Dear Olympics Executive Committee, ***
I assume you, no doubt, have your hands full at the moment with the Summer Games of '08 in full swing-n-all, but I think I express the collective voice of the American people here, and so I thought it would be appropriate to write.
I'm not sure what the proper protocol is for adding a new event to the already bulging Olympic summer roster, but even with all the table tennis, curling, synchronized individual swimming, archery, AND handball competitions, there is still an event whose absence is glaringly apparent to me and all other citizens of our world: S-E-X.
Yes, Sex.
I'm guessing that it takes time for a new competition category to find its way (its g-spot, if you will) into the collective minds of sports fans across the world, but like also, I'm pretty certain that most people would really, really, dig this right off the bat.
I don't want to step on anyone's toes over there, but obvs the first two competitions within this cateogry should be: who can last the longest, and who can stay hard the longest.
Duh, right?
Our potential American athlete's identities for this new category of competition is strictly confidential, but suffice it to say, we have one athlete currently in training who's greatness and legend potential is destined to rival that of Michael Phelps with his astonishing stamina, prowess, size, and a secret weapon we like to call his "special sauce."
Kind sirs, we are so confident that this category of competition has Olympic potential, our athletes have already begun a grueling and rigorous training schedule in preparation of your imminent acceptance.
Needless to say, we're like really anxious to get this party started.
Please get back to me as soon as possible so that we may make all the needed changes to NBC's broadcast schedule, our travel arrangements, etc.
We're in it to win it.
For realz,
m.e.
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