Friday, October 24, 2008

Sarah Palin Spent $150,000 On Her New Wardrobe And All I Gots Was This Stinkin T-Shirt!?

Dear Sarah Palin, *

I'm a girl, so obvs I love to get my shop on. But like, I've srsly got nothing on you.

You're a true inspiration.

I had no fucking clue that hockey moms were such fashionistas, but when your seven year old daughter is sportin a Louie Vu, I guess its safe to assume you know the difference between Spanx and Donna Karran body shapers. Color me red, white-n-blue with shock, awe and surprise.

$150,000 on clothes
in one month is truly impressive!

Here's the thing, though: I don't even really give a shit that you spent all that money. In fact, I think most of the peeps that sent the RNC donations were total dickwads anyway, so it doesn't bother me one little panty lick to think of all their hard earned money getting pissed away at Saks and Neiman Marcus on a shiny, new wardrobe pour vous.

I think its pretty awesome.

What DOES bother me, however, (and bothers me a whole fuckin lot) is that you spent $150,000 benjis...on, presumably, designer clothes, and you still ended up looking like this:

Suze Orman has better jackets than that shit.

Obvies, whomever was heading up your Extreme Makeover efforts fucked this whole thing up big time, and it had nothing to do with the fact that $150k was spent.

I've decided to, yet again, solve the world's problems and take matters into my own hands.

Following, I present you with one week's worth of wardrobe suggestions. Basically, this is what you SHOULD have done with all of your money in order to look like the ultimate fighting champ, VP wannabe (all clothes are from Neiman Marcus and/or Saks):


Tahari Houndstooth skirtsuit ($598)
This look is totally chic, yet also commanding. Like, yeah, I'm a woman! So what! Fuck you! Just because I get my period, it doesn't mean I'm gonna show up on the Senate floor acting all wishy washy, boo hoo, sweetie, baby, cookie, honey. That's right: I rock the decolletage just like I rock those Al Qaeda fuckers!

Dior Belted Virgin Wool Jacket ($1999)

This one is all about the glam factor. As much as I hate your ass, I think this Dior number would be particularly gorge on you. You'd look so hot in this, desperate Republicans would start bringing up Jackie O comparisons, and then Keith Olbermann could put you on his Worst Person List for daring to smear the name of a Kennedy by trying to channel her style, and Rachel Maddow would sneer and look all disappointed that someone like you was ever born, but you wouldn't care b/c you'd still be killin it in this.

Theory Tailor Suit ($535)
Here's your DO NOT FUCK WITH ME UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES look. Throw this puppy on, look into the mirror and repeat after me "I am fierce. I am fabulous. I will NOT be fucking stuck in Alaska for the rest of my life." You could wear this suit, walk right up to Christopher Buckley and be all "you wanna bet on Black, motherfucker! Bet on this!" (Oh Snap!)

Magaschoni Suit ($872)
We flying the first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
By the Glamorous, oh the flossy flossy


Anne Klein Puckered Shirtdress (on sale!: $296)
Of course you can bring home the bacon! Of course you can fry it up in a pan! Obvies you can even shoot a motherhumpin moose with a semi-automatic weapon from a helicopter, fuck your husband on a snow mobile, read a book to your special needs baby, AND still have time to take your teenaged daughter Bristol for her pre-natal care appointments. You are today's modern day woman!

TOTAL = $4300

Let's bump that shit up to $5k for good measure, multiply by it four, and that's still only $20k for one month's worth of duds.

Dignity = T-O-T-A-L-L-Y in tact (priceless).

I could have saved the motherfucking Republicans $130,000, yo!

You could have used all that extra money to buy a lot of these:

And then killed a lot of these:

Oh well.

Mo money, mo problems,


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