SYTYCD Week 5: Beautiful Dynamite & Extremely Erotic Crotch Bumpin'

Dear Everyone, ***

Ok, I really wanted to get my socks knocked off tonight, and like, that didn't happen. It's weird b/c you'd think, as someone like myself who is totally ob'd with this show, 2 dances for each couple would be my wet dream come true. I mean, more dancing!? It's a no brainer, right?

WRONG.

I think I realized tonight that because there are soo many dances, we are way more likely to see:
*dances we hate like the quickstep
*so so choreographers like Tony Meredith-n-company
*totally spent contestants
*not enough Cat
*not enough goofy video

I dont know. I mean, it was better tonight with two more contestants gone...and I'm not really suggesting that they shorten the show and get rid of the dancing, but I'm also not totally feeling like this current format is a home run during these two hour two dance weeks. What do you loozeers, think?

Mary looked like she was getting picked up for the prom tonight, so I totally dug that. I think Nigel should have given her a corsage though--that would have been sweet. Mia, of course, was decked out in "cool"--or so she thought. Again, she gives us the undercover lez shoutouts as she donned a hat that seemed to scream "I must be on your head, Samantha Ronson" and then spent the biggest chunk of time during the evening waxing poetic about Chelsie Hightower's legs.

Anyway.

Now for the motherfucking dancing:

Chelsie & Mark
Dance #1
Choreographer: Alex Da Silva
Salsa
Hot Damn! I'm having difficulty thinking of anything in the world that would make me happier than Mark in a jumpsuit. Holy la cucaracha, that was smokin. I think Mia had the best line of the night when she said to Chelsea: "I want to stab you, you're so gorgeous." People say that to me all the time, so like yeah...I could t-o-t-a-l-l-y relate. I know my ass is on repeat, but these two can seriously do no wrong. Personally, I did not think that Mark was awkward at all (as the judges did), but like maybe he was a teeny bit awkward b/c he was WEARING A SKINTIGHT JUMPSUIT?? Just a thought.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Broadway
Well, that was fun! (except for the moment when we were forced to imagine Nigel and Cat knockin' boots). God, I'm already boring the shit out of myself with these two b/c there is just nothing more to say: They rock. Harrrd. Always. And forever.

Comfort & Thayne
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tabitha & Napoleon
Hip to the Hop
What a kick ass freakin' routine, choreography-wise. I think we learned two things here: 1. Thayne simply c-a-n-n-o-t handle badass 2. Cat is the most loving and thoughtful of all TV hosts in the history of the moving picture. She tried to go to bat for these two and Nigel was all "uh uh, bizzatch," but the fact that she tried, makes me love her long time. As for their performance: meh...I'm really just done with these two. I've tried and tried, but I just don't like Comfort at all and Thayne is too smiley for a bitch ass ho like myself.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Contemporary
Was it me, or did no one clap for them after they finished? OUCH, motherfuckers. Mandy Moore is the absolute queen of those super cool "touch me at all times" choreography moves--that is so her flava, and I really dig it. But for reals, I think its sort of pointless to even have tomorrow night's show. I mean, can't we just vote these two off right fucking now and have more time for everyone to perform again manyana?

Will & Jessica
Dance #1
Choreographer: Tyce Diorio
Contemporary
"This piece is so much more than dance." Uhm, thanks Jess, but that was Josh's line from last week, so......yeeah. Ok, true confessions: I was mesmerized by this joint and, for perhaps the first time all season, was even diggin' Jess. This was gorge, from start to finish, so bravo, Tyce. As for Will, Holy mother of Christ. His body is sick--I'm talking like AIDS sick. I feel dirrty after watching that...and I like it a lot.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Tony Meredith & Melanie
Quickstep
Can we call this "quickstab" instead of quickstep, as watching it makes me feel like stabbing my eyes out? I mean, it was cute, but aside from the Mary Lou Rhetton stuff in the beginning I was bored to Gev.

Courtney & Gev
Dance #1
Choreographer: Anya & Pasha (woot!)
Cha Cha
*Hot Tamale Train
Ok, this was magic for me too, Mary. These were two sexy ass bitches out there on the dance floor. Nigel thinks they're the best paired couple of the group, and he's not far off (I say Chelsie & Mark are #1), but these two have mad chemistry. They should make some babies together.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Mandy Moore
Jazz
Where in the world is Courtney-n-Gev? Right fucking here, fools! This Rocked--Nigel what's your fuckin' beef? This dance was loads of fun and these two can romance my stone, anyyyyytime.

Twitchington
Dance #1
Choregorapher: Lil' C
Krump
Kherrington done gone and bucked my shit UP! That was krump-tacular! As per u, Mary and I are on the same fuckin page: 1st krump krush in four seasons. These two knocked it outta the park.

Dance #2
Choregorapher: Jean-Marc Generaux
Tango
Yeah, the lights and music were more dramatic than the dancing on this joint for me. Also, Kherrington's skirt was ridiculously distracting and totally did not go with the elegant vibe of her top. Blah, blah, meh.

Katee & Joshua
Dance #1
Choreographer: Jean-Marc Generaux
Viennese Waltz
As a general rule, I don't like dances with ghosts...so right off the bat, I was not really down with this one. They were both pretty good, and I did dig the lifts, but this was just ok for me, dawg.

Dance #2
Choreographer: Nakul & Marla ?
Bollywood (nice!)
*Hot Tamale Train - Vindaloo Express
Best fuckin number of the night alert, homies. LOVED this. I loved the energy and the costumes and the music. Hot, hot, hot. My face = rocked the eff off.

K, so here are my bottom three couples (even though two of em are not even real picks and are just there because I hafta):
*Comfort & Thayne (again)
*Will & Jessica (only cause Jess NEEDS to go bye bye...again)
*Courtney & Gev (only cause America is stupid)

And goin home?: Comfort & Thayne

Vote big or go home.

(Obama for President),
me

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