Wednesday, August 13, 2008

You May Have Won 1,000 Gold Medals, Michael Phelps, But That Doesn't Mean That You're Not A Major Asshole


Dear Michael Phelps, ***

You're quite the little mer-man, huh?

As of last count, you've already won eight gold medals at the Olympic games in Beijing, making you like the most successful Olympic athlete in the history of the universe. Your ass is pretty much the talk of the town for the good ole U.S. of A, so like congrats.

Not that I've been watching you (because I hate the Olympics), but I do like to stay on top of what's going on in the world so I don't look like an idiot if I'm ever required to make small talk with someone in an elevator or at a drug possession hearing or something.

So yeah, you're a kick ass swimmer, you're pretty hot, and also you have really nice man rivers. I mean, you seem like a nice enough dude and gold medals are cool-n-all, so I really had nothing against you...until, that is, I saw this:

"They did a special piece on Phelps before tonight’s coverage began in which Phelps mentioned that he must eat up to 10,000 calories a day. For breakfast that includes 3 fried-egg sandwiches, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayonnaise, an omelette, a bowl of grits, and three slices of french toast with powdered sugar, all washed down with 3 chocolate chip pancakes. "

See, now that seriously pisses me off. And now I kinda think that you're a major asshole. Why you gotta start sayin' shit like that??

Here's why I got beef:

Wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning??

  • yogurt
  • 1/4 of a cup of puffed cereal
Wanna know what I WISHED I had for breakfast this morning?
  • 3 fried egg sandwiches (w/ cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions & mayo)
  • an omelette
  • 3 slices of french toast w/ powdered sugar
  • 3 chocolate chip pancakes
Right.

I'm pretty sure I hate you, Michael Phelps.

So, like I get that you are swimming your little ass off all the live long day and that that's the only reason you can eat like this, but also I probably really would have appreciated you lying.

I mean, I've basically gotta use every single freakin molecule of willpower I have floatin around in my brain not to eat all that shit every morning, and you mentioning that fried egg and cheese sandys are part of your everyday properly balanced breakfast lookin all hot and ripped like you do...well, its kind of a slap in the face, Michael.

I don't like hearin about how you eat 10,000+ calories a day when I'm fighting off an urge to down an entire bag of puffed cheetos in the middle of the afternoon. Or remembering how you're pretty much on the "all pizza and pasta all the time" diet as I go to heat up my Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatball meal.

I'm pretty sure I speak for chubsters everywhere when I say that some things in life need to remain private...and this is exactly the sort of shit that your little swim trunk'd ass needs to keep on the DL.

Thx.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself,
my fat ass

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35 comments:

Little Miss K said...

Sorry, Michael...that makes me kinda angry too! (I had oatmeal for breakfast and it was not very good).

Anonymous said...

Your bod is motivating me to get my ass to the gym.

Matt Geller said...

10k calories a day would be a pain in the ass. When I see all he has to eat I feel sorry for him. Think about all the time he has to spend fueling himself for competition. The really sad part is fat asses like you dream of eating like a 12 year old fat farm escapee. GET A HOBBY preferably one that involves physical activity. If you wish you could do what he does and eat like that then you should be happy for him and not pissed off. Ease up of the haterade. Life is to short to lash scorn on people that have it better than you. BTW I EAT WHATEVER I WANT WHENEVER I WANT... but i look at food as fuel and not a hobby, and I am fit as hell with comparatively minimal exercise. So at least I got that going for me...

carlalala said...

Well, now its pretty much a guarantee that the Michael Phelps diet book will be on shelves this Fall

Anonymous said...

This guy is definitely super hot but I'm with you. I don't feel like hearing about all the crap he eats all the time when I have to run on the treadmill for an extra hour everytime I forget to order a skim cappucino. screw you phelps!

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

I'm sure this blogger is a pathetic, neurotic, skinny-as-a-rail chick. I could be wrong but I don't care. He's an asshole because you can't balance diet and exercise? Go throw up your lunch, whiner. And did you notice that he DOESN'T eat lots of processed food? Guess what, that Lean Cuisine is NOT good for you. Nor is your coffee good for you, previous anonymous poster. Guess what the lowest calorie, lowest sodium entree at TGI Friday's is? The sirloin. I'm not angry at Phelps, I feel sad for you pathetic people who listen more to the advice of other people than to your own digestive system. Way to fail.

