Britney Spears to Open VMA's; HELLS YEAH, Bias!!

Dear Brit Brit, ***

You sneaky little minx.

I knew you couldn't possibly be avoiding Cheetos and ciggies just becuz--your ass was gettin ready for MTV's Video Music Awards!!

Here's where shit gets tricky: apparently you will NOT be performing, BUT this is still a performance that's "not to be missed."

Uhm.

Wow.

I'm still sort of reeling from the last time you fucked this up, so I think you need to get VERY fucking serious about not letting that happen again.

With that in mind, I've made a quick little checklist that you can use on September 7th to ensure that all your i's are dotted and all your t's are crossed before you hit the big stage. You do NOT want Rihanna's ass laughing at you again, so pay attention.

Brit Brit's Don't fuck up again at the VMA's checklist:

*Brush. Your. Weave - Ok, so you looked totally adorable in all of your little promos with VMA host Russell Brand. So I think you are pretty much already on board with this one, but just as a reminder: you NEED to look really, really good. Don't even worry about looking hot so much...I mean, hot would be fine, but that's when we can get into some troublesome areas like trashy outfits and bizarre shit like wearing a snake as a necklace. All that shit used to be fine for you back when nobody cared about Brangelina and your records were selling like hotcakes, but its a new day, honey. So, please...for the love of Gawd, make sure you are using a reputable hair person. AND makeup person. AND stylist for that matter. You can't have your hair and makeup lookin' all fine and then come out in some outfit that you and Jamie Lynn picked out at Wal-Mart.

*Be Funny - Honestly, this is the key to winning us all back. Now, I'm not gonna lie: this will be no easy task considering the crapfest that the VMA's have become over the past few years. But, you must! March your ass into the writers room, sit yourself down and just listen. After 15 mins or so, you should be able to identify the funniest motherfucker there. When you do, walk over to that sonofabitch, sit your ass down on his/her lap, and do not move until they've written you the kick ass monologue of the century (maybe you should bust out with some of your English accent stuff?? With Russell? Just sayin...).

*Step Up 2 the Plate - Ok, so shit's gotten a little crazytown over the past year...no biggie. The best way to handle that sitch is to acknowledge it and then move on. If you're srsly funny, this might not even come into play, but don't be afraid to really step up....like "Fuck you, motherfuckers! It's Britney, Bitch" style, but like way funnier.

*No Drugs/Booze - Just stay the fuck out of Amy Winehouse's dressing room.

*Surprise Us - Ok, so you are allegedly not performing. Whatevs. As disappointed as I was to hear that, its probably a good move on your part. You don't want to throw something together hastily, and if you're not feelin it then you're not feelin it. BUT, it would still totally rock if you did something shocking....or unexpected...or even a teeny tiny bit crazy. I mean, obvs "good crazy" is way different than crazy crazy, so this needs to be well thought out, of course, but it could be over the top fab.

Ok, so like that's it.

You're obvs a bazillionaire performer celeb, so you don't need anymore advice from my know-it-all ass.

Just remember that we are all really, truly, madly, deeply waiting for you to come back in a big ass fucking way. I mean, I'm literally chomping at the bit for it.

I will buy your albums. And watch your music videos. And would even consider watching you on another reality TV show, though hopefully you have people advising you NOT to do that sort of shit...but I'm just sayin'--I'd totally watch it.

You sooo can do this, Britney.

For reals.

C U on Sunday,
me

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