Dear Michael Phelps, ***
You're quite the little mer-man, huh?
As of last count, you've already won eight gold medals at the Olympic games in Beijing, making you like the most successful Olympic athlete in the history of the universe. Your ass is pretty much the talk of the town for the good ole U.S. of A, so like congrats.
Not that I've been watching you (because I hate the Olympics), but I do like to stay on top of what's going on in the world so I don't look like an idiot if I'm ever required to make small talk with someone in an elevator or at a drug possession hearing or something.
So yeah, you're a kick ass swimmer, you're pretty hot, and also you have really nice man rivers. I mean, you seem like a nice enough dude and gold medals are cool-n-all, so I really had nothing against you...until, that is, I saw this:
"They did a special piece on Phelps before tonight’s coverage began in which Phelps mentioned that he must eat up to 10,000 calories a day. For breakfast that includes 3 fried-egg sandwiches, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions, and mayonnaise, an omelette, a bowl of grits, and three slices of french toast with powdered sugar, all washed down with 3 chocolate chip pancakes. "
See, now that seriously pisses me off. And now I kinda think that you're a major asshole. Why you gotta start sayin' shit like that??
Here's why I got beef:
Wanna know what I had for breakfast this morning??
- 1/4 of a cup of puffed cereal
- 3 fried egg sandwiches (w/ cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions & mayo)
- an omelette
- 3 slices of french toast w/ powdered sugar
- 3 chocolate chip pancakes
I'm pretty sure I hate you, Michael Phelps.
So, like I get that you are swimming your little ass off all the live long day and that that's the only reason you can eat like this, but also I probably really would have appreciated you lying.
I mean, I've basically gotta use every single freakin molecule of willpower I have floatin around in my brain not to eat all that shit every morning, and you mentioning that fried egg and cheese sandys are part of your everyday properly balanced breakfast lookin all hot and ripped like you do...well, its kind of a slap in the face, Michael.
I don't like hearin about how you eat 10,000+ calories a day when I'm fighting off an urge to down an entire bag of puffed cheetos in the middle of the afternoon. Or remembering how you're pretty much on the "all pizza and pasta all the time" diet as I go to heat up my Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatball meal.
I'm pretty sure I speak for chubsters everywhere when I say that some things in life need to remain private...and this is exactly the sort of shit that your little swim trunk'd ass needs to keep on the DL.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself,
my fat ass