Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Trailer Parks, Metrosexuals & Pretty Boys: Mr. Ex Star Jones Is 'Separating The Gossip From The Facts'

Dear Mr. Ex-Star Jones
, *

Holy. Freakin. Brilliantness.

I have just partaken in a thorough viewing of all three juicy, nugget-filled videos on the newly launched AlReynoldsChannel, and I have the following immediate reactions to share with you:

*I LOVE the AlReynoldsChannel...perhaps more than I have loved any other self-created, fake TV channel that I have ever come into contact with (as such, I have subscribed to all future AlReynoldsChannel posts).

*I am prepared to forego other, regularly scheduled network and/or cable broadcast programming in order to fully commit to immersing myself in future AlReynolds programming.

*I am now under the impression that everyone--particularly other "misunderstood" D list celebs--should immediately get thee to a broadcast studio, hire a fake interviewer, and create their own set of fake interview videos for their own fake youtube channel. WE WILL WATCH IT...I promise you.

*And Your Heart Goes 'Whoo,' should obvs be the name of your next Book/DVD/TV show/Puclicity Tour, et al.

*Your continued use of "I didn't share this with you," in the fake videos, is an extremely effective tool in creating the illusion that: you're about to say something interesting (you're not); "we" have an intimacy that would allow for sharing secrets (we do!); and that we care what is about to come out of your mouth next (we don't...and yet we do). Complicated shit, right??

(and most importantly)
*YOU ARE NOT GAY NOW, NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN G-A-Y! - Gotta be straight with you Al, this was your one major misstep. I guess you're not up on the news lately, what with all of the preparation you have likely been pouring into your fake interviews for your fake TV channel-n-all, but its actually way cooler now to be gay than straight. "If anyone knew the damage it has caused me, they would understand why I'm very agressive about this." Uhm...what sort of damage, Al? Goin' gay is pretty much your one and only trump card in this whole crazy, effed up Star Jones mindfuck of a shituation you've gotten yourself into. Unless you want to be known as SJ's lameass douche of an ex-husband 4-eva, I would highly recommend that you come out of the closet immediately, date Lance Bass and let us all get on with our own ridiculousness.

Anyway Al, Bravo!

It was rad to start off my morn with all that mad truth that you dropped right on my fucking face. Please, please, for the love of God please, add more videos to the AlReynoldsChannel soon, k? In the meantime, I'l call Time Warner to cancel our cable.

Al B Sure,

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