Dear Chad from Million Dollar Listing, *
I owe you a huge, Portobello mushroom-sized thank you! A Shitaki, kawasaki Merci! A Porcini Fellini grande Gracias!
Here's why: for the first time in the history of my ongoing obsession with reality TV, I've F-I-N-A-L-L-Y found a dude that I hate more than Spencer from The Hills...and its YOU!!
This has sort of been like a major development in my little corner of the dub dub dub, so true confessions: its kind of exciting!
I mean, I've already invested quite a bit of time in my Spencer Pratt hatred, but even with the premiere of the new season of The Hills last week, it's still been feeling a bit stale lately. Like, we just haven't been connecting the same way we used to.
And that's why, just a few minutes into the Million Dollar Listing premiere a few weeks ago, I knew that you and I would have something rully, rully special goin' on.
Of course, I'm not the first one to notice that you're a totally colossal douche (and something tells me, I won't be the last, LOL!), but still it feels exhilirating and brand new in like a really meaningful sort of a way, ya know?
So, in an effort to just get everything out on the table, here are my top 5 fave things about you that I love to hate:
- Your manorexia & fake spirituality - This extra video footage from Bravo.com was like hitting fucking paydirt! We learned that you go to Erewhon in LA to "chill out" at the Chinese Elixir Bar with "Mr. Truth" (uhm, Erewhon is a supermarket for anyone whose never been to LA), and also that you did the Master Cleanse for 50 days last year. Five Oh!? For 50 days you "ate" nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Oh, uhm, but NOT for weight loss...it was all about your spiritual journey! LOVE
- Your hair - Duh. You've got a freaking mushroom cloud that could give Nagasaki a run for its money, yo. And perhaps my fave scene thus far came in ep two when your own hairdresser was like "dude...you kinda look like a moron." And you were all "nah, nah, bro...this is how we're gonna work it." Then you grabbed the hairspray and went to town and, like all was good in the hood again. One Love.
idiotic"gorgeous" girlfriend - Cause, uhm, it's like pretty obvs that you're totally gay. And that girl is like what, 16? And your obvies just dating her so that you can sneak into the bathroom and use her make-up-n-shit.
- Your Daddy Issues - Waaa, Waaa, "my daddy never loved me, blah, blah"...SHUT IT. "I do all of this in an effort to seek his approval." Awww (cue the violins). Poor widdle bitty Chaddy cakes :(
- Your insane and uncontollable jealousy toward Josh Flagg - Now, don't get me wrong, Josh Flagg seems like quite a douchtard himself. But also he's only 21, AND unlike you, at least exhibits some occasional moments of intelligence (i.e. how he confessed that he likes to work all his gram's rich friends for listings when they die). Your whole "Ron Richards" ridiculousness when you refused to show J Flagg the condo was so over the top pathetic, I literally had to be held back from spitting at my flatscreen. Like, literally.
And, boy does it feel good.