Saturday, July 12, 2008

Photoshop Awards--A Worthy Business Model? Call Me, Michael K.

Dear Michael K from Dlisted,***

Dude, you're seriously onto for really reals.

I love the shit out of almost everything on your site, so virtual fist bumps from one foul-mouthed blogger bitch to another. But true confessions: nothing brings me quite as much joy as your semi-regular Photoshop Awards posts.

For those that might be unfamiliar, Photoshop Awards pays homage to the latest and greatest photoshop feats of fabulosity in the world of celebu-tainment. Generally, we're talking mag covers here, but album covers, publicity photos and the like are also in the mixx.

My affection for the Photoshop Awards, I think, stems mostly from the fact that despite my overtly jaded, bitter and mostly unforgiving outlook toward celebs, I'm genuinely surprised when you point out that Mariah doesn't actually look like this in real life. I'm a smart girl, really I am--but somehow I'm always left thinking, wow...photoshop?? Really?

I mean, like take Jennifer Hudson here. Who knew you cold go from pretty (but pleasantly plump) to this with a few choice clicks:

Deep down, I think most girls are thinking: "I'd photoshop my ass up all day, all night and twice on Sunday in order to look as good as these bitches." Duh. I mean, obvs, we all want to always look our best and, so that got my wheels spinning: maybe....just maybe photoshop is the answer to all of our problems?

So, here's what I'm thinkin: Photoshop Phreaks 4 U dot com. It's catchy, right?

We can hire a team of Indian personal photoshop assistants who will be standing by 24 hours a day to take any normal photo from flab to fab in 2 to 4 hours or less. We can charge--I don't know--$19.95 a photo?

I mean, we'd be offering the world-at-large a public service by basically ensuring that everyone on the planet looks way better than they actually look in real life. If we do this right, we could single-handedly wipe out ugly and/or fat once and for all!

As an experiment, I took the following original photo of my next door neighbor Lisa:

Then I sent it off to and clickity-click-click, here's how it looks now:

As you can see, the results are nothing short of spectacular!

Like a born again Christian Evangelist, I have seen the divine magic of photoshop firsthand. And I for one don't ever wanna go back.

I have just sent off all of my wedding photos, yearbooks, baby pictures and photo ID's to immediately be photoshop-ified up. I asked for the platinum "Mariah Carey" bikini package (this is where all photos are reworked to include you in a bikini, no matter what the circumstance or setting), so I hope to enter a few in your next batch of Photoshop Award contenders.

Anyway, Michael, give it a long hard think. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure this idea = gold.

Call me if you wanna make some millies.

Smiling for the camera,

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