Two Millies...Are You Out of Your Fucking Mind, Ashley Alexandra Dupre??

Dear Ashley Alexandra, *?

OK, so lemme get this straight: after you ho bagged the crap out of the former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer's marriage, showed up as an underage hussie in a Girls Gone Wild video, and posted a myspace song that can easily rival the shiteousnes of Ali Lohan's new track, (i'm talking to you "What We Want"), you turned down the first legit offer you rec'd post hooker-gate 2008; a Tila Tequila type reality dating show that would allow you to truly jam out with your clam out.

Ok.

Obvs that was way beneath you.

But now this shit is just gettin' plain ole stupid. i.e. we gotta read about how your ass is "considering" a $2 million offer from a big time Hollywood producer to do anuther reality show, a book, a DVD, and any/every other piece of scandal-tainment they can think of to milk the christ out of Spitzer-palooza until its good to the last drop?

Like you're not "accepting," "dancing on top of," or "praising holy jesus for" this 2 million dollar offer...you're just kinda thinking about it.

I'm quite certain that I speak for everyone on the motherfuckin planet, Ashley, when I say: WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU CONSIDERING?? FOR REALS.

Your fifteen minutes of fame is disappearing faster than Amy Winehouse's life line...espesh with all this John Edwards shit breaking wide open all across the internets.

So, put on your listening hat Ash and get out your notebook and a pen: Take. The. Freakin. Money.

I mean, do we seriously even need to be having this discussion???

Oh yeah..I guess we do since you seem to be pretty hell bent on keeping "professional hooking" under your "likes" section of your facebook page.

Step away from the peen, and scoop up the green, Ash.

Mad truth.

Tick tock,
me

Trailer Parks, Metrosexuals & Pretty Boys: Mr. Ex Star Jones Is 'Separating The Gossip From The Facts'

Dear Mr. Ex-Star Jones, *

Holy. Freakin. Brilliantness.

I have just partaken in a thorough viewing of all three juicy, nugget-filled videos on the newly launched AlReynoldsChannel, and I have the following immediate reactions to share with you:

*I LOVE the AlReynoldsChannel...perhaps more than I have loved any other self-created, fake TV channel that I have ever come into contact with (as such, I have subscribed to all future AlReynoldsChannel posts).

*I am prepared to forego other, regularly scheduled network and/or cable broadcast programming in order to fully commit to immersing myself in future AlReynolds programming.

*I am now under the impression that everyone--particularly other "misunderstood" D list celebs--should immediately get thee to a broadcast studio, hire a fake interviewer, and create their own set of fake interview videos for their own fake youtube channel. WE WILL WATCH IT...I promise you.

*And Your Heart Goes 'Whoo,'™ should obvs be the name of your next Book/DVD/TV show/Puclicity Tour, et al.

*Your continued use of "I didn't share this with you," in the fake videos, is an extremely effective tool in creating the illusion that: you're about to say something interesting (you're not); "we" have an intimacy that would allow for sharing secrets (we do!); and that we care what is about to come out of your mouth next (we don't...and yet we do). Complicated shit, right??

(and most importantly)
*YOU ARE NOT GAY NOW, NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN G-A-Y! - Gotta be straight with you Al, this was your one major misstep. I guess you're not up on the news lately, what with all of the preparation you have likely been pouring into your fake interviews for your fake TV channel-n-all, but its actually way cooler now to be gay than straight. "If anyone knew the damage it has caused me, they would understand why I'm very agressive about this." Uhm...what sort of damage, Al? Goin' gay is pretty much your one and only trump card in this whole crazy, effed up Star Jones mindfuck of a shituation you've gotten yourself into. Unless you want to be known as SJ's lameass douche of an ex-husband 4-eva, I would highly recommend that you come out of the closet immediately, date Lance Bass and let us all get on with our own ridiculousness.

Anyway Al, Bravo!

It was rad to start off my morn with all that mad truth that you dropped right on my fucking face. Please, please, for the love of God please, add more videos to the AlReynoldsChannel soon, k? In the meantime, I'l call Time Warner to cancel our cable.

