Dear My Fat Ass, *
Behold the hottness.
Can you even handle it?
No, of course not.
You can't handle it, you stupid fucking fuck becuz you're too busy thinking about this:
A hamburger with TWO grilled cheese sandwiches as a bun.
This sandwich is called the "Fatty Melt." Which is, appropriately, exactly what I feel like right now after trying to shove you into a pair of jeans that a few short months ago were declared "loose" by a kind neighbor who had noticed some junk in the trunk shrinkage on your part.
But you overheard her, didn't you. And there ain't no quicker way to get you to start packing on the poundage than to allow an actual, ginuine compliment to cross your path.
Compliments = kryptonite.
[Sidenote: There was a Dateline a few years back where they enlisted people to be part of this social experiment. The deal was, either they needed to lose 15 pounds in two months, or they were going to appear on national TV in their bikini. That is EXACTLY the sort of motherfuckin motivation I need right now. Do it again, Dateline! Come AWN. If there are any Dateline producers out there, call me on my celly].
If the world were a fair and just place, I would look like Audrina in the pic above.
Alas, Sarah Palin is running for Vice President of the United States, Tom Cruise isn't starring in Top Gun 2 and these two douchetards are millionaires.
Alas, life sucks.
And then you die.