Friday, October 10, 2008

Clint Eastwood: A Republican Douchetard Or A Bleeding Heart Liberal? U Decide, Motherfuckers

Dear Clint, *

One of our fine DFA readers recently brought to my attention your recent sycophantic ass lick fest regarding She Who Shall Not Be Terrorized By The Right Wing Media, or SWSNBTBTRWM, Sarah Palin.

Despite the fact that this DFA reader dude appears to be Canadian, I like that he's upfront about measuring his own dick, so I feel obliged. Also, I've never really gotten a request before and I kinda dig it. While I'm not exactly Samantha Ronson, rockin the beats for your lisnin pleshure, we DO take motherfuckin requests around here, so I'm gonna lay it all out for the FoOL and pour vous, Clint.

Right here. Right now. Gangsta style.

First of all: I hate your name. Clint sounds like Clit and that's nasty. I mean, who the Christ names their own child after vadge parts.

Second of all: you claim that you used to be Republican and now you're a Dem. And, frankly, I don't buy it. Here's what I think happened: you're a crazy, red, gun totin' Republican; Hollywood (i.e. LIBERAL MEDIA JEW SCUM) starts to find out about this sitch and all the sudden, no one wants to make a movies with Clit Clint; in an effort to protect your rep and have more than Wilford Brimley to choose from for your leading men, you Dem it up.

So, third of all: let's get to what you were blabbing about recently.

This is Angelina Jolie:

This is Sarah Palin:

Apparently you said the following recently: "When you find somebody people want to put down…it usually means there is something there they are afraid of," i.e. jus like with poor Saint Angelina.

Asked if he felt Sarah Palin was like Angelina Jolie, Easwood replied, "They are totally different types. But I am saying there is a star quality that scares a lot of people off."

A. You are 1000% right about people being scared off their nards about Sarah Palin
B. You are smoking a big fat spliff if you think peeps are afraid of her because of her Star-like qualities. Do you mean star-like qualities like these:

Hold the phone, motherfuckers! A star is born!

Fourth of all: you said this regarding the Veep debate last week: "One of the candidates the other night seemed more prone to telling the truth than the other." Everyone assumed you were talking about Joe Biden, but n'uh uh. You were giving a shout out to SWSNBTBTRWM, Sarah Palin.

Here's why I got beef with this one: as much as I'd like to hack off Sarah Palin's hair and make a mop that I would use to clean the floor of an abortion clinic with, I get the "aww shucks," folksy thing. I get that she's "approachable" and hockey mom next door ish and, though it blows my fucking mind, I am kinda smart and watch CNN a lot, and I understand that there are huge swaths of our population that totally dig that. But you didn't mention any of that said she told the TRUTH.

Even little ole me...who's got Dem juice seeping out of my goddammed eyeballs at all hours of the day and night, understands that both candidates stretched the facts at various points in the evening. I just figure that even if they're both lying their asses off, I like the dems lies way better.

But the "truth" thing is most puzzling to me because Sarah Palin didn't answer a single friggin question all night long! She was in her own little "play" called Rescue My Rep or Else. She barely mentioned any facts, and I'm not even sure she knows what a figure is (oh wait! yah she does). In fact, the most truthful moment she had was when she flat out told Gwen Ifill that she was NOT gonna be answering her silly old questions, gosh darnit, becuz she's a maverick who likes to do shit her own way and that way includes not answering ANY OF THE GODDAMMED QUESTIONS!

So, yeah.

If we were looking at whether or not Sarah Palin was successful acting in her imaginary play and pulling her rep out of the shitter, I would give her some props. But telling the "truth"!? Nobody tells the truth at a motherfuckin debate.

Fifth of all: you're ob'd with making movies about people with guns. And everyone knows that *most* people who dig guns, are Republicans.

Further evidence that you are a fake Democrat Red

Here's the thing, Clit Clint, I never really liked you that much to begin with, though I get that you are a Hollywood legend and have contributed some pretty awesome shit to the wide world of entertainment. For serious you are entitled to your own opinions, and though I disagree with you to the miggity max, I kinda dig our constitution so I think you should feel free to say whatever the fuck you want. I guess what bugs me the most is that you're pretending to be something that you're not. Cuz, I'm sorry, there aint a Dem alive on the planet who would agree that SWSNBTBTRWM did a better job "telling the truth" at the Veep debate.

Take a page from Clay Aiken's play book, dude, and come on out of the closet. Republicans are people too (I guess).

"do I feel lucky?,"

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the FoOl said...

I think fucking chicks 1/3 his age has warped his ability to accurately perceive the world. You want to know who's 'prone to telling the truth'? Me! And I say Eastwood is a cunt.
(though Unforgiven was a good movie).

DFA = so fucking accurate.

ron said...

Hey now, what about classics like Dirty Harry and The Good, The Bad and The Ugly? Isn't a man entitled to a little artistic license here?

PS this line made me soil myself with laughter:

"As much as I'd like to hack off Sarah Palin's hair and make a mop that I would use to clean the floor of an abortion clinic with..."

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

@ron I gave the dude some props at the end of the post and *sure,* I'll give him a little bit of latitude. But really what I'm saying is: just be a REPUBLICAN already. Stop being a poseur. Then he can say whatever the fuck he wants...

SGM said...

The name of this blog is THE BEST THING EVER.

Anyone who says motherfuckers in the title of a post is my kinda person.

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

@SGM U Made My Day Dot Com

@everyone else on the planet: after all you bitches read DFA, you should head straight over to SGM's blog: Scented Glossy Magazines.

It's HI-lair and vherry, very fuckin' good.

Blognigger said...

Unfortunate choice of pictures for proving your point, ms. DFA:

The one of Sarah Palin makes me want to jack my cock off while sniffing her daughter's field-hockey panties, while the one of Brad Pitt's wife reminds me that I have yet to unpack book 2 of my speiglman-signed first edition of MAUS; it's still in my suitcase from my recent trip to POLAND and DACHAU.

But thanks for reminding me to do that.

killer post!

Anonymous said...

That's some funny shit. I cracked up at that Sarah Palin flute solo. You're like the funniest chick blogging I've encountered (especially since this chiclet stopped:
Nicely done. Had to bookmark your blog.

Dear Famous A$$hole said...

@anon you're officially my fourth favorite commenter. Keep it up and you're on your way to number 1 with a bullet

Anonymous said...

Dear Cunt,

yes you, you fucking asshole who runs this piece of shit website.

Go suck your mamma's hole.