Sunday, July 20, 2008

Please, For The Love Of Gawd, Break Up With My Brain, Heidi Montag

Dear Heidi, *

So, I've been thinking about you ever since all this bullshit dropped a couple of weeks ago over the fact that your ass made it onto Jeapordy. Like you were the answer to a Jeapordy question. YES...Alex Trebek Jeapordy...the real motherfucking Jeapordy.


Ok. Well, my take away was this: Al Gore is right; we are in a crisis shituation (...and I need HELP).

Talk to my ass about the ozone layer and recycling and carbon offsets and all that shit...I get it...I really do. I drink 6 to 8 cans of diet coke every day and every single one of those motherfuckers gets recycled. But, I've said it before: the REAL, for really real shit that we alll need to be concerned about is you.

You are currently surfing: the airwaves, the radiowaves, the gossip rag waves, the policital/election soundbyte waves, the Christian religious right waves, the fashion industry/mall tour waves, and now the TV trivia gameshow waves (!?). I've got a through the roof tolerance level for whiny, annoying, Dlist celebrity douches, and even I can't handle the site of your ass anymore.

And yet here I am...RIGHT AT THIS VERY SECOND (type, type, click, click) writing about you on my blog.

I hate you...and yet I can't stop.

It makes me want to barf that people are paying so much goddamned attention to you...and yet I AM paying so much goddmaned attention to you right fucking now with this missive about how much you annoy the living shit out of me.

(Help. Me. Please.)

Le sigh.

And now the latest is that you've come out and said that you would really like to collab with Britney Spears or Madonna in the future. You know, after your musical career continues to sky rocket and you...I don't know, win a fucking Grammy or something.

BUT you know what the craziest thing is about all of this bullshit!? I can kinda maybe see it happening--THAT's the motherfucking scary part. Like, I can maybe, possibly envision the fact that you could collaborate with Britney at some point.

Like why the fuck not?

So, what am I suppos'd to do with all this information, Heidi-HO? Really? Where am I supposed to put it? How do I process this shit, because like, there is no room left in my brain for it.

I'm all out of ideas.

Yo, Spencer,

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