Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Hills, S4: 9 - Imagine That All Of The Brain Cells You've Lost Watching The Hills Weren't Really Lost


Dear Everyone, ***

Close your eyes and imagine that you are in a place with beautiful swaying palm trees, gorgeous hotties, slick cars, sunshine and posh, overpriced stores...we'll call it the land of La. Now imagine that you live in this place with all of your bestest friends, and you all hang out all the time, do nothing but spend your mommy and daddy's money, and basically enjoy being the bestest of friends that best friends could be, cuz really: there is nothing like a best friend.

[keep your eyes closed]

Isn't that just beautiful?

[still keep em closed]

BFF's 4 Eva, right?

Now on the count of three, open up your eyes and look at straight at your computer monitor. Get in real close and don't look anywhere but here.

1.......2......and.....THREE:

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shit.

It wasn't all a dream after all.

Thus we have last night's deep, penetrating premise of an ep of The Hills: imagine if Heidi had never met Spencer.

Apropos of the end of the universe, John Lennon got us all to "Imagine" way back when, and Spencer Pratt is obvies the one to quash all "imagining" right in its friggin ball sack.

Indeed.

If Heidi had never met Spence then: LC and Heidi would still be BFF, Audrina would still be a no one sitting out by her pool, we would have no fucking clue who on earth Lo was b/c she would be totally un-needed for the story, Brody would either be LC's fiance or not in the pic at all, Doug would still be the burrioto king, Frankie would still be pointless, Whit would still be boring as all get out, and Holly would probs be the third BFF in LC and Heidi's BFF triumvirate.

Wowzers...now wonder Holly is so into this idea!

In other earth shattering developments: Audrina is not giving anyone else a chance...not even a hot little cutietard she met named Collin who was totally into buttering her buns. Nah, dawg...ya see she just wanted to talk about JustinBobby the whole night and she was really just going out with him to make JB jealous in the first place, so Collin was all: "fuck off, beyotch"...or something like that.

The best was, when Audrina goes to tell JustinBobby (in a roundabout way, mind you...this IS Audrina after all) that she went out on a date with some other dude but basically couldn't concentrate b/c she was obsessing over JB the whole time, JustinBobby, in some brilliant mind meld move, manages to turn the whole thing around into officially giving himself permission to date other bitches.

Totally. Fucking. Brilliant.

But in the biggest news of the fucking night, Heidi gave Dear Famous Asshole a shoutout!

YES, BITCHES...its true!

She wrote LC a letter! I mean, so its not technically an actual shoutout, but we write letters here...and she wrote a letter there on TV...and VP candidates now give shoutouts, soooo....yeah. Kinda!

Here's a transcript of the letter:

Lauren, **
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I'm so sorry for every negative or hurtful comment I have ever said. That is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things didn't turn out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me.
Sincerely,
Heidi Montag

[sniff]

[Is anyone now thinking that Heidi is sort of better at stringing together sentences than Sarah Palin? Le sigh].

The whole thing was pretty sad...and was completely brought about becuz Heidi's sister Holly totally overstated LC's missingness of Heidi and made her feel like she had a snowball's chance in hell of mending her best friendship, when really she so didn't.

And we all know why. We all KNOW why Heidi and LC can never, ever, ever, never be BFF's again:

SPENCER.

[duh].

He's ruined everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He's ruined Heidi's life...he's ruined Holly's life (as it looks like she's about to get thrown out of their apt), he's ruined LC's life and taken away her BFF, he ruined Heidi's mom Darlene's life, he ruined Brody's life, Frankie's life and shit, probably Doug's life too. Oh yeah...and me. He's ruined my life as well.

So, yet again, we're here: Fuck you, Spencer. You're a stupid fucking fuck.

the rest is still unwritten,
m.e.

Related Posts by Categories



2 comments:

the FoOl said...

I'm reading backwards on your blog and I can confidently say you're too smart to be watching the Hills. Honestly. I know everyone likes to try and peep some gore when cruising by a car wreck but fuck...these ass clowns are like Fred Krueger. They can only hurt you if you believe in them.

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

@FoOL I agree wholeheartedly! I AM way too smart to be watching The Hills...and yet I can't help myself. It's become this bizarre obligation that I only vaguely enjoy these days. I've tried to resist...really, I have. But then Monday night rolls around and I get that same old itch that must be scratched, and I just cave the fuck in...game over. I am a sick, sick, woman.

Le sigh.