TG said...

Uh, hi. I haven't ever posted before, but I read this blog alot and always think its really funny. I'm not sure if anyone else noticed, but mostly everything on this blog is pretty sarcastic and humor-based. My guess is that Erica probably doesn't really hate Michael Phelps or genuinely think that he's an asshole because he eats pancakes and is skinny. I could be wrong, but I'm just sayin you guys could probably take it down a notch. Also, coffee might not be good for you, but I don't care...I can't stop drinking it.

Thomas said...

You are going to insult someone for mentioning their breakfast because they were asked about it? No one asked for your breakfast details but you blurt them out even if they piss of people. I wish I could eat as little you do at breakfast. I am an athletic person but I am far from skinny around 285 lbs now if I had to guess. I was an athlete all my life, and have always been considered overweight even though I excelled in my sports (Football and wrestling). I had to eat a 5,000+ Calorie a day diet when I was competing as a heavyweight for my wrestling team in college. Now I've graduated and have a primarily desk job and wish I could eat that little because I don't nearly get the same exercise as I did before and its hard to bring down that diet. Think about how hard it will be for him when he retires from competition. He has to ween himself off from that diet otherwise he will run into huge health problems. Try cutting your diet back by 80%+ for extended periods of time. Like everyone else, to make those changes it takes time, dedication, and patience. There's no need for this kind of crap in your blog.

So, from another 'chubster' check yourself before you wreck yourself, hypocrite.

Anonymous said...

FAAAAAAAAIL

Anonymous said...

You people are all seriously pathetic. If this post was about some stupid celebrity, no one would give a shit and everyone would be laughing. Because its about Michael Phelps, and the olympics is going on right now, everyone's got a stick up their ass. You're all happy to wave your American flags now and be all rah rah about America and our athletes when two months ago nobody cared about shit. Our economy is in the toilet, we've got 2-3 possible new wars brewing and you losers are all sitting around taking turns blowing this swimmer guy. Relax. This isn't ESPN...go there if you want actual olympics event coverage.

tonia said...

holy crap - you hate posters need to calm down. this is a funny blog...today's post was a funny post. read elsewhere if you want to be all righteous.

YouFatMoose said...

Well maybe the lady that wrote this blog should get off her fat ass and go for a jog instead of writing blogs in front of the computer. Then you could eat more than 1/4 cup of yogurt....ya fat turkey. I bet you're sitting there in your fat women's sundress fantasizing about Phelps. Go for a walk ya fat tub of SH!T

MadHatter said...

Instead of blogging, maybe you should go for a walk ya fat turkey. Then you could eat more than your 1/4 cup of yogurt. Blame it on your parents for giving you shitty genes. Don't hate the gifted :)

Bklyn Betty said...

HOLY CRAP, you people need to reee-lax!!

Why doesn't everyone who feels the need to call this blogger (who writes a really funny blog that I like to read everyday, thank you very much)all sorts of ridiculous, childish names GO READ ANOTHER FREAKING BLOG!?

Who are you people!? The Olympics Mafia?

Anonymous said...

holy shit people. relax. deep breaths. dfa is the funniest F-ing blog out there. Sounds like some folks might benefit from a lesson in sarcasm. just an idea. check yo self.

Rick Jackson said...

Whoa hate posters!!! Who are you? My guess is you're some Olympic bandwagoners googling Michael Phelps and happened across this post with NO point of reference as to what Dear Famous Asshole is or stands for. By the way, it's the Cursiest Blog on the Motherfuckin' internet, analyzes the shit out of the most intellectual pop songs of the day, offers the BEST and most in-depth coverage of SYTYCD and the Miley/Mandy/ACDC dance-off, and is by far my FAVORITE blog on the net. So before spewing your unfounded hate words why don't you try reading some other DFA posts?? You'll probably like it... it FUCKING ROCKS!

Erich said...

Jealous Much? He doesn't eat all that to ~brag~ for gosh sake... he eats all that because he has to in order to maintain his workout regimen. Many people find it fascinating what a world class athlete eats... and we don't get all jealous and insecure about it. geesh...

MadHatter said...

