up to the mad rockin beats of Brooklyn's very own self-described blognigger; i.e. in case the all caps headline and add'l note at the end of this post did not alert your ass to the fact that this is a guest post, THIS IS, indeed, a guest post]

Dear Ms. Goldberg, ***

So funny – now I totally feel like I'm writing to my 6th grade clarinet teacher who was also named Ms. Goldberg... never understood how you could have that last name and be Black (Argh, see how I digress when I get nervous??! But as a comedian I know you'll appreciate this so I'm leaving it in).

Okay start again:

omg, Hi!

Thanks for even reading this--you've definitely been a role-model for me. Not to be presumptuous, but it seems like we have a bunch of stuff in common: for example, I'm also a Black New Yorker who whines a lot and thinks he's funny and is into making white chicks cry.

Anyway, I've been a huge fan of yours since the 80's -- by the way, and I'm always pointing this out: you were a visionary if you think about it -- your proto-IM conversations in Jumpin Jack Flash pretty much formed the basis for how people conduct themselves in today's anonymous chatrooms.

So, the thing about you that I always admired most was how you just don't give a FUCK, yaknow? Whatever anyone thinks, you just do your thing.

Back in the day during Comic Relief specials, even though Billy Crystal and Robin Williams and Sam Kinison would do these sets that would just *kill* and have the audience dying, and when you got on stage it was like crickets --it didn't phase you at all. Not only did you finish your set but you kept doing the thing where you went up and interrupted *their* sets and broke up their flow because that's what you wanted to do and you didn't give a FUCK!


And ballsy!

Whoop's gonna do what Whoop's gonna do.

So, the reason I'm choosing to write you now after all these years is obviously cause of the n-word stuff on The View.

Here's the thing: I'm an, a dick. It's obvs tough to tell from this letter since I'm kissing your ass (i know i am, it's ok) but in real life, I tend to get in people's faces-n-shit.

The problem that I have, that I wanted to get your advice on, is this: when I see really sincere people showing human emotion and begging me for their empathy, I keep like, giving in to them. I back down and start treating them like human beings because I get this feeling that in the end, we're all people who are ultimately subject to the same tribulations inherent to the human condition.

But like, FUCK that, you know?

Like academically, I know that I shouldn't be swayed by their tears but should be like, eyes on the prize, you know, channel anger from slavery or something and just FUCKEM and roll right over them with a steamroller, you know? RRRRR!!!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Steamroller!!! ya know?

So my question is this: how do you do it? Do you have like a technique or something that you use? Do you meditate?

The View was a perfect example -- that little white slut Elisabeth was like, playing that Rodney King card like "can't we all just get along?" and you're like NO BITCH, we really can't because people I never knew 200 years ago were slaves for people who look JUST LIKE YOU. And I was in the Alice Walker movie of it, etc, yaknow?

And even when she's like, almost crying, you're like "Steamroller!"

Jesus christ, you are one heartless CUNT! Lemme get your big black autograph!??!

DAMN whoop; awesome stuff.

That was good, but the climax is obviously when she's appealing to you, literally crying, and you like, have a chance to help heal race relations by being a role-model to other whiny angry blacks, but instead you're like, NO - I'M STILL ANGRY - and she - lol! - she starts saying this really objective and impossible-to-argue-against shit like "We all live in the same world!" and you're all "no we don't?!" LOL!!! And you can hear how scared the audience is to disagree with you cause you're so black and if they disagree they're RACIST.

That's some emperor's new clothes shit right there - I'm totally stealing that from you in my next argument --they're like, "Ice is cold," and I'm just gonna be all "NO IT'S NOT!!" -- just be like, "I'm black, and I'm saying Ice is hot" and they have to listen and back down!!

Completely fucking rules, thx.

Another thing we have in common: I'm totally into white pussy.

How pissed are you that Elisabeth is married to that football player?? --because now like in 5 years when she's a complete hasbeen, there's still no way she'll be doin porn because she'll just have all his money to live on.

Fucking dumb white stringy bitch but, oh MAN, i would get up in that. I'd be up to my nuts in guts Whoop!!!!

btw, I was thinking since she's all "I never used a vibrator" if you ever get to tap that backstage, you should get some big black veiny strap-on and just be like, "SAY HELLO TO MY LEEETLE FRIEND!" I would be so psyched to watch her walk funny.

In summary, Whoop: props.

Keep doin' what you do.

If you do get her ass to walk funny, maybe you can just drop me a note when the episode is about to air cause I will totally tivo and pump off to that shit for *months*!

thanks for everything "ms. Goldberg" ;)

take care,

(ED Note: Unless you're like really stupid, go read more Blognigger right the fuck now. Even Gawker has given this dude his own tag category: Black every day for 32 years; never a nigger until Wall st. moved to Brooklyn).

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ProblemWithCaring said...

OMG - whoopie goldberg will have to clean a white person's house on daytime TV before she ever looses the mantel of angry black woman...

Its like she is known for Jumping Jack Flash, Sister Act, and being THE angry black woman.

They were talking about the word nigger on The View, but you see, it really aint got shit to do with being Black...If you aren't angry that someone as brain dead as Elizabeth NoAssjustback is on national TV, then you just aren't paying attention.

Bklyn Negress said...

Come now, Blognigger! Do you really think Whoopi steamrolled Miss Elisabeth? If so it may do you some good to get of NYC every now and then. I witnessed more steamrolling when the Daughters of the Confederacy had to choose between naming their Lifetime Achievement Award after Jefferson Davis or Robert E. Lee. (I was there to serve the Mint Juleps)

Here is my theory – please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. I don’t think you actually believe Whoopi steamrolled Elizabeth. I think your angst is because all that loud talking caused Miss Elisabeth to shed a tear or two. After all, for a self-professed lover of white pussy I’m sure there’s nothing more upsetting than watching that pussy cry and feeling powerless to do anything about it. And let’s face it -- Whoopi is an easy target. If only because she doesn't easily fit many of those uncomfortable stereotypes about black women. Not in the same way that Sherri Shepherd and many of our aunties do – and Brah, I know you know what I’m saying.

So tell me, did I get it right? Come on – I promise no one else has to know.

Blognigger said...

See, Bklyn Negress, this is why I end up with white women.

You've left me as limp as a shoelace. Seriously, it's like a turtle right now.

Bklyn Negress said...

You know,I don't speak Sell-out. In English, please.