Al B Sure,
me

BREAKING: Brangelina Baby Bumpitty Bump Bump Photos On Dear Famous Asshole?! For Realz???

Dear Brange, **

As the world continues to ignore real life honest to gawd news items, such as the fact that we finally have a freakin Democratic presidential candidate (oh yeah, and he's Black); or that there was some major ass flooding this weekend all across the U.S. of A. that, like, killed some people; or that Steve Jobs is announcing Apple's new iphone today, ensuring all of the bitch ass chumps who have the first one feel lame, stupid, jealous and served, its time to pwn up to the fact that you two are pretty much the chief cause of all of this woo hoo.

The world has been on twinsies watch for several weeks now, and until you "deliver the goods," so to speak, we (as in the collective 'we') have no real hope of moving past this on to bigger, better and, likely, even more soul sucking sorts of things.

Word on the street is that you effers are likely going to get offers of up to $22 millies for the exclusive photos of your new little hot mamas, and I def do get that that is a lot of scratch. BUT, I also know that you two don't need a god damned penny of it and are probably busy right now stuffing your new double double's mattresses with the leftover cash from your $60 million ATM run to lease that tres 'Jolie' French castle.

So here's the dealio: I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but I think that I've come up with the single most brilliant strategy for dealing with this whole baby mama drama frenzy that would virtually ensure, once and for all, that you could stick it to the paps and the media like you've never stuck it to them before. Trust me when I say that this would go down in history as the biggest, baddest check mate move in celebrity canon (E!'s Most Shocking Celebrity Moments, pull out your little notepads right fucking now). Though your place in history is, granted, already pretty firmly entrenched, this would create an unsinkable, rock solid foundation that even those asshats over at Gray's Anatomy couldn't chip through.

Give exclusive rights to your new, sexy, double trouble baby photos to a completely unknown, poorly trafficked, non-entity blog like Dear Famous Asshole!

Hollah!!?? Is this brilliant, or is this brilliant?! Do you love it!?

I mean, come on. You know for a stone cold Steve Austin fact that this would s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y piss off every mother effer who ever screwed you guys over with a nasty photo, a full-o-lies story or a stalkerazzi moment from the time the two of you first swapped spit. It would be a benchmark moment in the history of media. You would be heroes to everyone: other bitter, thankless celebs who complain how hard it is to make bazillions and smile for the camera, the public at large, who will be spared both the expense and the embarrassment of buying an OK Magazine, and of course, all of the other unknown bloggers with their own poorly trafficked sites, and all of the insignificant fucks who ocassionally, but not often, follow them. You'd be virtually guaranteed another 2 to 3 lines in your Brangelina/Power Couple Wikipedia entry for this stunt, and best of all, you'd be doing a good deed for me too!

I get that we're not talking rebuilding homes for katrina victims or adopting children from third world countries sort of good deeds, but what about helping me to be the architect of MY own future, BRAD?? What about that?? Good deeds, like hookers, come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. and I'm just askin' for a little reverse affirmative action, just this one little ole time.

I understand that you'll probably need a day or so in order to submit this idea to the Brangelina thinktank advisory board, so please have at it. Then give me call if and only if you feel like making the history books with me.

Two babies are always better than one!

Honest to blog,
me

Stop Effing Me With Your Eyes, Steve Jobs

Dear Steve, ***

Please don't make me feel like too much of a shmuck today over the fact that I have a first generation iphone (unless, of course, the next super snazzy 3G iphone is going on sale for $29.99...then I don't give a shit. But, come on...I know and you know that there aint no chance of that, so really, dial it down a smidge, ok?).

See you at 1pm, gangsta.

(You're still my boyfriend).

2 getha 4 eva.
xo,
me

That Ain't Right, Candy Spelling, And You KNOW it

Dear God, **

WTF is up with this barrel full of smashed assholes sitch-u-ayshun? This Candy Spelling bitch wins $180,000 at a slot machine when she's already worth 600 millie? Way to fall asleep at the wheel, dude.

Pray for,
me