Rick Jackson is probably a fat shit too, go get some of the fat turkey's yogurt. Cut out the carbs too tubby ;p

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing madhatter is one hot, mofo, ladykiller! Probably has to fight all the chicks off with a stick!!

Anonymous said...

You expend as much energy as Phelps does and you'll be able to eat whatever you want. He swims for five hours a day - if he ate like a normal person his age, he would be burning far too many calories compared to the calorie intake. It would be completely unhealthy. Why is he an asshole for eating what he has to to stay healthy? Someone asked him what he eats, he answered. It's ridiculous that you're blaming him for the fact that you don't like your breakfast. He isn't, you know, forcing you to eat things that you don't like.

And for the person who said whatever about waving our American flags, I'm Canadian and I generally hate the States, but I think Phelps is an amazing athlete, and he doesn't deserve to have this crap unloaded on him just because, you know, he's doing what's essential for his health.

Anonymous said...

i think the blogger was humoring us...

funny hehe :p

MadHatter said...

Anonymous, you're spot on...you must know me from somewhere. Pimpin ain't easy, but it sure is fun ;p

Katelyn Lutman said...

This is the funniest thing I've read all day - and I hear your pain!! Even though my husband is no Michael Phelps, he is a skinny asshole who can eat whatever he wants and not gain a friggin pound, while I've been Turbo Jamming my ass off and eating turkey sandwiches for a month and GAINED 3 pounds!!

Thanks for the laugh :)

Anonymous said...

He's an asshole because he is, I've heard in fact a real asshole of the arrogant prick variety. Plus he was arrested for drunk driving and was forced to be a spokesperson for MAAD to help fix his image. Douche!

Sharon Cobb said...

Love your post.
I'm glad you "got" me and I obviously "get' you.
I can't understand how people are missing the obvious humor of it all.

Anonymous said...

Wow are you boring, chunky

amercanady said...

Do you know how to swim?

Betty Hocker said...

Loves it! Nice one, E. You clearly know how to incite the fiery fourth grade fatty rhetoric from a bunch of a-holes.

P.S. I'm so proud of you!

ThoseAreMyShoes said...

THEN GO AND TRY TO TRAIN FOR 5-6 HOURS A DAY, ASSHOLES! I BET YOU WON'T HAVE ENERGY LEFT FOR BITCHING ABOUT HOW "LUCKY" HE IS. GO AND START WORK OUT HARD THEN HAVE A BIG MOUTH. THIS GUY TRAINS AS HARD AS HE CAN, AND I DO RESPECT PEOPLE WHO DO THAT. WHAT DO YOU DO BESIDES WRITING BLOGS?

rachel. said...

hahahahah wow, dear famous asshole?

you're pathetic.
if you honestly have a problem with just hearing michael talk about his diet, stop reading about him, or however you found that out. his diet doesn't make him an asshole, it makes him a dedicated swimmer that brought gold medals home. its hilarious to me that you all are getting bent out of shape because you can't eat the way he does. if you honestly spend your time whining about what michael phelps eats, you're pathetic. go on with your life, really. he has to eat all of that to swim the way he does, i have at least 10 best friends that are swimmers, they eat like crazy.. and don't gain anything.. but i'm not complaining, am i? you don't even personally know michael, there is no reason to call him an asshole. please, stop your pity party.. it's sad.

Anonymous said...

He is asshole he spit on mark spits

Anonymous said...

OK WHOEVER WROTE THIS GOD DAMN RANT ABOUT MICHAEL IS A FREAKING RETARD. THE ONLY REASON HE EATS THAT MUCH FOOD IS BECAUSE HE HAS TO IN ORDER TO HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO TRAIN THAT HARD. OKAY I AM A SWIMMER AND I WOULD KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. I LOVE MICHAEL AND WHEN I MARRY HIM YOU WILL ALL BE JEALOUS. now go eat a salad fatty!!!!!!

woody628 said...

Michael is a pot smokin' drunk driver who does not deserve to represent our country.

Anonymous said...

Dear Famous Asshole Editor(s),

Who wrote the Phelps piece? Whoever, you are you're a very funny fucker (I like that.) What do you call a queer indian? A brave fucker. That's a gift, my dear, and I hope you are laughing and not on the phone right now calling the Anti-Defamation League of Native Americans and First Nation. Thnx. BraveFuckerCox@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

This makes me hungry!!!