Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Jordin Sparks, The Jonas Brothers or Bristol Palin...Whose Purity Ring Is The Coolest??

Dear Jordin, **

Many thanks for your lecture on teen purity and abstinence during Sunday night's VMA awards.

I wasn't aware that "purity rings" were as cool as tats or Aderall these days, but I'm old and married, so what the fuck do I know. If the JoBros are wearing em, I guess they're pretty fucking popular.

It was sorta rad that you were standing up for yourself and shouting the "not everybody wants to be a slut" message from the rooftops...except that, mostly everyone does.

Case in point: Britney Spears mamz has a book coming out in a couple of weeks that, among other things details the following:

While Brit Brit was prancing around town wearing her chastity belt back in the day and singing the praises of virginity, she was also busy fucking the captain of the HS football team as he snorted coke off her abdomen in the back of her private jet. Or some shit like that...you get the picture.

Oh, and also...I'm guessing that abstinence and purity rings are totes the birth control method of choice for VPilf Sarah Palin-n-her brood. She and her God-lovin community probs worked so hard to instill the principles of a chaste lifestyle in her daughter Bristol, and like obvies that worked like a fucking charm.

You're a totally cute girl, Jordin and also a great singer, so I will not for one hot minute participate in any discussion of how wide your ass is, however, I'm also feeling like you should just shut the eff up about this whole purity ring thing.

Here's why: purity rings are fucking retarded.

I def don't want to know what's going on in the lives of most teens b/c I probably couldn't handle it, but my guess is that 98% of them could name at least 5 kama sutra poses more easily than they could 5 U.S. Presidents. We can dance around that shit all day and night if you'd like (to a fucking Jonas Bros album even), but its not gonna change the facts. I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying it is what it is.

Now, I was NOT a two bit whore myself at the age of 15....BUT, I also didn't need to wear a fucking purity ring in order to advertise this fact to the world at large. Why is that anyone's business? WTF does a purity ring even mean?? And sidenote: why does every fucking aspect of what we say and do in our society need an accompanying material expression? Does every goddammed thing we say need a friggin exclamation point??!!


I'll tell you something else: If I WAS a two bit whore at the age of 15, you can bet your ass I'd throw one of those suckers on my finger tout de suite just to get my parents off my own slut scent. In fact, I would even venture to guess that all those mofos wearing purity rings at this very minute are at least twice as slutty as all the bitches who don't wear them. These are probably the nastiest, skankiest, freakiest of all the High School whores.

Oh, snap!

Hence, the utter ridiculousness of all of this purity ring bullshit.


Purity rings are just about the stupidest fucking invention I've ever heard of. And If I ever see anyone wearing one (JoBro or no), I might not be able to stop myself from punching the offending idiot directly in the face on principle alone.

I really don't give a shit if you're a slut or not...that's your issue But if you think you're going to convey the fact that you are chaste to me with a fucking purity ring instead of your own actions...and your own words...and your own outfits...than you're way stupider than all of Sanjaya's hairdos.

Girls just wanna have fun,

p.s. Russell Brand was a complete disaster, but this purity ring crap had nothing to do with it.

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Blognigger said...

russell gland is a faggot for being unfunny but mostly for apologizing about the promise ring joke.

if he had balls he woulda said "just kidding about the promise ring- the only ring i got from the jonas bros is this brown one around my dick."

Anonymous said...

I love you for this one. I KNOW I would have worn a purity ring if it would have make me LOOK chaste. Jordin was totally annoying with that bullshit. She knows she wanted to hump Chris Brown when they did that duet together. Or maybe that was just me. *shrug*
Great blog, BTW.

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

BN: HA! N-i-c-e! Russell Gland!? Love.

bourgie: Jordin was TOTALLY hot for Chris Brown! You are so right!