Sunday, July 13, 2008

Brangelina Drops A Deuce: Welcome Jolie-Pitt Twinsies!

PLEASE NOTE: These are not the actual fucking twinsies, people. Who the frig do you think I am? God Almighty??

Dear Knox Leon & Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt, *?


You two little mini baby bitches sure took your own sweet time making your entrance--very clever, of course. Not since, I don't know the American Idol finale (?), has the world been so glued to the edge of their seats waiting, hoping, wondering, "did they/or didn't they finally drop?"

Though you will, no doubt, be clamoring to crawl back into the peace and comfort of Mama Angelina's womb in the years to come, let me be the 1,023,443rd person to say: Welcome, Brange twinsies!

A few things to note:

*PHOTO SHOOTS: OK! Magazine has probably already got a shoot planned to for both your asses, so you might want to cleanse for the next few days, you know, just to get rid of all of your toxins. Stay away from carbs and plan to spend some serious time at the gym. For $15+ millies, you better look your fucking best.

*INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL & YOUR IMAGE: You guys better get your fucking passport photos, toot sweets. Mommy and Daddy like to jetset...a lot. And you do NOT want to be stuck at home with the fucking nanny brigade while mom, dad and the rest of your Brady Bunch brood are building schools in Africa-n-shit, simply because you did not fill out all of your paperwork properly. It's not gonna be easy to steal the spotlight from your other bros and sissies (Shiloh is already poised for supermodel status, Maddox is fucking hot and Pax and Z both have way better names than you do), so you bitches have gots to be in it to win it.

*SCIENTOLOGY = BAD: Try to keep your distance from the Cruises, the Smiths and the Beckhams...that Scientology shit is whack. Do NOT, under any circumstance allow your asses to be sent to Will & Jada's new scientology training camp private school.

*YOU ARE NOT FRENCH: Also, please understand that just cuz you were born in France, it does not mean that you are French. After you figure this out, please share this information with Johan & Francois from Real Housewives of New York City.

K so this is it guys...time to step up to the plate. You two little Brange mini me's are officially the most famous celebu-spawn in the history of Planet Earth.

Don't fuck this up, baby bitches.

Rattle my cage,

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

woo hoo! they finally made it! is it possible that these kids will be even more gorgeous than the current crew? probably.